weekend Broadcast

How to Connect Deeply with Others, Part 2

From the series Love One Another

Do you long to be connected to other people? Do you find yourself getting close but then you don’t know how to break through? Do you feel like there’s an invisible wall between you and other people but you don’t know why? Chip reveals how to connect deeply with others and how to have them connect deeply with you.

This broadcast is currently not available online. It is available to purchase on our store.

Chip Ingram App

Helping you grow closer to God

Download the Chip Ingram App

Get The App

Today’s Offer

Love One Another Resources on sale now.

PURCHASE

Message Transcript

The clarity is we are members of one another and now, the first command, “Be devoted to one another.” So, let me ask you that second question. The first one was, remember? “Do you feel connected like that?”

Let me ask you the next one and please don’t raise your hand but give it some thought. Do you have a sense, when you look at this room or when you think about other believers, do you have a sense, that sense of moral responsibility, that sense of from the heart, are you devoted to other believers in brotherly love?

I mean, does it matter how they are doing? Do you feel the moral weight toward other believers like you would someone who is a physical brother or sister, relationally? Or to a mom or to a dad or to a niece or to a nephew?

See, what I want you to understand, the Bible talks about this supernatural community. He is saying that we each move toward one another in connection and I need to own the moral weight of saying, “If you’re not loved, I may not be able to supply it, but I need to be a part of the process of you getting connected and loved.”

And so then the question is: What is it that keeps you, what is it that keeps me, from experiencing this authentic devotion? This supernatural community? And so with that, follow along, get your pen out, if you will, I’m going to make you work a little bit.

Because what I want to do is just do some things that are very, very simple but let you know, first, what keeps us from experiencing this authentic devotion to one another? One, it doesn’t happen automatically. It’s not magic. God didn’t design the body where you just come to church a couple times and all of a sudden, ooh, ooh, ooh, something happens inside, “I’m just devoted to everyone in brotherly love.” It doesn’t happen that way!

In fact, it so is non-automatic that multiple times in the Scripture, we’re commanded, we are reminded to make this the focal point, lest we end up with just some sort of intellectual relationship with God and with others.

Notice what it says in I Thessalonians 4:9 and 10. “Now about brotherly love we have no need to write to you,” Paul says, “for you yourselves have been taught by God to love each other, and in fact, you do love all the brothers throughout Macedonia. Yet, we urge you, brothers, to do so more and more.” See, it’s not automatic. We all need urging.

The second passage, I Peter 1:22 and 23, “Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply from the heart, for you have been born again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God.”

Do you get the idea? You have the ability, I have the ability because I have a new birth, to love people. But there’s a command, “Therefore love one another,” how? Superficially? When it’s convenient? No. Authentically, from the heart.

The final passage, II Peter 1 verses 5 through 7, “For this very reason,” he talks about what we already have in Christ, “make every effort to add to your faith, goodness; and to your goodness, knowledge; and to your knowledge, self-control; and to your self-control, perseverance; and to your perseverance, godliness; and to your godliness, brotherly love; and to brotherly kindness, love.”

Notice the little word, “add to, add to, add to.” There are certain things God has already done for us, but we cooperate. You see, it’s not automatic. Learning to love one another takes real effort, it takes real focus, it takes a plan.

In fact, number two, what keeps us from experiencing authentic devotion to one another? Number two, it takes time, effort, and intentionality. I want to let you know up front, it takes time. The payoff is awesome. It takes effort. And it takes real intentionality.

Someone is not just going to necessarily… I hope it works this way and I have heard some good stories like this. But as you walk out of the church, I don’t know what the probability is of someone just stopping you and saying, “Hi, my name is Bob. I’d like to have a deep, authentic relationship. How about you?” You might be a little concerned if someone did it like that.

The fact of the matter is it’s probably not going to happen quite like that. It’s going to require some intentionality on your part.

