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About this series
Overcoming Emotions that Destroy
Practical Help for Those Angry Feelings that Ruin Relationships
How do you deal with those angry feelings we all experience? In the series, Overcoming Emotions That Destroy, Chip Ingram will help you identify whether you are a spewer, leaker, or stuffer. You will learn the difference between good and bad anger, how to gain control of it, and how to use it in constructive ways. This no-nonsense, practical series, will give you biblical tools to express your anger appropriately and deal with those who express their anger toward you.More from this series
Ephesians 4:26 says, it’s the good summary of anger in Scripture, “Be angry” – that’s a command, “yet, do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger, lest you give the devil a foothold or an opportunity.”
So, your anger quotient talks about the environment that you’re in, certain environments raise the possibility of anger. Certain perspectives that you have either increase or decrease your relationship with anger and it’s all tied into, no matter what your environment or perspective, obeying Ephesians 4:26.
I want you to circle the “E” if you will, and I want to talk about your environment. I want to talk about the environment that can allow you to be either more angry or the environment that can cause you to be far less angry.
I want to read just a little section. My teammate, I’ve never teamed up and done a book with someone before and it’s been kind of fun to get a woman’s perspective and especially someone that’s worked with so many people. She’s a practicing psychologist and counselor and she did this experiment. Just a couple paragraphs.
She said, “One day I decided to keep a mental log of all the times I felt angry. I wanted to know how often I got angry and what I got angry about and what triggered the anger. I encourage you to try this too. The results were surprising and quite humbling.
“I was shocked at how often angry feelings came to the surface. Prior to consciously counting these episodes I had mistakenly assumed that anger was only an occasional visitor to my emotional arsenal. I was wrong. Very wrong. I had to be honest about my feelings of anger, frustration, and actual infuriation. I had felt either flits or fits of anger at not being able to find my favorite socks, running out of milk, the kids taking too long to get ready, the slow driver in front of me, the long wait at the pharmacy, the store that was closed on Monday, having to put gas in the car, the price of the gas in the car, the long line and the slow service when I got gas in the car, the kids leaving their clothes on the floor again, the computer freezing on me again, and I was only halfway through the day.
“Though some of these feelings could describe fleeting frustrations, when I was honest, far too many of them, were actual anger. Then came another humbling lesson, I realized that most of the day-to-day anger I experienced was all about small, insignificant stuff, that I face all the time. When I stopped and looked at how often I got angry and what I got angry about, I had to admit that it happened too much and too often. Then I took a further step. I ask, ‘What is it that contributes to the anger of my day to day life?’
“And the answer was surprisingly simple – stress. Stress. The relationship between stress and anger in my life isn’t unusual. The more pressured, burned out, overwhelmed, or busy that you become, the more your anger will lie at the foot of your feet, ready to explode at any moment. The key to lessening our anger is our ability to minimize stress.” Final line. “The more stress we’re under the more likely it is that anger will make its appearance. Our goal is to reduce stress.”
And so I want to just encourage you in our time together, I’m going to be really, really practical. Not an outline, I’m not going to go all kind of different texts. I basically want to give some practical wisdom about how to reduce stress in your life.
I am a type A personality. I have been a workaholic. I have been characterized by being driven.
And I’ve pastored anything from a member church of about thirty-five people where thirty-four of them are related – that produced a lot of stress – to six or seven thousand people coming through the doors every six or seven days and a very large staff and big budgets and being totally overwhelmed.
And so, all I want you to know is, I understand what it’s like and I just want to walk through some very practical ways that people far wiser than me and many things that I’ve experienced that might help you.
Number one stress reducer is: eliminate hurry.
John Ortberg, went to teach at a large church in Chicago, and has since gone back to California. But when he was ready to take that big step. And it was a big, big, big church and he was going to be the teaching pastor with a team of guys, and he met with Dallas Willard and he said, “You know, you’re a wise man in the things of God, you’ve written books on the spiritual disciplines, what piece of advice could you give me as I take my family into all this responsibility, and all this pressure, and all that I’m going to face.” And he said, “You know I got my pen out,” and he said, “I’m going to take lots of notes. This is Dallas Willard. And he leaned back and he looked at me and he said, ‘Ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life.’ And so okay, yeah, okay, good. Uh... So… ‘No,’ he said, ‘That’s it. Ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life.”
