Did I Marry the Wrong Person?

If I asked you, “What are the top two issues that evangelical couples or families say they struggle with, what are the big family issues?” Well, you could do a lot of research, but why do that when there’s AI? So, I asked, “Among evangelical couples, what does the research actually say are the biggest issues in their life?”

Number one came up: marriage struggles. Evangelicals report challenges in maintaining strong, Christ-centered marriages amidst stressors like finances, communication issues, and cultural pressures. I think we all probably can identify with that. Many seek tools to resolve conflict and they long to rekindle emotional and spiritual intimacy.

The second thing AI told us was parenting in a secular culture. Raising children with Christian values in an increasingly secular culture is a common challenge. Parents express a need for resources to address topics like technology use, peer pressure, and faith formation at home.

So, now that we have on the table that our marriages and our kids are a really big challenge for all of us, despite we know Jesus, despite we have God’s Word, that we actually live in a world that is bombarding us. And, by the way, again, it’s not new. Let’s not just blame the media or blame technology or Hollywood or academia. In the Garden, the lies started. about God, about our relationship with one another in marriage, about siblings, about technology in our work. And they have grown more sophisticated over the centuries.

And so, as promised, what I want to do is start with the lies and then get you to begin thinking about how to stop, identify that lie, then renew your mind with the truth. And I will also tell you that as I go through these cards, we are making these available because I teach God’s Word for a living and as a calling for sure. And what I know is if I go to church and I prepare whatever it is, twenty or thirty, forty hours depending on it and the series, and I give a forty-five minute talk and this is my best stuff and I’m prayed up.

Twenty-four hours later, ninety percent of the people have already forgotten about seventy percent of what I said. Forty-eight hours later there’s only about ten percent that can remember what we were talking about. And out of all the people that listen, there’s less than ten percent that go, “Oh! I’m going to put that into practice.”

And so, what I have learned is that the teaching of Jesus and why He said things in such a way was He wanted people to look at: This is how life appears to be. Then He would give a parable or a teaching and a story they could remember and then there was sort of a obvious application.

In fact, I would recommend um a book that will really help you. It’s called Every Thought Captive, by a friend of mine named Kyle Idleman. And he takes all these verses that talk about renewing your mind and then he pairs it with the latest neuroscience research about how our brains work.

And so, what I want to tell you is we are going to go through a process to cooperate with your brains so life change happens rather than you just hearing information. So, I’m going to give you a lie, then I’ll give you a truth, then I’ll give you a passage, and then the way I have shared this over and over is on a set of cards I don’t want you to have digitally. Are you ready? I don’t want it on your phone, because the moment it’s on your phone you start looking at your phone and pretty soon this pops up and that pops up and you’re distracted.

There’s something about learning when you read something, say it out loud your brain hears it differently; and when you can tactile, actually touch something. my recommendation, and I have done this for years, to break strongholds in my life and marriage, because when you come from an alcoholic family, you believe a whole set of lies that are deeply embedded in your psyche.

And so, I would have to repeat those lies out loud, say, “Stop,” and then I found God’s truth and said, “Okay, this is what is true.” So, you ready to roll?

Lie number one this is about marriage. “When I finally meet the right person, everything will work out fine.” My soulmate is out there, I just need to find the right person, so I need to dress the part, look the part, I need to have big muscles, I need to be bright, I need to drive a certain kind of car, so people know I’m in and I’m cool. Every commercial is based on: If you look like this – are you ready? If you had whiter teeth, that’s how you’re going to get in.

And so, we spend our time trying to appeal, like we try to create ourselves as honey to attract the right bees. When I just find the right person then everything is going to be alright.

The fault with that lie is that you are putting your hope in a person. It’s okay to have aspirations, it’s okay to have desires, but when you put your hope in a person, here’s what we know about all people. They are like you and they are like me. And that means that as much as I try, as much as you try, we let people down. In a weak moment, you lie. At times, when it comes to, “Are you going to care about another person?” Even your mate or yourself, we all have to confess we choose ourselves.

And so, if it’s all about finding the right person and you put your hope in a person, when that person starts not coming through, really negative things start happening. And then the question begs itself, how do you know when it’s the right person? Well, if you watch a movie, if you listen to any songs, read an occasional romance novel, if you happen to be breathing and living in America, how do we know when the right person comes across our path?

It’s when we see them and something happens inside and there’s this little fire and there’s this connection We don’t even have to know them, right? In other words, it’s our feelings, it’s our emotions. And emotions are a beautiful, wonderful, tremendous gift from God, but they are not the best way to really identify what is true, what is right, whether the person is good for you, bad for you.

I’ll never forget, and some of you, you can laugh at me, it’s okay. But I played basketball in college and I loved playing basketball. And I got recruited to play on a Christian team that traveled throughout South America. And so, we played in every country, had a big stadium, we’d share Christ at halftime and partnered with missionaries. But we got to know a lot of different people. I had very limited Spanish, but I had memorized my testimony and a number of verses. And so, we go to Ecuador and there’s this missionary girl. And we had an extra day and I went on a picnic with the missionary girl. And I mean, it was like, out of a Hallmark movie. there was water beautiful grass. beautiful mountains And I came back to the team and I said, “I’m in love. She’s the one! She’s the one.”