Well, the third reason that we don’t experience this kind of authentic devotion to one another is that it is especially difficult for some of us to share at the feeling level. I think there are three reasons. There are just some of us that this whole emotional side of life period, let alone Christianity, it just makes us nervous.

The first reason is because we fear rejection. If you have been in relationship somewhere along the line and you have been rejected, what do we all know? You’re just like me. You don’t have to reject me much, I’ll avoid you. Won’t you? But to get loved you have to take risk. If you never take risk of rejection, what happens? You can be safe and isolated.

The second reason that for some of us it’s hard to relate at the feeling level, is we come from poor family backgrounds. When I say, “The family of God,” and for some people even when I say, “God is your Father,” you think, “Yuck. If He’s anything like my dad,” and it’s implanted in your mind and it’s hard and there are emotional barriers and blocks and it’s just hard for you to say, “Hmmm, you know, it’s hard.” I understand that.

Recognize that as the barrier, though, rather than unconsciously not know why and pull back from people.

The third reason it’s hard to relate emotionally is we have had negative church experiences. Some of the things I’m talking about, if you have been in a church situation somewhere, sometime in the past and they talked about loving each other and you got set up and you got burned, you’ve got a little light that is going off, a little antennae that’s up like this thinking, “Not going to happen to me here!” Right?

I used an illustration and talked about Growth groups. And I had a dear lady who has been around for a while. And she waited, I mean, she waited, she waited, she waited, it was one of those eleven AM services… and I think people lined up and I talked for over an hour. And she waited and there was just one other guy here.

And she just had to look me in the eye and she said, “Now, these are not going to be the kind of groups where they are overbearing, where people really abuse these kind of relationships and where people are leveraged and where people are pushed around and told what to do.” I said, “What? No, no, no.” “See, I was in some of those. I know we need to love each other,” and she just said, “I’m scared to death.” And I appreciated her honesty.

And I said, “All we want to do is create a climate where people can love one another. We’re not going to tell them where to work, or who to marry or, we’re not into that over-shepherding, and I have read the books and all the stuff. We just want to get people together where the Spirit of God can get them connected.” And she kind of went, “Ahhh, whooo, okay, I’ll try.” But she has been burned.

Summary: If you have a hard time at the feeling level, recognize these barriers but don’t let these barriers keep you from taking the risk to get loved. Okay? Don’t let them hold you back.

The fourth reason we don’t experience authentic devotion to one another is personal unresolved anger and bitterness. I don’t know if you realize it but people who have real anger and bitterness in their heart, they are not a lot of fun to be around!

They send messages like this, and you say, “Hey! Would you like to…” “I don’t know if I want to! I don’t like those kind of groups.” And you think, “Good, we didn’t want you anyway.” Or you get one of these people in the groups and you bring up a little sensitive subject and they say, “Who are you and what do you think about that?” And all you think, what you know is you’re not going back to that one.

You see, if you have unresolved anger, whether it’s toward an ex-mate, a family member, a boss, a situation, and you have unresolved personal issues of anger and bitterness, you are not a fun person to be around and we will probably figure out ways… that’s your defense mechanism to keep people away and we want you to know, it works.

So maybe what you need to do is find out why you’re angry, ask God to help you, and get some help.

The fifth reason that we don’t experience authentic relationship, this devotion to one another, is excessive preoccupation with ourselves.

I remember a good friend and I consider him a good friend, he told me just recently about a trip that he took with one of our groups and he said he spent a number of years here mad at everyone because they were all a bunch of cliques.

And he said he tried to break into groups, break into groups, and they were all in a bunch of cliques, he was really hacked off and so then he went on a trip with a team. He came back and he said, “I was a clique too. I just didn’t realize that I was a one person clique.”

He said, “My focus was always on me. Why don’t they invite me? Why don’t they do this? Why don’t they do this?” What honesty, incredible honesty. And he said, “On that trip I realized, ‘I’m not going to be a clique anymore, I’m going to ask what’s going on in their lives.’” And he came back and he said, “I experienced more love on that trip, building those houses in Mexico than anytime in my life and it began with I got my focus off me.”