Speed and godliness are incompatible. Speed and peace are incompatible. Hurry and loving others is incompatible. Hearing God’s voice and hurry are incompatible. Ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life.
I heard that at a time when our church was going through some significant growth and a capital campaign, a building campaign, someone mistakenly took a couple of the messages and stuck them on a local radio station and then some other station put it on some other station and that started down the road and to say that I was under pressure and living a hurried life would be an understatement. And I think there’s times in our life where God will give us a message that is so for us that the entire trajectory of our future can be changed if we’ll just obey that one word for us in that moment.
And I remember thinking to myself, and then Ortberg, he’s a tremendous teacher. If you’ve never read any of his books, I’d just highly recommend them. And so, I remember deciding: I’m going to ruthlessly eliminate hurry from my life.
I was the guy, you know, the plane door, it’s leaving, one more person’s getting on. Ingram gets on! Okay sits down, briefcase, got to do some work, da da da. You know, I mean doing this, getting to a meeting one minute just before it starts because you can’t be late but you’ve got to do five things just before you get there, multi-tasking all the time, talking on the phone, answering email on the computer, and three other things if I could. And he gave some practical ways to do it and so I went into training. I literally went into training. I took some of his suggestions.
Number one: For two years I drove in the right hand lane of the freeway. It was just, I’m just going to drive in the right hand lane. I’m not going to be in a hurry. I’m not going to count how many cars go by in the toll lane. If I get in this lane right here, I think, let’s see, one, two, three, four, the yellow car got in with me, and, oh man, I should have picked that line.
You know what that tells you about your mindset? You must be really, really important. You must be so important that you have to get wherever you’re going that matters so much more than everybody else. What I realized, my hurry was rooted in arrogance, and what he called grandiosity. My being overextended was rooted in my grandiosity. For all the right reasons, doing really pretty significant things for God, I had come to believe unconsciously, it wasn’t willfully, that I’d become indispensable. I had to be everywhere and do everything and I had to hurry and the more of it I could do, the more God would be pleased.
I also went into the discipline of when I went to the grocery line, of going to the longest line, instead of the shortest one. It was painful. But, then I just, “Hey, how’re you doing? Good! So, you shop here often?” “Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. You?” “Nah, I just come you know my wife sends me for stuff and you know, I pick up what I can remember it’s usually the wrong brand or something. So do you live around here?”
You know what happened? I started relating to people again. Pretty soon the knots in my stomach when I was driving because I always had to…
I could tell you when you get off this ramp if you go in the left hand lane for the first two and a half miles, then if you go to the right hand lane because the exit comes this way then you get back in the right hand lane then you could, I mean I had, I was always in a hurry. And I began to slow. Slow down. Slow down. Slow down.
And it was really amazing, just the quality of life. I did something weird, I always try to figure out how, let’s see, they say you have to be there, this was before 9/11, you had to be there so you know like, an hour before a flight, and so I would just, I mean, everything was down to the wire, and then I decided, you know something? I think I’m going to get there an hour and a half early. Sometimes two hours.
And I’m going to get there early, and I happen to like a very good cup of coffee. I’m going to get a very good cup of coffee, I’m going to put my feet up, I’m going to think about what’s going on. Think I’m going to spend a little bit of time writing in my journal. Going to thank God for some of the people in my life maybe return a few calls, I think I’m going to call some people while I wait that I just…
Have you ever just opened your phone and just thought, “I wonder who I haven’t talked to lately?” for no reason. Bob in Tampa. I’ll probably get a voicemail but that’s okay. “Hey, Bob! Er do do do. Beep. This is Chip, you know what I’m sitting in the airport in Dallas and I just want to remind you, God loves you, Bob. And you remember two years ago when we had that little meeting? You came to my mind today. I love you. You are a friend like few I’ve ever had. And I hope you’re doing well today. God bless you.”
And I just started doing some spontaneous, non-urgent, not having to get it done, eliminating hurry from my life. Now, do I have some regression now and then? You bet. But I still get to airports early. I don’t always drive in the right hand lane, all the time, but I, for a period of time, I just got that, I’ve-got-to-get-there attitude out of me and it made a huge difference.
