Helping you grow closer to God
Download the Chip Ingram App
About this series
Balancing Life's Demands
Biblical Priorities for a Busy Life
Are you busy, tired, stressed out, and stretched to the limit? Does life seem a little out of control? Are you running long on "to do's" and short on time? In the series, Balancing Life's Demands, you will learn how to put "first things first" and find peace in the midst of pressure and adversity. This isn't about cliches or quick fixes, just practical biblical insights to help you order your personal world.More from this series
The fourth reason is because we constantly overestimate our ability to handle temptation. We underestimate the power of our passions or our sinful passions, and we overestimate our ability to handle temptation. I mean, some of you – and you don’t mean it like this – but just in your subconscious, you’re just thinking, I would never do that. I would never do that. I mean, I’m past that. Those things don’t affect me. I mean, we’re just friends. It’s platonic. Those kind of movies, I know some people struggle with them, but not me. They’re a little bit racy in places, but, you know . . . Or, it could appear this way, but we’re both very mature Christians, and I’m sure nothing would ever come of this relationship. What’s Paul say? He applies this passage: “Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed [lest] he . . . fall.”
You might jot down Hebrews 3:13; it’s one of my favorite passages. It says, “Encourage one another day after day . . . [lest any one] of you . . . be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.” You know, the word deceitful means you don’t know; you don’t get it. And notice, it’s about your heart. It always starts there. Your heart gets hardened. In fact, Jesus said that is the core reason for divorce. He says men’s heart, women’s hearts, they get hardened. And that’s why we’re to be tender hearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also has forgiven us.
“But encourage” – do you get that? “But encourage one another.” And encouragement isn’t, like, high-fiving, “Oh, you’re wonderful; I’m wonderful. Isn’t life happy?” This word is that parakaleo. It’s translated in some places as the word for the Holy Spirit, it’s “one who comes alongside.” Encouragement is, you come alongside another person, and sometimes it means you tell ‘em really hard stuff. Sometimes it just means you listen in support, and sometimes you just say, “I’m so proud of you.” But it’s doing life together. It’s caring.
I just want, in my heart and mind, to just say to myself, “Chip, on any given day, in the exact right circumstances, you are capable of sin beyond your wildest imagination. So, you need to make predecisions about where you’ll go and what you’ll do and who you’ll hang with, and you need to have a group of people that you can surround yourself with, that love you, that you invite into your life, and say, ‘You know what? You know, here’s my heart. Here’s my life. Here are my motives. Here are my struggles. This is what I’m going through in my life. Where’re you going?”
And if you don’t have that, you’ll start faking it. And you’ll have these temptations, and you’ll have thoughts, and you’ll feel like, Well, I can’t – and, actually, that leads to the very next and last reason.
The fifth reason that we need biblical accountability is, we naively believe our struggles and temptations are unique. See, I need it because I think, well, whether I like it or not, I’ve been a pastor for, like, 25 years, and, you know, people view me as a Christian leader, so I guess I’m a Christian leader. And then, I have this profile of Christian leaders, I bet they never struggle with this, and I guess now I’m a Christian leader, so if I ever struggle with that, something must be wrong with me.
Wrong. I’m a man. And you’re a man, or a woman, or a student. And no temptation has ever taken me, or ever taken you, but what is common to man. But God will, with the temptation, provide a way of escape that you might be able to endure it.
One time, someone said, “You know, I don’t know how you do it, Chip, because sometimes when you talk, I feel like you’re just talking to me, like you’re reading my mind.” This verse is my preaching verse. Now, this may sound crazy, but any area I’ve ever struggled with in my life, I make this assumption – so does everybody else. Ha! . . . And then, you know, I’ve told you I’m insecure, just like everybody else in this room, and I’m not overly vulnerable. I’m just thinking to myself, Let’s see, if every guy I’ve ever met, apart from the comatose guys, struggle with lust at some level, every woman I’ve ever met, at some level, struggles with self-image. Okay, everyone gets overextended. I mean, everyone has unresolved anger issues in your marriage. Everyone has, at some season in your marriage, had problems with communication, sex, in-laws, and kids. Right? I mean, duh!
It’s not, like, “Ohh,” I mean, you know, when you start talking about a few of those things, they’re like, “Oh, gosh, what’s wrong with him?” You know, what I get is, “Ehh, he’s one of us.” And you know what you need? You need people that you don’t have to have pretense with.
I wrote down a couple things, and I’ve been with some good men’s group and some good brothers, and . . . You need to be able to say to someone, “You know what? I know it may not sound very spiritual, especially in our church and our denomination, but I think I’m clinically depressed. And I’m not – could you help me know – I haven’t gone through when and how and why is medication good or not good, and how long, and who did you talk to, and . . .” There are people that are clinically depressed, and they don’t have anyone to talk to, because it’s the unpardonable sin in their little group.