Number six, failure to recognize our limitations and personal capacities in relationships. This is the other side. Some people don’t experience authentic family love because they are focused on themselves.

Some people don’t experience authentic family love in the body because they don’t know they have limitations and they don’t know their capacities. And so anybody who asks them to do anything, they always say, “Yes.” And they’ve got nineteen thousand superficial relationships, they are tired, the church wears them out, they’re doing this, they’re doing this, they’re doing this, they’re doing this, they have no deep relationships, and they don’t feel connected. They look connected, they are not connected. Their heart is shriveled up inside. No one really knows what’s going on.

You know why? They don’t know their limitations and they don’t know their capacities. Some of you can handle five deep relationships, some two, some maybe one or two, some fifteen. We’re all different. Figure out yours.

But I’ll tell you what, it’s better to have two or three great, deep relationships than twenty or thirty acquaintances. When you’re in a jam, when your heart hurts, twenty acquaintances don’t do you any good. Two friends do.

Seventh, the final reason why we don’t experience this authentic love for one another in God’s family is idealistic, unrealistic expectations.

If you think that you’re going to join a Growth group, you’re going to join a ministry, you’re going to open your life, you’re going to take a little initiative, and then, like, three or four or five weeks from now, you’re going to be involved in these relationships and just skipping, skipping through the agape love of Santa Cruz Bible Church, you know? Just, “Ooh!” I mean, people are going to call you every day, you’re going to get notes in the mail, oh man, you’re the most awesome person.

You’re going to be disappointed because the people in this church are a lot like you and a lot like me. You know what that means? They’re going to let you down. It means that in great relationships you do - what? Work through conflict. You have misunderstandings. People just, flat, drop the ball. They say they’re going to call back. They don’t. They promise you this. They don’t. Kind of like what I have done now and then.

You see, you know what happens? You take a risk, you combine a few of these, you have a little rejection over here, negative family background here, you have enough fears over here, and you step out over here, and you have these idealistic expectations, and you try it and then you see, “See, doesn’t work. Doesn’t work. I knew it. I knew it. I knew I shouldn’t have done it. I knew I shouldn’t have tried. No, no, no, no, no, no!”

You just need to get realistic. You need to move slowly, you need to trust God, and you need to let Him work, and you need to realize that, as I learned even as a seven year old, my best friend growing up was my best friend after he put a worm in my brand new felt cowboy hat and we went to blows, in the rain, rolling in the grass!

And I punched him in the face as hard as I could, it did seem to have a little impact. He sat on me and I could not get up. And we were best friends ever since.

Some of the greatest friendships you’ll ever have are working through a disagreement, a conflict. It’s part of the process.

Now, let me give you another seven ways that you can develop deep family, godly, devoted to one another relationships at Santa Cruz Bible Church, okay? I’m just going to run through them.

But this is where I want you to shift from, “I’m listening, I’m evaluating,” I want you to shift gears and I want you to put your little hat on that says, “You know, God, if You wanted to speak to me tonight, I’ve got ears to hear. If You would want me to get closer connected, I’m open to that. I’m a little fearful, but I’m open to it.”

So, as I walk through these seven things, specific ways to get involved, to get connected, so that you can start to give love and receive it, just keep your heart open. Ready?

First, honestly evaluate your level of connectedness at Santa Cruz Bible Church. Okay? You know, “Am I really connected or not?” And just be honest. Mildly? Moderately? Deeply connected? Choose one.

Second, identify the top two factors that are keeping you from building warmer, deeper family relationships. What are the top two factors? Go through those seven and circle the top two or put “factor one,” and write it down, “factor two,” write it down where I left you a space.

What are the top two things that are keeping you? Let’s identify them, let’s do it tonight. And just circle them or write them down if they’re not here.