I read a poem that many of you will recognize and it was about that classic slow me down, Lord. And then after it, there were some observations that we made. “When I’m in a hurry I don’t notice the flowers blooming alongside the road. When I’m in a hurry there does seem to be more irritating drivers on the road than normal. When I’m in a hurry I don’t strike up friendly conversations with those around me. When I’m in a hurry I avoid people, places, and things that take time and energy, and effort. When I’m in a hurry I pretend not to see the person behind me in line who only has a few items when I have a cartful of groceries. When I’m in a hurry, my heart pounds and my muscles are tense and my mind races.
“When I’m in a hurry, I rush through the day and I rush by people. When I’m in a hurry I don’t ask people how they really are or if I do, I don’t stick around to hear the answer. When I’m in a hurry, my devotional life is a task to get done, instead of a time to treasure. When I’m in a hurry, I’m abrupt with people. When I’m in a hurry, it feels like life is a race to be run. When I’m in a hurry, I get angry more easily and more often.
“When I’m not in a hurry, I enjoy my food more. When I’m not in a hurry, I smile more and just feel calmer. When I’m not in a hurry, life seems to be a lot more enjoyable and less stressful. When I’m not in a hurry, I’ll ask about others, about themselves, how they’re doing, and I actually like hearing what they have to say.
“When I’m not in a hurry, my times in prayer are more meaningful. When I’m not in a hurry, I think I’m actually a nicer person, more thoughtful, and kinder to others. And when I’m not in a hurry, I’m more patient, loving, understanding, and tolerant. When I’m not in a hurry, things just don’t bother me as much.”
See, we can talk about anger and the A-B-C-D and it’s a secondary emotion. But your AQ, your anger quotient, will be determined by your E, environment, plus your P, perspective, times your willingness to obey Ephesians 4:26. So eliminate hurry.
Second, is downsize your expectations. Most of us try to do too much too soon and we feel overwhelmed and it puts us under pressure. And because our expectations are so high and we’re under pressure, then anger bubbles out.
Most dramatic experience ever. And this is not my biography, but I just want to tell you how life really works. I think sometimes people get up and they come to a place like this and so people think you’re way smarter than you are, way more holy than you are, and all of us are exactly the same ordinary people with regular ups and downs.
And in seminary I had a conviction that my wife should be home with our kids. And that was a really important conviction because that meant I needed to support us and go to school full-time, which was really hard. And so, I would get up at about 4:30 in the morning and study Greek until 7, catch a carpool, and then the carpool, I’d go to work, from work, I called it work, I went to seminary from 7 until about 4:30 and I would either read or be in class a hundred percent of the time, come home, play with the kids, eat dinner, go to work at 6:30. Get home at 11. Do it again.
So I was under lots of pressure. And where I went to school they wanted three years of Greek and two years of Hebrew and it wasn’t always that it was so hard, but it was just so much to do.
And I remember a guy that became a great mentor and a friend for the last twenty-five years was Howard Hendricks. I actually went to school to be around him. And I’ll never forget one day, he had a group of us together and we were kind of whining about our lives and demands and he has this, “You know the problem, don’t ya?” “No, prof, what’s the problem?” “The problem is you guys don’t get enough C’s.” What do you mean? “You don’t get enough C’s.”
He had this funny way of, you know, always doing like this with his nose. And, C’s, what do you mean? “Yeah, you’re a bunch of smart guys here. You came from schools where you’re smart guys and you think getting A’s is where it’s at. I got news for you guys, God doesn’t care whether you get A’s. Secondly, no one’s going to look at your résumé, whether you got A’s or not. You’re competitive, driven, carnal guys. Get some C’s. Love your wives. Have some fun!” You know?
And, so I was involved in ministry and I was involved in working and it was like someone just took the expectations and said – I wasn’t probably near as smart as a lot of guys, but I always was one of those students that could figure out what was going to be on the test so I always got really good grades. I’m just kind of a street smart, but I’m not super academic.
And I said, okay, this Greek class, a zillion hours, I’ve got to read all these book, I’m supposed to have all these, let’s see, two thousand words memorized and all this – and that’s worth ten percent of my grade, and when I get out, a computer has all those words somewhere. So, okay ten percent, that gets me from a hundred to a ninety – not going to do that. And then this other thing you’re supposed to read this, this, this, and that. Well, I want to learn to do the exegetical work, this, this, this, that’s what will help me be the man God wants me to be. I’m not doing that, that’s only five percent.
