daily Broadcast

Memories, Presence, Models, and Peace

From the series Intentional Parenting

Principle #7 - Positive Memories: Memories make up the foundation of who we are. Make up traditions; capture moments; prioritize vacations; create adventures. Principle #8 - Consistent Presence: Kids would rather have your presence than your presents. Presence communicates, "You are really important to me. You are valuable. I care about you deeply." Principle #9 - Role Models: Kids possess the character of their parents. Kids need to see a dad or a mom who is aligning his/her life with the teachings of Jesus and walking with Him faithfully. Principle #10 - A Peaceful Home: Kids are in combat all day long. If you want a peace-filled home, you have got to become a peace-filled person. When you know you are dearly loved by God, then you can dearly love others.

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Message Transcript

We are in part three of this series that we have been doing where I have been talking about ten actions that all kids need from caring adults.

And that caring adult could be a parent, that’s mostly what I’m going after. But, really, grandparents, aunts, uncles, mentors, coaches, teachers – anybody who is not a hermit whose life intersects that of a young person.

What do all kids need? We have been unpacking that.

Basically, what we have been saying is that to have an end game in mind. What would it look like if the kids that we were entrusted to, to parent and to care for and to mentor, had a sense of confidence and character and convictions and compassion and, ultimately, were competent people? That they could actually do something with their God-given skills.

So we have that end in mind. What do we do to build into that? And I have been given these, so far, six actions. We have talked about strong belief, ongoing affection, encouraging words, serious fun, delicate discipline, and activated responsibility.

And, actually, that moves us to the seventh action that I think all kids need from caring adults and that is: Positive memories. Healthy kids have great memories. So when it comes to our childhood, there are a flood of things that come back.

And, personally, I am thankful for more good memories than bad memories, but truth be told, no family is perfect. And you, as a parent, you are going to create some bad memories. You’re going to act like a child as an adult and do something that is going to wound your kids. You’re going to yell too much, you’re going to create shame, you’re going to get angry and use terrible words. That’s going to happen.

But how beautiful that we get this long amount of time, as parents, that we can create more positive memories than negative memories?

I remember my mom was at all of my games. I could hear her cheering, which was easy because I sat on the bench. But I could still hear her. I can remember my dad coming home and shooting hoops with me in the front yard or playing catch, and he wouldn’t even take off his suit.

Some days, when he had a bad day, you could tell. It was like, “Douglas, let me go change.” But I just have that memory of my dad coming home, getting out of the car, bam, catching the football, shooting hoops in his suit.

I remember vacations, driving across the country. I remember, as a little boy, going through Mississippi and wondering where Mr. Sippi was. And my mom just laughing so hard and the dog barking and I gave the dog a Lifesaver, because his breath was bad. He choked on it and threw up on my sister. I remember that stuff.

See, our lives are this museum and memories contribute to that museum. And every memory is like a frame in a film of one’s life. And I know for some of you, your museum is a little darker. That your museum has memories of pain and hurt and abuse. And, honestly, I am so, so sorry and I don’t pretend to understand your pain. But I do know that you can be the adult to stop that cycle and not pass that on to your kids, that I know you want a brighter future for them and you can redeem that, you can redeem this whole idea of family by creating these positive memories.

See, memories make up the foundation of who we are. If you were to take a scope through the entire Bible, you would see the “remember” word used a lot.

As a matter of fact, there are several memory builders. One called: The Sabbath. It’s a day to remember and to worship God, the Creator. The Sabbath.

There are the feasts, which were to remember that God is holy and He is a provider. There is communion. Why do we celebrate the Lord’s Supper? To remember what Jesus did on the cross for us. In the Old Testament, there were all these rocks and memorials to remember what God had done.

Take a look at Deuteronomy in the Old Testament, chapter 4, verse 9. It says, “Only be careful and watch yourself closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them,” grandparents. We are to create memories.

God is saying, That which is good, remember it. Not only remember it, infuse it and solidify it into your heart and your soul. So as a parent, building memories is not optional. You are building memories. The question is: Are they going to be positive memories or negative memories?

So when the frames of experience are all spliced together in one narrative, is it going to be a positive narrative or a negative narrative? Are your kids going to remember a mom who was a nag or a mom who was playful? A dad who wasn’t present or a dad who was playful? Are they going to remember their parents’ marriage as they always argued? Or are they going to remember their parents’ marriage that mom and dad were crazy about one another? Are they going to remember parents who yelled all the time or parents who laughed a lot?