Number three, prayerfully determine in which subgroup within Santa Cruz Bible Church you might feel most comfortable. See, the fact of the matter is is there is a low probability that you’re going to go from being in a worship service to best friends with someone. You know what I mean?

So let me, I did this on a napkin, so I have probably missed a few ministries. But I had my feet up in a coffee shop and I just wrote these on a napkin. Ask yourself as I read these quickly, which one of these might you feel most comfortable in?

Choir, tech team, drama, bands, children, youth, Celebrate Recovery, women’s ministry, men’s ministry, encouragement team, family ministry, or counseling, evangelism, the bulletin buddies – people who put things together on Friday, hospital visitation, a support group, a Growth group, young marrieds, Tuesday class, Awana – helping out there, Graceland, kitchen team, landscaping, radio ministry, prayer teams. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

See, in which one of those do you think you might feel the most comfortable? Because you will connect quickly, more quickly in a subgroup.

Fourth, prayerfully decide on a specific time, event, or activity that would allow you to take the next step toward devotion and connection at Santa Cruz Bible Church. See, get real specific.

A specific time, event, or activity and if possible, ask someone you know to go with you. So you say, “You know what? Man, a lot of women are going to the women’s ministry. I’ll go to that. Would you go with me?”

“You know, a number of men are going to that men’s retreat and I saw that there is a little bit of room. Hey, would you go with me?” Or, “You know something? Those kitchen people are having a lot of fun. I’m just going to show up and say, ‘I’ll do dishes.’” Or, “Those people that meet early in the morning. I see it, you know, the prayer groups, I wonder if an extra person showed up, if that would be okay.” Or, “You know what? Those kids, holding babies looks like fun. I can do that!” If you’ve got a baby in your arms, you feel pretty comfortable, you know? Wherever it would be! Choose the time, the event, make a pre-decision, and then go for it.

Five, join a Growth group or ministry team for a specified, limited time. Notice how I’m going to get you out of that. Six weeks, eight weeks, say, “I’m going to join a Growth group this fall for six weeks or eight weeks, whatever it is, or a ministry, for that time, and at the end of that time, no one will say, “Oh, why are you quitting?” You’re not quitting, you fulfilled your commitment, way to go. No guilt. If you like it, we’ll let you sign up again. You’re in.

Six, be friendly even if it doesn’t come naturally. What can I say? There’s an amazing thing, try putting a smile on your face, reaching out to someone and saying hi! Amazing things have happened.

I have stories, two ladies came up after either the nine or the eleven, both were really going through a hard time, they were both not connected, they heard the message and they said, “Oh, we really want to be connected.”

While they were waiting to talk to me, this is great, while they were waiting to talk to me, all this other line of people, by the time I got to them, one said, “I’m not connected,” the other said, “I’m not connected,” and then they looked at each other and said, “Gosh, we’ve been talking here for ten minutes,” and they gave each other a hug, “We could connect with each other!” I said, “You got it, babe!” Woo! You know? Isn’t that amazing? Who knows?

Finally, seven, ask God to let you find someone who feels less connected than you this week and love them. There’s got to be someone in this room, someone in this church that feels a little less connected than you that you could love. And when you do, something magic happens. The Spirit of God shows up.

What did Jesus say? Love one another. How? “Even as I have loved you.”

Two questions to go home on. Question number one, do you want that kind of love? Join the family. If you’re here tonight and you’re not a believer in Jesus Christ, you can be loved, you can be a part of God’s family, and we will be privileged and honored to love you right where you’re at with whatever is going on in your life.

And at the end of the service there will be people up front, I’ll be up front, there will be people at the back tables. You just come down and say, “I want to get in on the family. I need love, I’m lonely!” We’ll say, “Great.” And we’ll explain very clearly how.

Secondly, do you want to experience more of God’s love if you’re already part of the family? Then be devoted to one another in a specific, tangible way, beginning this week. And God will show up.