And so, I started to go the last couple years, and I’d go to the professor and say, “I just want you to know that I’m not sluffing off, it’s not that I don’t care about you, it’s not that I don’t think that what you’re doing is important. It’s that all these words are in a book, and when you do the little quizzes on the vocabulary, I won’t do well. I’m not even going to try. I’m starting your class with a B. Okay? And I just bought myself seven hours a week and it will probably make me a better dad, a way better husband.” And I just went through my classes.
Now, you know what? As crazy as prof was, even after doing that, most all of us, we just got B’s and A’s anyway. But it was just that – who’s putting the invisible gun to your head that says your house has to be absolutely spotless all the time? Who’s putting the invisible gun to your head that says you always have to return every call the same day or that this new thing, beep beep beep. An email comes. Ohhhhh! Oh my gosh! I’ve got to return the…
I mean, who made these rules? I didn’t get that. “It’s been seven minutes and they haven’t returned my email yet.” Why if I’m doing something over here that’s the will of God, how, how does someone electronically shoot something through a satellite that says it’s now the most important thing in my life? Where did we start doing that?
If I didn’t know better, that would be stupid. That would just be stupid. And then we get so overwhelmed. I’ve done this. Have you ever done this? You know, you get sort of those, they’re not quite spam – they’re from Harry and David’s and different people you order some stuff every now and then, or Delta Airlines is telling me about new fares.
Have you ever felt like you’re so overwhelmed that you want to feel like you’ve accomplished something and I sit at my computer, delete that one. Delete that one. Have you ever done that? Like the day is going so overwhelmed and I feel like, “Harry and David, that one’s gone. Delta Airlines, that’s gone. Those three advertisements gone. Boy, do I feel good about myself.” Is this nuts? Anyway…
Three: Learn to say no. I was privileged to get some mentoring from Chuck Swindoll, and as the radio was growing every year they’d have this dinner and we’d get a chance, and somehow I got to sit next to him and every year for about seven or eight years he literally took me for about a half hour, put his arm around me, and basically gave me that, “Now young man, here’s what you need to remember.” And it was amazing.
And so, I remember one year, he said, “One of the greatest things you’ll ever have to learn, learn to say no. Kindly, artfully, and with excellence.” And he said, “It will save you so much. I mean, people need to know you would love to, but the answer is no.” And I thought, “Wow, you know that is...” I didn’t really understand what he meant. And then there was a certain book that I thought would be really important and we were friends, and so I called him or wrote him and asked him if he would endorse the book.
And I got the nicest, most excellent, kindest letter. That I felt like, when I got done reading that letter, I was, next to Cynthia, maybe the second or third most important person in Chuck Swindoll’s life. Wow. “No.” I mean it was just like, “Chip, I appreciate you so much and what you‘ve done and I’ve glanced this, this is going to have a great impact. I’m so excited. And our times together and – our board and the priorities, they’ve just limited what I can do. I would love to do it. But I just can’t.”
Learn to say no kindly. Don’t take stuff on in church, don’t do stuff for friends, don’t let guilt drive you to get your schedule because under stress when you’re doing stuff you don’t feel really called to do, you get resentment and you’re going to have more anger.
Number four: Admit mistakes and imperfections. If we could just liberate one another, one of the core values, we only have four at Living on the Edge, and we did it with the acronym, L-O-T-E. And the L is for “live it out.” We’ve got to be what we want others to become.
And the O is for “own your stuff.” Don’t blame, don’t tell someone else, “It wasn’t on time.” It was: you’re late. I love it when someone says – one of the new guys that’s working with us, and I get this email, “Hey Chip, sorry man, haven’t done this in years. I thought my plane was to leave at this time, it’s no one else’s fault, I didn’t look at the thing. I missed my plane. I’ll miss the meeting. I blew it. Sorry.” I wrote him an email back. I said, ‘Hey, Rick. Let me tell you this, you made my day. Thanks so much. You didn’t tell me it was someone else’s fault. You didn’t tell me your assistant blew it. You didn’t tell me that you’d renegotiated things and thought it might be better to come a second day but you’re really sorry. There was no smoke, there were no mirrors. You made a mistake, welcome to the human race. You owned your stuff. Way to go. Keep it up.”