See, there are going to be memories. Grandma, Grandpa, aunts, uncles. They are going to have memories of you too. Remember, your life intersects the life of other kids. Are they going to remember Grandpa the grouch? You’ve got plastic on all your furniture because you know they are coming over. You are more interested in Wheel of Fortune reruns than playing with them. No, you’ve got to make memories.

Let me go really practical. I put a bunch of these in your notes. The first, you just said, “Make up traditions.” If your kids are little, start now. What are the traditions in your home? What will your kids say, “Every birthday, we did this,” or, “Ever first day of school,” or, “last day of school,” or, “Sunday night was spaghetti night,” or, “Every holiday we did this. My dad would wake me up on Flag Day wearing a flag! Nothing else! Just a flag!” And it’s high potential for memory and therapy.

But traditions add to the flavor. I actually brought this to show you because this is something we do. My kids have been doing this since they were little. You go to a Chili’s or this is Outback. “You’ll go coconuts for our shrimp!” And we take these and we play mouthcatch with them. And we have contests, who can catch them. So you fling them across the table like that and the other person has to catch them in their mouth.

So it is really a simple game. You just go, “Ready? One, two, three.” And you, we don’t have that big of a table. But it’s not as easy as it sounds. We did it when we were little and you’re going, Fields, you are insane. Well, my kids did not grow up in a bland home. Okay?

My oldest is twenty-five and in a serious relationship. We were out to dinner a couple ago with her boyfriend at Outback. She’s the one who brought it up. “Dad, see how good John is.” “Okay, let’s go!” That’s what I mean by a tradition!

Then I put in your notes: “Capture memories.” Photos. Every photo has a story behind it. It is so easy now with everything, photos and videos being on your phone, that it ought to be happening all the time.

When our kids were growing up, we would have contests. I would just give them the camera and we would have photo contests at different places.

And the ones that were the most fun to them is when Cody, my son, took a picture of a guy on a beach with a Speedo. He thought that was so funny as, like, a seven-year-old. “I almost got, the guy is in a Speedo!” He had never seen a Speedo before. He’s in therapy.

But a cockroach on a hotel in Panama City Beach, Florida. People falling asleep on a train that we were on. We were taking pictures of them. That all tells the story. Capture those memories.

I put in there: “Prioritize vacations.” Because here in Orange County we think, There’s just never a good time to take a vacation. That’s true. So that’s why you’ve just got to get it on the calendar and say, “We are going.”

All family research, by the way, points back to vacations being the most, creating the most memories for kids. And it’s not where you go that they remember. It’s what you did with where you go.

Several years ago, I spent too much money taking my whole family to Maui. You know what my kids remember about going to Maui is, “Dad, remember when we bought fireworks?” Which were illegal there. “And we found that empty parking lot and we shot off fireworks? That’s what I remember!” That trip cost me thousands of dollars. I could have done that in Barstow and been an innovator. Okay? So prioritize vacations.

I put there: “Create adventures.” What are the adventures? For us, every spring break we take our kids to Mexico and work in an orphanage for those who are less privileged. Taking jackets to homeless people on Sunday nights. Going grunion hunting at midnight. If you don’t know what grunion hunting is, look it up. You can all do it at the beach.

If you have boys, anything that expresses intrigue or mystery or danger or automatic weapons. All that stuff. My son’s birthday, when he graduated high school, I had kids coming up to me going, “Mr. Fields, do you remember that time when we were at…” They all remembered me taking them…

I have some friends who live in Coto and at night we would sneak under the Coto Golf Course. And dressed in camouflage, face paint, we had a pillowcase and a flashlight. And you go golf ball hunting.

And it’s not going to make sense to you until you try it, but when you put your flashlight in a bush, all of sudden those balls just, the golf balls just light up like Easter egg hunts and we would walk out of there with hundreds of golf balls. So memorable. I think it’s illegal.

But here’s my point in all of this: Your kids would rather be in a beat up, broken Volkswagen van, headed toward adventure than a really nice Mercedes parked in the driveway. Okay? That’s my point.

How else you create memories, and start this as soon as you can, is start writing your kids letters. Write letters. Why? Because at some point, here’s what they are going to ask: “Does anybody love me? Does anybody even know I’m alive? There is tension in my life and stress and pressure and does anyone even care about me?” I just imagine them having a box full of letters from Mom or Dad or Grandma, Grandpa, aunt, uncle, coach, mentor, teacher. Here’s exhibit A. See, building memories is going to get you an A in parenting. And it is never too late to start.