And then we went to Chile. in Chile we had a missionary and this missionary had a daughter. And she was very, very beautiful and we had the same kind of connection. And after a couple days I said, “Oh, I thought I was in love. Now, I’m really in love. in love with the girl from Chile and now in love with the missionary who came from Paraguay.” The guys started getting on me. But it was the weirdest experience. I think in about seven or eight countries I met five or six girls. at the end of twenty-four to forty-eight hours I was absolutely convinced that they were the one. Which told me my emotions are very, very fickle or I’m a very emptyheaded young man, all of which may be true.

But it just helped me see that our emotions and our romantic notions can be so powerful they can lie to you. When I finally meet the right person, everything will work out fine. Here’s the truth: Marrying the right person is crucial, but even with the greatest mate, a successful marriage requires following God’s design, putting in the hard work, persevering through difficulties, and relying on the Holy Spirit.

Marrying the right person is crucial. The right person begins with someone that is a follower of Jesus that you’re equally yoked with. Just last week I spent some time with lady who was doing some rehab and physical therapy and I’ve gotten to know her over the years and she mentioned to me, she said, it’s been, twenty-five, twenty-six years and my husband is a great guy.

And after all these years and our kids are growing and one more to go out of the house, I realized I didn’t know when I was young what my parents and everyone said, ‘Don’t be unequally yoked.’ I understand that now. And he has never come to Christ He’s a good guy, I’m committed to him, I love him, but there’s whole aspects of my life that I can’t share.”

And so, I want to tell you, you need to marry the right person, a fellow believer. In fact, not just a believer but a fellow believer with the same vision that is committed to Christ. And then you need to follow God’s design. He has a plan for you as a man and you as a woman. You need to do the hard work. You don’t just learn to communicate. You have to spend some time, read some books, you have to work at it.

And finally, you have to persevere. Difficulties are normal, they are coming, it’s hard, it’s challenging.  Over the years I've counseled hundreds of couples, and what I can tell you is those who hit some hard times and think, Oh, it’s all over, make huge mistakes. And those who hit really hard times and realize, this is so hard, but I made a commitment. And they come through it. And so, you persevere.

And as you rely on the Holy Spirit, as you realize, God, I can’t do this, I can’t love him right now, I can’t love her right now, I need Your help, He will answer. And then notice the passage that I’ve given you here is Hebrews 10:36, “For you have need of endurance so that when you have done the will of God you may receive that which was promised.”

Are you ready? One of the greatest things you can ever have in your marriage mindset is not, “When I finally find the right person,” but perseverance, endurance, saying, “We are going to make this work. There’s no plan B.”

Now, don’t get me wrong. There are times where there’s abuse or there’s multiple infidelities, there are issues where you need to pause and get some good help and counseling and: Is this the right relationship because of devastating, difficult things that your partner may do?

But for most all of us, persevering through the challenges Difficulties are normal. Some of you are saying, “Well, Chip, why are you telling me this? I’ve been married for ten years, eleven years.” When a hard time comes and it’s difficult, I cannot tell you how many people have sat across from me and leaned forward and said, “You know, we have been married three years and I just realized they’re just not the right person now. We have grown apart. Things have really changed.” And so, the belief system that someone out there is going to make it better is a lie.

In fact, there’s a research group. It’s University of Virginia and Rutgers University; they have a thing called The National Marriage Project. They have the top ten myths of divorce and the top ten myths of marriage. And one of these myths: is because people learn from their bad experiences, second marriages tend to be more successful than first ones. Here’s the truth: Although many people who divorce have successful subsequent marriages, the divorce rate of remarriage is in fact higher than first marriages. The person we bring to the second marriage is the same person that wasn’t working in the first marriage. We always have to start with who we are, what does God want us to do? Don’t believe the lie that if just that right person comes into your life, everything is going to be okay.

Lie number two, here’s the misbelief: When I experience disappointment, annoyance, and anger toward my spouse, that means I’m falling out of love and I may have married the wrong person. That sounds a little crazy, right? You’re just annoyed, angry, and then all of a sudden you realize, “Maybe this isn’t the right person.” For some of you, that sounds crazy. For some of you, that’s real right now.

I will never forget and, again, I use myself as a personal illustration just because some of you think I probably have never had these problems. I had been married six days. Theresa and I kind of went away on our honeymoon. Many of you know a little bit of our background. She had been abandoned and I met her two and a half years later; she had these two little kids and she had become a Christian. And two years later we fall in love, I get to adopt those children.

And so, we were married six days and we come back home and it’s all new. I’m an immediate dad, I’m learning how to try to be a good husband. We dated for a full year and were friends a full year before that. We, by God’s grace, were pure in our relationship, we did relationships the way we believed the Scripture teaches. And so, I thought, “This is going to be great.” And I can’t even remember what all the issues were, but it was something about a picture over the mantle. And all I can tell you is I got mad. I mean, I got really mad.