Do you realize how much stress we’re under to slightly bend the truth to say, “The traffic was really heavy.” Of course it was very heavy and you left a half hour late. Right? You would really love to do it. You would never want to do that in a million years, right? But you can’t. You know, just you forgot. How about that one? You know what? I forgot to call you back. There was one, I was checking my messages from somewhere and I thought, and I called the guy, and it’s just human I think, I thought to myself, “Okay, I was busy. I was traveling. Um, there’s got to be a legitimate excuse. This is an important relationship and it’s been four days.”
And then – God – I had this little thought from the Holy Spirit, “Why don’t you just tell him you forgot? Isn’t that what happened?” “Yeah, but that doesn’t sound very spiritual, Lord”, “Yeah, I know, but, is it the truth?” “Yeah.” “Do you think human beings ever forget, Chip?” “Yeah.” Why don’t you just tell him you forgot?” “Okay.”
So I called this guy and I said, “Hey.” It was really one of those really important type things, and I said, “Hi, this is Chip, and by the way, I realize it’s been a number of days and it sounded pretty urgent, but I just forgot.” And at the other end of the phone, it wasn’t like, “You are a terrible person! You will now be sent to, if there’s a purgatory, you will now go there!” It was just, “Hey man, I understand.” What happens? Admit your mistakes.
Five: laugh more often. Don’t take life or yourself so seriously. Proverbs 17:22 says, “A cheerful heart is good medicine.”
The people that I know that have inspired me and helped me have a great sense of humor and they laugh and they have fun. And I just want to encourage you, a lot of the anger, a lot of the stress will leave when you just lighten up a little bit and enjoy yourself.
Number six is take care of yourself. This is one that you almost don’t want to say because it’s going to go over the top but I’ll just say it just so I can have good stewardship. You need enough rest, you need to eat good food, and you need to work out enough to keep your body in shape. And when you don’t do those things, when you don’t have very much rest, when you eat stuff that’s not good for you, and you don’t do any kind of exercising, you’re going to be angry more often. It’s just the way it is. Less sleep, less energy, and I don’t think everyone has to be “a health nut” but I think you ought to ask yourself, “If this really is the temple of God,” 1 Corinthians 6:19 and 20, “if this really is the temple of God, am I treating it like God’s temple?”
And then you just start slow with where you’re at and start putting more good stuff instead of bad stuff in your body and if you’ve never jogged or anything you just start walking and just do, little by little by little, but you take care of yourself and you’ll just find your anger, by the way, a lot of people that have not good eating habits and don’t work out, guess who you’re angry at? Yeah.
My background in undergraduate, and grad work, I did in undergrad but then in just a few classes in grad work in psychology. And there’s this weird thing the way our minds work is that when people don’t like themselves or they feel guilty or bad, they feel like they need to punish themselves, and we will actually create behaviors to produce outcomes to equalize things inside of us, and so people will eat and do things that are bad for them that create outcomes that sort of say, “Well this is the sort of person I am. This is what I deserve.” Now that, as weird as that sounds, is true. But take care of yourself. You matter. You’re important. You’re precious. You’re loved.
And then finally, know what triggers your anger. And let me give you an acronym here: H-A-L-T.
HALT when you’re hungry, angry, lonely, or tired – stop, halt! Don’t make a big decision. Don’t go anywhere. Don’t try and take on something. And I guess, what I got from that acronym is, what I found is when I’m hungry, I’m a lot un-nice to be with. Right? I’m angry. When I’m lonely, my anger quotient goes up. When I’m tired, you don’t even want to go there. Right?
And so, I just want to encourage you, some real practical learnings about your AQ, your anger quotient is going to be, your environment, that’s what we talked about here, plus your perspective, we’ll look at that in just a second, that’s times obedience to 4:26, is in real life, these are things that will minimize the stress and help you with your AQ.
The E is you minimize stress, to get the right perspective, we want to maximize God. You want to get a high, clear, view of God.