I mentioned in the first message that my mom died a couple of years ago in hospice, right in the home. And as my mom was dying, she knew she was dying. She knew she had just weeks, if not days to live. What was interesting about her is that she never said during that time, as she was surrounded by her kids and her friends and just these sweet people who had invested in her life, never once said, “Hey, Doug, would you go to the attic and get me all my bowling trophies and just surround them? Could you wrap me up in all the quilts that I made? Could you bring me a Power Point presentation of my 401k and a pie chart?”

None of that. You know what? When Mom died it was photos, it was stories, it was memories. Everything summing up her life. So my point: Memories matter. And good parents make intentional memories. All kids need that.

Number eight: What all kids need in caring adults is they need consistent presence. Consistent presence. They way you spell “presence” is: T-I-M-E.

One of the major contributing factors to healthy kids, when you investigate their life, it’s present parents. That kids need your time.

And I realize it is very difficult to see tangible results when you give them time, especially when they are little. But presence is so crucial to their development. And I know there are some of you in here, you subscribe to the theory of quality time over quantity time.

And if that is you, if I could just tell you, you are wrong. Okay? You’re just wrong. You can argue with me all you want. When you get to heaven you’ll see I was right on this one. People who subscribe to quality over quantity, they either don’t understand parenting or they are just trying to ease the guilt of their own mistakes.

See, this idea of presence, it is a challenge to our priorities. It is always a challenge to our priorities, and if I’m honest, our selfishness. I have mentioned this a few times in this series, if you are a single parent, you are my hero. Okay? You are my hero. I honor you for working so hard to hold things together. I really do believe in God’s economy and His sovereignty, that He is going to bless you as a single parent and your kids are going to rise up and call you “blessed.”

But what kids won’t call “blessed” are not the parents who are working to survive, but the parents who are overworking to drive the nicer cars, to live in the better zip codes, to have all the toys to stroke their egos. And then blame the kids or the spouse. That, “I have to work so much to maintain this lifestyle.”

See, your kids would rather have your presence than your presents, with a “t.” Your money, your toys. Presence matters.

And this idea, again, of presence – this is very big to God. You guys, think about this. This whole playground that we call “earth” was brought into existence by God’s presence. Then God said, I love humanity so much and I want to restore humanity to me, God became present in the person of Jesus, the God-man.

Take a look – John 1:14. So the Word, we’re talking Jesus here, “The Word became human and made His home among us.” We can stop there. The Word became human and made His home among us.

Now, watch what happens, then. Because after Jesus rises from the dead and ascends to heaven, you read, and you move into the book of Acts. What do we have with presence? He gives us the presence of His Spirit. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Take a look at Ephesians 3, verse 16. “I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources, He will empower you with inner strength through His Spirit. Then Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust in Him.”

See, presence is big to God. And now that He has given us His unlimited resources, I, as the dad, I can become more present in my kids’ lives.
Presence is not about you just being around your kids, because a lot of people say, “Well, Doug, I work at home.” Well, that’s great, but the key question: Is that your body or your heart that’s around? That’s the major question.

Do your kids really believe that you are available? Because the issue is not presence. Here it is, and I put it in your notes, it is perceived presence. There’s a Harvard study that confirmed, and it’s so fascinating to me, the number one most common factor producing anger, hostility, and rage in kids is this: The perceived – key word, “perceived” – the perceived inaccessibility of one or both parents.

That’s a head snapper. Because you think anger, rage, and hostility would be something, contributed something more horrible – some type of abuse or poor discipline or not allowing your teenager to have a credit card or something like that.

But thousands of studies, here’s what it is: Perceived inaccessibility. What is something that I am doing for myself that is taking time away from my family?

Now, for some of us in here, we need to make some mid-course corrections, even with our careers. Because parenting is synonymous with sacrifice. You’re a parent, it’s about sacrifice. You sacrifice your comfort.

I have told you before that as my kids were growing up and I was coaching them in sports and my kids all had their friends over at our house or whatever I would go, “I don’t ever see your dad! How come your dad doesn’t come to your games.” “Oh, my dad doesn’t, he doesn’t like basketball.” That’s when I want to be a UFC fighter and punch somebody in the neck. Right here. Okay? I just want to find that dad.

You’re there for your kid. And, parents, I realize, some of you are already feeling guilty. I know, as parents, we can’t make everything. I know you can’t make everything. That’s why this point is consistent presence and not constant presence.

Okay? Consistent presence. So missing is the exception rather than the rule. Because your very presence is a sign of caring and connectedness. Just showing up, being there, watching, observing.