Or a guy says, “You know what? This is really weird, and it only happened once, and it just flashed through my mind, but it scared me to death. I had a homosexual urge. Do you know what that is?” “I don’t know what that is. I mean, ahhhhhh!” You know?
Or, “I was just driving one day, and as I was driving down the road, and I was just feeling kind of low, and I just thought, You know, I’m just sick of all the pressure. And I was just – I was driving real fast, and there was a curve coming, and I just – I don’t know why, it came out of the blue – I just thought to myself, I think I’ll go straight. I think I’ll just floor it. I got some insurance. I’m not down; I’m not depressed, but I’m just – I’m just sick of life.” And as you’re going, these thoughts are going through your mind, and you think, Oh, well, I’d never do that, but it’s kind of getting closer, and then, you – oh – you know?
Good, godly, amazing, committed, Bible study, teachers, leaders, moms, grandparents, men, women, you have some of those thoughts. Well, welcome to the human race.
I remember, I was teaching a series on spiritual warfare, and as I was studying that – and there was a lot of that in California – and I remember praying, and one of the things that God took away early and miraculously – some things I’ve really had to work through – I just remember, like, three weeks after I was a Christian, God just went – Bing! – and I quit cussing. And I’d tried before. I had a bad mouth, you know, locker room and all that jazz – and I just quit. So, I hadn’t cussed in 20 years. And I was praying, I mean, before the throne of God, and it was just – stuff was going through my mind. It was like, What’s happening to me? You know? Gosh, is this God saying, “You’re not a very good pastor anymore”?
And you know, my initial thought was, I’m going insane. What’s happened to me? And then, I thought, wait a second. Hold it. Temptation is not the same thing as sin. Temptation means there’s an opportunity to be lured away, in some way . . .
You know, looking at a very attractive woman and going, “Wow! Very attractive,” is not the same thing as lusting for her. And you know, as a mature believer, I can say, “Lord, sunsets are beautiful and the trees are beautiful, and she’s beautiful, and that’s look number one. Now, I wanna thank You for what You made beautiful for me – Theresa.” But I’m not gonna beat myself up all day because, “Whoa!”… I’m a man. God gave me eyes, and they’re attracted to certain things: when a woman is beautiful…
And ladies, do you have to feel bad every time you see a beautiful room decorated, and you’re first thought is, That would look so good here, but we’d have to remodel. We just did that four years ago, and . . .? You know, the sin is when you start planning and figuring out how you’re gonna get your husband into doing that deal, right?
But the point I want to make is, because we naively believe our struggles and temptations are unique, we start to hide the ones that we think we’re too mature or we shouldn’t have. And I just wanna go back to, secrecy is where the enemy will bombard you with doubts and struggles and condemnation. You know what? When you have a struggle, let me tell you what the Spirit does. Pshew! It’s specific. It’s sin, righteousness, judgment: “Repent, ‘cause I love you.”
Condemnation is vague: “You’re a terrible person. You know, you’re a lousy this; you’re a lousy that, you know. Why God put you on this –” It’s general. It’s vague. Condemnation makes you not like you, not like God, and not wanna pray. Conviction is a light shining on something that needs to be addressed, and you lift it into the light. And just like bacteria out of the darkness, when the light hits the bacteria – Pshew! –so that the fellowship can be restored. If you confess, agree with God about your sins, He’s faithful and just to – what? Forgive, release you of all your sins, and cleanse you of all unrighteousness.
So, what’s he say about this biblical accountability? He says – what’s the summary? – “Therefore, my beloved, flee from idolatry.” See, at the heart of it, at the heart of it all is that I end up, me worshiping me. It’s really not about the sex; it’s about the ego. It’s really not about the food; it’s about the ego. It’s not about the business and the work; it’s about the ego. At the end of the day, the core of sin is gonna come back to, in any and all of these, is, God gets taken off the throne, my way, my control, my agenda, a world system, lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes, pride of life, promising me security, significance, value, and worth, apart from God. I bite on the bait; I make an idol. And then, Paul says, “And if that happens, then, I get disqualified.”
Disqualified from my relationship of eternal life? No. Disqualified as a useful vessel of honor, and disqualified, not only of use by God, but bringing incredible, incredible pain in the lives of others. There’s no such thing as private sins. Every sin I commit, every sin you commit has ripples. Some of them you may never see, but they have ripples. Even the ones that no one else has found out about – they have ripples. So, I have given you five reasons to say, “Dear God, I not only want, I am committed to having biblical accountability in my life.” Paul needed it; I need it. First Corinthians 10 outlines clearly, we all need it. So, how do you get it? How does it work? Let me give you some practical, I call ‘em spiritual, tips on getting there.