Let me give you six things here to maximize, or enlarge your perspective. This is what I call, “spiritual wisdom.” Number one: Get right with God. Believe in Him, confess your sins, and forgive others. If by whatever chance, you’re here and you don’t know Christ personally, don’t leave this campus until you put your faith in Christ, allow Him to forgive your sins and give you a peace that’s indescribable and a power that’s within you.
If you are a believer here, then take to heart, submit therefore to God, resist the devil and he’ll flee from you. Submission, anything you know that God wants you to do, or to act on that you’re not, is called lack of submission. You want to say to God, “All that I am, all that I have, is Yours.” If He’s been speaking to you about dealing with anger, dealing with your mate, marriage, dealing with an alcohol issue, dealing with prescription drugs, dealing with forgiving someone in the past…just do it! You‘ll be amazed!
“Submit therefore to God, resist the devil, he’ll flee from you.” Then notice, “Draw near to God and He’ll draw near to you.” And then he talks about, well, what’s it mean to draw near to God?
“Cleanse your hands you sinners, and purify your heart you double-minded,” and then he’s going to go on in the passage, in this passage, later on and talk about: this is the picture of humbling yourself before God so that He can come and lift you up and help you.
God is not an angry, mean God whose arms are crossed, with a boney finger, and a tapping toe, that thinks you have messed up and you’re messing up again and He wants to whack you on your spiritual knuckles and saying, “Get with the program!”
He is not down on you. He loves you, He’s for you, and He died for you. Now, certain behaviors and certain stiff-arming of God will bring about, what I call Hebrews 12, the velvet vise of consequences.
He loves you so much that when you are living in a way that’s contrary to your best and His Word, he will begin to bring consequences into your life. And it can come in finances, in relationships, it can come in your kids, it can come in your health. He just wants to say, “Hello? I love you.”
And some of us, we keep thinking, “Why are all these things happening to me?” Just stop, and say, “Is there anything in my life that needs to be realigned with what I know is true?” And the perspective that you’ll get and the peace that you’ll receive.
Some people have someone that’s wounded you. You just need the last line. You need to forgive them. Release them. God’s a fair judge. He knows all things. The reason we don’t want to release people is, “Well I’m taking them off the hook.” You’re not taking them off the hook. “Vengeance is mine, says the Lord.”
Tell you what, if God’s absolutely fair, and He’s all wise, and He knows all things, actual and possible, He knows why the person did it, what the circumstances were, you just say, “God, I’ll tell You what, either I’m going to be the referee or You’re going to be the referee. I don’t know the whole story. I’m going to give this person to You,” and then here’s what’s helped me, “Now, God, when I really have been really honest about stuff in me, I do not want to get what I deserve – I mean not at all.”
We’re going to talk about this later, “But if I’m going to receive Your mercy;” Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God also has forgiven you.” But get right with God. Your perspective, your life. A half-hearted, partially in, partially out, relationship with Jesus Christ is the most miserable people on the face of the earth. Just come clean.
Number two: Experience God’s unconditional love and acceptance.
When you wake up in the morning, I have this picture and I try and remember and a lot of mornings, as soon as my eyes open, I have this picture of God looking down upon me, and Him saying to this, “The Lord, personal God, Elohim, is in your midst. The Mighty One will save.”
That word “save” means He’ll deliver. It’s not just save you from your sin, it means, He’s a deliverer. He’ll help you. He’ll take care of whatever you’re facing. “He will rejoice over you with gladness. He will quiet you with His love. He will rejoice over you with singing.” Is that your view of God? Is that how He feels about you?
Well, that doesn’t come naturally to me and so, one of the things that I do, and I don’t know how it works but, some of us believe that God loves us, but emotionally, we don’t even feel like He likes us. It’s why it’s hard to pray.
A lot, a lot of Christians, are like, duty: “I know it’s right. Walking with God is like castor oil – it’s really good for you, but it tastes terrible. I know you’re supposed to pray, I’m going to pray down this list. Read the Bible, this is really fun.” You get a little spiritual liver quiver just now and then. “That was, that’s pretty good, you know?”
God wants you to experience His love. A lot of that goes back to how you were raised and some teaching you got and family background.
Now this is loaded with music that causes my heart to remember how much God loves me. And almost every morning part of my prayer time, there’s two or three or four songs and sometimes I just tell God, “I just want to hang out. I don’t want to get anything done. If You want me to read something, let me know. I’ve got a program I usually follow. I just want to hang.” And I put this on, and I sing along with the songs and I just worship God.