See, what they need from you, Mom and Dad, is not for you to be a coach, but for you to be a cheerleader. Okay? That’s what they need the most.

So when it comes to presence, parents, we have got to be present. And this one is going to bother some of you and that’s why I put it in your notes, because I want you to think about it. Is we have got to defeat the electronic dependency.

This right here, Mom and Dad? This is not being present. Oh yeah. Get off the phone and engage with them. See, our technological leashes, they maintain our availability to everybody else but they are hurting primary relationships. See, when you are able to connect to everyone all the time, you’re not connected to those who are most important.

Now, please understand me. I have a phone, I have Facebook, I have Twitter. I am not anti-electronics. I am not asking you to go buy a buggy and grow a beard and become Amish. Ladies, I am not asking you to run from appliances.

But there are times when you have got to be totally available to your family, to unplug from those devices. Because presence, here’s the bottom line, presence communicates this: You are really important to me. You are valuable. I care deeply about you. And you have got my presence.

All right. The ninth thing all kids need from caring adults are role models. Okay? Healthy kids have significant adults who have poured into their lives. Two types: You, the parent, as a role model. And second would be others as a role model.

Parents, you are a role model. Okay? You are a role model. The primary role model to your kids. The only time that changes is when you abandon your role, then culture moves in, and culture provides role models. But all research points to the fact that parents are primary role models.

Parents, my point is this: You have, there is identity theft happening in your home. Your kids are stealing your identity. So the question becomes: What does that identity look like?

A couple of biggies for parents, I would encourage you first is, I think, parents, we have got to be very careful that we model integrity. And to model integrity, you have to be a person of integrity.

All school studies point to the fact that cheating is on the rise. Is cheating on the rise because education is getting more difficult?

Kids possess the character of their parents. Integrity is a big deal, not only in our culture, it’s, again, it’s a big deal to God.

1 Chronicles 29, I love this verse. It says, “I know, my God, that You test the heart and You are pleased with integrity.” I love that verse. God knows your heart and You are pleased with integrity.

Now, parents, all of us, we are going to blow it with integrity. And here is my little tip to you: When you blow it, apologize. Just apologize to your kid. Well, why would I apologize? Because apologizing is an act of integrity. Your kids, they know you’re not perfect. You were wrong.

And I have had to apologize to my kids more than I want to admit. Okay? So when it comes to role models, you model integrity.

Second thing, parents, I want to encourage you to do is model your faith in Jesus. Model your faith in Jesus. Now, I realize not everyone here has a faith in Jesus. And I am thrilled that you are here if you don’t. This is a safe place for you to come and investigate who Jesus is and the ways of Jesus and what does He teach and what is all this about?

But for those of us who do have a faith in Jesus, your kids need to see that faith in action. The Bible is very clear that one of our roles as parents is to, what I call, pass on the baton of faith to our kids. Pass on the baton of faith.

Look at this verse in Deuteronomy 6. It says, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your heart. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home, when you walk along the road, when you lie down, and when you get up.”

You are passing it on all the time – morning, noon, and night. “Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.” So what am I to pass on? Well, look at what it says in the last verse: “Foreheads,” what do you mean, “foreheads?”

Forehead is a symbol of knowledge. So I am going to pass on the knowledge of the ways of Jesus. What about your hands? Hands is the symbol for action, faith. They need to see your faith in action. And let me be really clear. Your kids don’t need to see perfect parents.

There are no perfect parents. Parents, all perfect parents do is create, produce intimidation and create insecurity. What my kids need to see is a dad who is aligning his life, doing the best he can to align his life with the teachings of Jesus. To see a mom who loves Jesus and has a desire to follow Jesus. That’s what they need to see, not me to wear a label, “Christian.” I don’t even know what a Christian is anymore.

But for them to see a follower of Jesus who has placed his life or her life behind Jesus and walks with Him. That’s what I mean by modeling faith in Jesus.

Now, there’s another type of role model, and that is others as a role model. And all research points to the fact that healthy kids, and this is what is interesting, healthy kids, regardless of where they grew up – Cambodian refugee camps, the housing project slums in New York City, or to the middle-wealthy class in Orange County – they all, all those kids have role models, those who are healthy from those environments, role models, in addition to parents who are plugging away and loving on their kids.

And that’s why I love the Church body. That’s why this is so beautiful. There is just this army of people who are investing in one another’s lives. Lives impact other lives. The Church is a family, and families care for one another. And this is a place where people are trying to invest in your kids. I encourage you to take advantage of that.