Number one, it begins at home. When we talk about accountability, too often, we jump into places outside. Start with the people that you live with. I think there are appropriate things, as men, better off to share with men, and women with women. I am very super open with my wife, but there are certain things that, you know what? My wife is not a man. She doesn’t really understand. And I need some guys that I can share that with, and her vice versa. But I think you gotta start in your home, your marriage partner or your roommates.
I mean, they see you. See, in those accountability groups, man, it’s smoke and mirrors: “Oh, yeah, you know, yeah, yeah.” Tell you what, you don’t do that at home. It’s like you left the dishes here, and you didn’t clean up this here, and you said that over here, and, you know, you’re saying all this spiritual jazz – I’m living with you. It’s not matching. So, you start at home.
Second, it’s an atmosphere of love: tender, compassionate, someone who’s rooting for you. You don’t need to become and you don’t need a spiritual Gestapo: [German accent] “Azoo! So, you didn’t read your Bible today, huh? You blew it!” I don’t need that. I want people to be straightforward, but I want someone who really loves me. They’ll be tough when they need to be tough, but even when they’re tough, I wanna see a little tear, or their eyes getting watery when they have mustered up the courage to confront me about something they know could split our relationship, and they’re being really tough. But I can feel, behind the toughness, man, they love me.
Third, it must be voluntary and by permission. There is no need for another junior Holy Spirit in your life. You have One who has the job. And so, people who come to you, and, “I would like to be your accountability partner, and I can help you grow” – thank you, no. And by the way, I think this is one you need to really negotiate. It is really hard. Some of you are in these, semi-imbalanced relationships, and you’re the wife, and you’re in the Bible, and you love God and you’re going to church, and your husband’s. . . not so close. And, as he gets up, here’s a Bible passage opened, and here’s a CD by so and so, and, “By the way, honey, I’ll pick up your favorite meal if you just go to church with us, and” – and just forget that jazz. Let God work. You let your chaste behavior and how you live… he may say, “I tell you what, if this loving Jesus makes you love me the way you love me, then honey, you just keep going to church, and I might even check it out.” Let God, and vice versa. So, it’s gotta be by permission. We don’t go out and hold other people accountable.
Four, it must be specific, not generic. I mean, this sort of, “Hey, why don’t we meet, and we all have coffee?” And, “So, how’re you doing in general?” “Oh, I’m doing pretty good in general. How you doing in general?” “I’m doing pretty good in general. So, what do you think of those Falcons?” “At our place, they actually won a game! Amen!” Or, “Hey, you think the Cardinals are gonna be any good this year with that quarterback change?” Or, “I don’t know, have you seen the last Southern Living magazine? I thought it was so cute, the way that . . .” You know. And, “Isn’t it good to be in these accountability groups? It just makes me feel warm all over.” You know? And then, we kid ourselves, thinking that something’s happening. It needs to be specific.
Now, you might even put some things in writing and say, “You know what? As we meet together, these are the things we wanna cover.” I have a fellow – he’s that dad figure – and I’ll never forget, I was in Dallas, and he has permission, and we talk on a regular basis, and – and he’s real funny. He has a flattop and kind of looks at me like this . . . And he said, “Okay, while we wait on our food, are you ready?” And you know, it’s like a game show or something. I said, “A.C., man, what are you doing?” He goes, “Well, are you ready?” Said, “Yeah.” And he takes his wallet, and he has this little laminated thing, and – real small print – and these questions. “Question number one: Have you, any time, since we last met, been on the Internet and watched anything inappropriate?” “Question number two –” And, I mean, he goes through my thought life, my time, my money, my ego. And then, the last question, after it was, like, five basic areas, he goes, “Question number six: Have you lied to me on questions one through five?”
And you know what? He knows me, and he’s kind of goofy. He knew it’d be uncomfortable. He knew it’d be the kind of thing that it’s always awkward. But guess what? I got a safe place to go.
Anybody ask you those questions? You asking anybody those questions? According to this passage, until the day you take your last breath, and I take my last breath, there’ll be struggles in those areas, right? So, it needs to be specific. And by the way, every time, it doesn’t need to be hardcore, “All right” – you know? But you build relationship and you build trust, but it’s – we’re gonna be specific about some things.
My rule of thumb is, no more than four people, unless there are unique relationships of closeness that allow for more. And I think two is not great, because we start getting blind spots for one another. I mean, it’s okay. I think mentoring relationships are great, but for accountability, there’s something healthy about having someone listen to stuff and say – ‘cause what you do is, you’re vulnerable when you’re really being open, and you only have one set of eyes looking at what’s going on. I wanna couple set of eyes. So, I have relationships with a handful of people like this.
The conclusion: Making sincere commitments is tough. Keeping them is next to impossible, alone. There’s hope. Many start well; few finish well. You can be the exception. You can be the exception. There is no temptation taken to you, there is no trial taken to you but such is common to man, and with that temptation, God will provide a way of escape. And I’m telling you, the way to escape is that a cord of three is not easily broken.