And all I can tell you is, I get up, I feel loved. When Theresa and I go out for coffee, it’s not like okay, “What do you want to get accomplished here? Okay you want to get intimate? Okay. Um, I love you. I mean, let me hear you say it – you love me too. Good, okay we got that off. Okay, um, plan for the day. Um, let’s hold hands at 1:01. Great. Let’s walk the dog and look up and say, ‘Isn’t it beautiful?’ And okay, we’ll get that one down. Okay? Uh, you think we could squeeze sex in here and make it real meaningful a little bit later? You know it’s, that should be important. You know?”
No, I mean, some of us approach our relationship – when I am with Theresa, I just want to hang. I just like being with her. I just like looking in her eyes. I like just walking in the park. I like getting up at five in the morning when the moon’s out and the stars are just coming out when it’s cool, and sitting out on the porch, and hearing all the birds, and sipping on a cup of coffee, and just sometimes we’ll sit quietly for fifteen minutes. And sometimes we’ll talk. I just, I like her. I love her. I want to be in her presence.
God wants you to experience that. There’s multiple ways you can do that. You can take walks in nature. But see, you’ve got to slow down, so this is helpful for me. So that’s a little tool that I use.
The second tool for me is my view of God was so warped that I have read portions of this book for about the last thirty-two years. It’s called The Knowledge of the Holy by A.W. Tozer. And I will never forget hitting the chapter on the goodness of God and reading, “The goodness of God is that which disposes Him to be kind, cordial, benevolent, and full of good will toward men. He is tenderhearted and quick of sympathy, and his unfailing attitude toward all moral beings is open, frank, and friendly, by His nature, He is inclined to bestow blessedness”, and I love this, “He takes holy pleasure in the happiness of His people.”
Do you believe that? Or are you always trying to measure up to something? He takes holy – when you’re happy, God gets happy. Then I love the line, he says, “If the whole, the whole outlook of mankind might be changed, if we could all believe we dwell under a friendly sky, and the God in heaven, though exalted in power and majesty is eager to be friends with us.”
I will tell you, this is the P of perspective. And when you have a big God, and you have a big perspective, your problems get really small. And when your problems are small, you don’t get so angry. It’s not such a big deal.
God is good. God is powerful. I’m the object of His love. He’s got the whole universe under control, and I bet He can handle that business deal. He’s got the whole universe under control, and I bet He can handle what’s happening with the economy. He’s got the whole universe under control, and you are the object of His affection. So, experience God.
Three: Accept who God made you to be. Psalm 139 is a classic passage. “He formed your inward parts, you’re fearfully and wonderfully made. His eyes saw your unformed substance.” How do you learn to accept who you are? There are lots of tools, this is the one I’m using right now. I probably have about thirty of these, maybe forty. I started in my last couple years of college. I don’t think it’s for everyone. If you don’t do this, don’t feel guilty. In fact, anything that I share that happens to help me that you think, That doesn’t work for me, then I would not do it.
I have a sneaking suspicion you’re not me and I’m not you. I’ve heard lots of wonderful things other people do and I think, “That sounds idiotic, that doesn’t work for me,” but I used to try it.
I’m learning to accept me because I’m tracking the journey that I have with God. And it’s not formal, and sometimes I make a list, sometimes I write out my prayers, some of them start out, “God, I am really tired, I’m really bummed out, and I don’t feel like praying at all, but I thought I would check in. And here’s what’s going on in my heart.”
What I realized is the more I process life with Him, and then I realize, you know something? I was struggling with this two years ago and, wow, you know something? I really am changing. The grace of God is willing and working in and through me for His good pleasure. When you can’t see it and you can’t track it – S&P 500, don’t they track stuff? Dow, don’t they track stuff? NASDAQ, don’t the track stuff? Businesses, don’t they have quarterly report? Most of us have no idea: where am I spiritually, where I have I been, where am I going, and I wonder where I’m at right now?