Some of you who don’t have kids, you don’t have kids yet or you are grandparents – your kids are out. What if you thought, Hey, I could invest in other people and get involved here in the children’s ministry or the youth ministry or get mentoring. We need to come alongside one another.

There are single parents here who are so struggling. There are people waiting, they are just dying for somebody to come invest in their kids and be a mentor – big brother, big sister. Let’s do this as a community. So what do all kids need? They need role models.

Finally, what all kids need in caring adults is they need a peaceful home. Not a perfect home, but a peaceful home. And if your house is anything like mine, it might be chaotic. When my kids were in the teen years, we made our house a place where everybody could hang. There would be times where Cathy and I would come home to be met by complete strangers who were telling us we were out of Ding Dongs. Okay?

So we have a busy, kid-oriented house. But one of the things that Cathy and I always strive for, having just studied kids, is that we wanted a peaceful home. In the long run, will your kids describe your house as a place of peace?

Why peace? Because kids are in combat all day long. They are filled with painful battles. Battles with bullies, battles with pressure, battles with conformity, battles with body-image. And here’s the deal: If a kid knows that he can come home, ahhh, to a house that is safe, where he slides through the door and it’s almost like you just, Oh, I’m home! When they know that their home is a peaceful place, it helps them withstand some of the pressures and the stress and the comparisons and the put-downs and the temptations.

And, really, some of the things that I have been talking about in this series, I am defining what a peaceful home is. Where there is discipline, but not a lot of yelling. Where there are boundaries, but not a lot of rules. That’s peaceful. Where parents are welcoming to friends, encouraging words, affections.

Where the marriage at home is healthy, that provides a sense of peace for kids. A freedom of comparison from their siblings, a place where kids can be themselves and they don’t have to pretend. That’s all a peaceful home.

So how do we, as parents, how do we turn up the volume of peace? Here’s the only way I know how. How do you turn up the volume of peace in your house? You have got to experience peace for yourself first. You have got to experience God’s peace.

And let me go direct to you as we close out this series. Some of you are parenting to please other people. Some of you are parenting to look good and your kid’s performance makes you feel better about yourself. Mom or Dad, that is not a parent of peace. That’s a parent of insecurity.

And when you parent out of insecurity, you create an insecure and, actually, shame-filled home. If you want a peace-filled home, you have got to become a peace-filled person. And the biblical word for peace is absence of war. That’s what peace means. Absence of war.

It means that you are not at war with God, you’re not at war with others, and you’re not at war within yourself. And war may seem a little radical to you, like, a war with God. But the Bible teaches that I am, as a sinful person, I am at war. I am separated from a perfect and holy God. Okay?

God, in His love, reconciled us together. Take a look. Colossians 1:20, “And through Him, Jesus, God reconciled.” In your notes, circle that word. That’s: “Brought together.” God brought everything together to Himself. He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth by means of Christ’s blood on the cross. And now I don’t have to be at war.

Not only do I not have to be at war, I get the gift of His presence. Take a look at the next verse, Romans 8:6, “By letting the Holy Spirit control your mind, leads to life and peace.” So now you and I, with the presence of the Holy Spirit in our lives, we can be the initiator of peace in our home.

And if you have never settled that relationship with Jesus, I encourage you to. To lean into Jesus. Investigate Him, follow Him, look at what He teaches, and invite His love into your heart. See, your child needs a peaceful home. That peaceful home starts in your heart.

Our theme verse in this whole series has been Ephesians 5:1. It says, “Follow God’s example, therefore,” say it with me, “as dearly loved children.” And my point has been this: When your identity as a dearly loved child, when you go, Okay, that’s who I am, that’s how you parent.

When you know you are dearly loved by God, then you can dearly love others. When you are deeply loved by God and you know that and that becomes your identity, you can deeply love others.

Let’s close with this verse. In Luke 15 it says, “So he,” and I want you to put your name there. “So Doug,” “So Cathy,” “So Kyle,” “So Caroline,” “…returned home to his father and while he was still a long way off, his father,” this is God, “saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, kissed him. ‘We had to celebrate this happy day, for your brother was dead and has come back to life; he was lost but now he is found.’”

Can I tell you that God gets excited about you? You are His dearly loved child. That He runs to you, that He is a relentless pursuer of you, because He wants to invade you and transform you.

You want to be a better parent? I know you do! Well, quit running from His love. Let His love fill you deeply so you can deeply love others.