And then I heard a tone of voice come out of her mouth toward me that was different than I ever, ever heard. And then I heard a tone of voice come out of me that I don’t think she had ever heard. We’re having, like, our very first argument about some stupid picture. But I remember the feeling of, don’t know words I have for It was like a dart like, Oh! Who is that person? I mean, I was so idealistic God, we did things Your way and she loves You and I love You and we want to spend our lives serving You. And, I mean, I’ve been married six days and, literally, I got so angry and I was so hurt and not knowing what to do, I just walked out the door and I’m sure I slammed it and she could probably tell you a more vivid story. And I got in my little Volkswagen Bug and I went some back roads and I’m driving the mountains.

And, literally, this is my conversation, I still remember, God, how could I have done this? I have married the wrong person. I have married the wrong person. I thought Theresa was the right one. I've married the wrong person. And so, I drove around for about an hour and a half thinking these thoughts and then realizing, you know, sort of coming back down to earth realizing I had a lot of emotion a lot of hurt, and I needed to go back and apologize for how I behaved. But I realized that lie that when there’s anger, annoyance, or you are challenged in the relationship, you can bolt to, “I married the wrong person.”

I remember young man came to me and as sincere as he could be didn’t know a whole lot about the Bible. And he said, “Chip, I need your help to discover God’s will.” And I said, “Well, I’ll be whatever help I can.” I said, “Well, what is it?” He goes, “Well, I have been married three years and I discovered recently that I married the wrong person so I need to figure out what does the Bible say? How do I get rid of the person I have because I think I have found the new right person?” I said, “Well, the Bible is pretty clear on this one.”

And, you know, we talked about all the kind of issues and he said, “But, no, I married the wrong person.” And I remember telling him, “When you said, ‘I do,’ even if you had some misgivings, that person became the right person and God will give you the grace to be the man that you need to be. You're having some struggles right now, but these struggles are normal. It doesn’t mean you married the wrong person.”

In fact, the truth of this card is: Conflict and negative emotions are not only normal, they're essential to learning to communicate and forgive each other in the process of becoming one. The Bible talks about iron sharpening iron. The way you get closer is not because everything is going great every moment of the day.

The way you get closer and the way you get sanctified, if you will, we become more and more like Jesus in our relationships, especially in our marriage relationship, is when we do make mistakes, when we are angry, when we do get hurt, when we begin to extend forgiveness and receive forgiveness work through the issue and get what's behind it –there's sparks. But as you work through conflict and you learn to own your side of it and you learn to forgive the other person, and you learn to treat the other person the way Jesus has treated you, that’s how intimacy is built, that’s how growth is built.

And the key verse here is, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as God in Christ has forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:32)

So, let me ask you: What annoys you most about your mate right now? In weak moments, what makes you think, I mean, it just flashes through your mind, or for some of you, maybe right now you’re in a crisis and you're thinking, I think I did marry the wrong person. The fact of the matter is you just have some conflict and some challenges and some difficulties.

In my particular case, had so much baggage, we realized that we needed outside help. She loved God, I loved God, it was very embarrassing back then we found a very good, biblical counselor. We unpacked our baggage, we learned how to communicate, we read a lot of books together, we set aside times to go on a date. We had to literally go into training to figure out: I knew I loved God, I knew she loved God, but we made each other crazy.

And can I say something to you? I’ve got forty-six years under my belt and the richness and the beauty and the connection and the joy – we’ve been through cancer together, we’ve been through the ups and downs of kids together, we've shared amazing rewards of seeing God work in us and through us in ministry together, we've struggled like crazy at times.

But I’ve got a really long rearview mirror. If we would have bailed out, if we would have said, “Oh, you must not be the right person because this is so hard.” I would have missed the best things life has to offer. a church that I had the privilege of pastoring, Living on the Edge. None of that would have happened if I came to the conclusion prematurely, Oh, I married the wrong person.

Can I challenge you? You’ve got to fight for your marriage, you’ve got to quit asking, “Is everything going my way? Is this easy?” Everything great, everything valuable, everything important, everything godly is you are swimming upstream in a world and a culture and even in the Church that tells you, “Oh, it’s really hard, you don’t fit, you’ve grown apart.” That is a lie from the pit of hell. Refuse to believe it; work through whatever you need to work through.

Don’t buy lie number one: if I just meet the right person or if the right person would come into my life, everything would be okay. The truth of the matter is that you have to persevere through difficulty.

The second lie is that when things are difficult and painful and you experience disappointment and annoyance and you feel like, “I’m falling out of love,” no, you persevere, and you let God work in you and then you let Him work through you.

I have had so many couples that I have had the privilege of counseling over the years that have had problems and challenges. I remember a couple they got a divorce and then there was genuine repentance. And I’ll never forget this guy coming back to know the Lord and so much so he realized that, he had really destroyed some relationship with his children. And he would sneak in the very back of the church so his wife and kids wouldn’t see him, and he would begin to walk with God again. And little by little, proved that he could be trustworthy. And I had the privilege a couple years later of remarrying them.

If Jesus can raise people from the dead, He can resurrect your marriage. Don’t buy the lies. Do it God’s way.