And sometimes, this is hard, I believe I know, I get really tired and really discouraged and I just think, “You know what? I don’t think my life’s going anywhere. I don’t think God’s using me at all, I don’t think...” you know, the condemnation journey. And I’ll go pull out one of these from five or ten years ago. I think, Man, this is a sorry dude that wrote this. You know? And that’s as sincere as he could be and I think, Wow. And then I’ll read, I was praying this outlandish prayer, God did that. Wow. If He did that for me, He sure must love me because I know who I am. And it’s just a journey.
And, by the way, most of these passages I told you before, it’s been helpful, you can write them on a card, don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Read them over, read them over, pray them out loud to God – your mind gets renewed.
You want to maximize God. Trust God and His sovereignty. Let him be in control. I mean, this Isaiah passage, “To whom then will you liken me?” or, “Who is my equal?” “Lift up your eyes. See who has created these things. He brings out their hosts, their stars by number. He calls all these,” you know, two hundred billion stars and behind two hundred billion galaxies, “all by name. Who can know the strength of His power? Not one of them is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and speak, O Israel, ‘My way is hidden from the Lord’? Have you not known have you not heard the Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable.”
I don’t mean – I will never through my brains in the trash and just say, “Oh whatever,” but I will do the most rigorous research I can and I will study the Scriptures and I will review everything I can get my hands on to understand all the “whats” and the “whys” of this life, and then when I get done, I just realize, I don’t know anything.
And I have to entrust the mystery of this life and what God’s doing in the world, in people I love, in me, and at the end of the day, I have to back it all the way up to this big, big P for perspective and say, “He’s good, He’s holy, He’s loving, He’s wise. He knows all things. I’m the object of His affection. He has a good plan. I won’t always understand it. And He is in absolute control and He’s trustworthy.”
That will give you a different lens to look through. You either tend to look at life through the problem, the five percent of your marriage, the ten percent you don’t like, the part of work, the three or four things that are bugging you. And you tend not to look at the ninety-seven of all the grace of God and all the things that He’s done.
And when you look at the problem, pretty soon you look at people and everything through the problem and you become an angry, resentful, not very fun, sort of, uh, drinking the lemon juice type Christian. Or you take that and you pull it back and you get a high, awesome view of God and you don’t say there’s not a problem, but you see the problem in view of who God is. You maximize Him, you minimize stress.”
We covered this one: be merciful. All I can tell you is, as you read Luke 6, love your enemies, do good to them, God’s that way. Just let people off the hook. Just give them an “Ollie, ollie, in free.” Remember when you played hide and seek? You just need to do a spiritual, “Ollie, ollie, in free! I’ve hated your guts for eleven years. I’ve been envious of you for ten. You’ve been talking about me bad, everyone knows you have. Ollie, ollie, in free. Just taking you off the hook. Wrote your name on a piece of paper, offered you to God, burnt the piece of paper. I’m just done with that.” Just let some people off the hook. And the person that will get free is you.
Finally, number six: Pray about everything. And we all know this very familiar passage about not being anxious, but in everything by prayer and supplication of making your request known to God and that great promise of His peace.
And prayer is hard for me – I think it is for most Christians.
This little tool, it’s called the Handbook of Prayer by Ken Boa, and what it does is it takes just Scripture and it personalizes it, and it’ll start with praise, renewal, petition, intercession, affirmation, thanksgiving, and you can just see, it’s short, but you can read out loud a little portion of God’s Word that’s personalized, and it leads you and then you can pray some thanksgiving.
And there’s some time of confession, and some renewal, and I don’t do anything every day. I mean, I read my Bible and I pray, but sometimes I read a lot and sometimes I pray a lot. Sometimes, but I don’t get up with Theresa every day and go, “Okay now let’s, we need to talk for thirty-seven minutes, we need to walk for fourteen point four minutes, we need to have two and a half meals together and then we need...”
In other words, what’s the relationship need? Let’s get out of the “three chapters keeps the devil away.” Let’s talk about a heart that hungers and thirsts for the living God. That pants to be in His presence. That longs to enjoy Him, and discipline ourselves and block off time, not to fulfill a duty to check off a list, but to meet a God who is eager to be our friend.
You get a high view of God, you will get small problems. Or you’ll get a different perspective on them. And now we go back to where we were. Your anger quotient equals – environment, minimizing the stress, E, plus P, perspective, maximizing God, times O, obeying Ephesians 4:26. Be angry, but don’t sin and don’t let the sun go down on your anger.