The 50/50 Lie

As I was thinking about the misbelief that we are going to cover, I think of a husband that I know, I’ve known him for over ten years, maybe a bit more, and of all the husbands I have ever known on the face of the Earth, I admire him the most. Not that I don’t have lots of friends that are great husbands and I admire and I want to learn from them. But this this guy has a very unique situation. I got to know him as I was pastoring here in the Silicon Valley.

He immediately got involved, his wife had an incredible prayer ministry and we didn’t spend a whole lot of time together but just, like, wow. And a little bit later they came, and said, “We’d like to talk to you about something.” And I thought, Ooh, what’s wrong? And He said, “My wife and I have been praying and thinking and, you know, this is a very large church, there are lots of leaders.

And, we got to know your son and my son had planted a church about five years earlier and it was on the other side of town real near where they live, and they got to know him. He had preached where I was preaching; he filled in for me a couple times. And He said, “Would you be offended if we would leave this church and go help him and help that church?” And I said, “Oh, apologize? Are you kidding? He needs people like you! Oh, this would be great.” Of course, they moved there and he and his wife have been just unbelievable the impact they had and became very, very close friends with my son.

And I don’t know all the details, but they were traveling and, on a vacation, and it was either some kind of food in a country or a sting of some kind of an insect. They're not a hundred percent sure, but during that time, for the first time ever, his wife had a seizure. I mean, a really, really violent seizure. And they thought, Oh, what happened? And they did all the kind of tests that you do and um and there's more seizures.

And what is worse is we don’t know why the seizures and they are becoming more violent. Then there’s more research and then there’s more testing and then there’s other medical facilities and then pretty soon it’s debilitating, and she can’t function. Now we are six years in. Uh its limited what he can do, it has impacted his work. He loves to volunteer and be a part of the church. It’s super limited. And the seizures continue and growing worse.

I’ve been tracking with him just the last uh week or so and another major surgery where they are implanting some things to try and stop these seizures. And all I can tell you is he has been faithful, he has loved her, and if he has complained, I’ve certainly never heard it.

All those verses about loving your wife the way Christ loved the Church I mean, if you could Google that, his face would come up. He’s positive, he cares for her, he has gone beyond all limits of what he could do with his finances, education, technology, medicine, sacrifice. And has this positive, encouraging, hopeful, I’m-going-to-be-there-for-her, we’re-in-this-together. And not pie in the sky but trusting God. He just refuses to lose hope.

And I share that because it’s a vivid, vivid contrast to what I think is one of the most common lies. I mean, the lie that I’m going to give you right now, it’s so deeply rooted in our psyches that as I shared this with a number of young couples, they kind of looked at each other like, “Well, how can this one be a lie?” Are you ready?

Lie number 6: Marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition. As long as everyone does their part, everything will be okay. Marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition. You do your part, I do my part, everything will be okay.

It may sound reasonable, it may be a good contract for two parties in business, but not marriage. The truth is marriage is a one hundred percent-one hundred percent proposition. It’s an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. Love is giving another person what they need the most when they deserve it the least at great, great personal cost. It’s not fifty-fifty. It’s a hundred-a hundred.

Over the years, that definition came to me as I studied the life of Jesus and I think of the passage where Jesus says, “A new commandment I give to you: love one another.” How? “As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this, everyone will know that you are My disciples if you love one another.” (John 13:34-35)

And so, I would just remind you, Yes, there’s a lie. Yes, there is truth. And, yes, there’s a verse. But it’s not just hearing that. I read that lie every morning and every night for months. And then I would say, “Stop,” after I read that out loud and then I would turn that card over and I would read the truth slowly and meditate on it. And then I would read that verse out loud.

And you know what happened? Over time, the Lord renewed my mind. In fact, what I have learned is He actually rewired some of the neurology inside my brain to get me thinking differently about what commitment is. It’s not fifty-fifty, it’s a hundred percent and a hundred percent.

I think of my wife and I thank God it’s not fifty-fifty. I moved her from her family in West Virginia and we left her parents and that was a huge step. And then we moved from Texas to Santa Cruz and I uprooted the family yet again. And then we moved from Santa Cruz to Atlanta and that was a terrible, terrible move, especially for her. And her mother had died and challenges were there. And then we moved back from Atlanta to Silicon Valley and each one of those moves was: I have to follow the call of God on my life. And each time, it was eighty percent sacrifice for Theresa and twenty percent for me.

There were seasons where I had to learn to be an immediate father to two little boys that biologically weren’t mine, and I didn’t have a clue. you know, it’s not like you start out with little babies and you figure it out. I mean, they’re four-and-a-half, now they’re six, now they’re eight and there’s a lot of issues. Some of you that have a blended family, you understand. There’s abandonment issues, there are connection issues, there’s am-I-ever-going-to-measure-up-as-a-dad issues, are-we-going-to-have-that-deep-connection issues? By God’s grace I got to adopt them. But that part was, that was a ninety and a ten percent her.

About fifteen, sixteen years ago, she got cancer. And they removed twenty-one lymph glands.

I found myself in a role that, I mean, she has been the glue of our family I didn’t know if I would have her. I lived every day not knowing and I drove her to Stanford and we went through all the treatments together and then we would go get a cup of coffee and sit in the car and split a cookie and talk about the great life that God had given us. And we have to hold it loosely and we don’t know will we have some more months? Will we have another year? Who knows?

And, cancel the book contract, let the church know I can do the weekends but nothing matters. Schedule? Doesn’t matter. Commitments? Doesn’t matter. Supposed to go overseas? Doesn’t matter. And I never regret that. I would never want it to happen again but it was precious. There's times where you’re going to need to be seventy, eighty, ninety percent for your mate because of things that are happening in their life.

For her, she had to learn to deal with some family issues that I had and my baggage and, I certainly had to learn that as we went and visited and dealt with issues in her family. Marriage is not, a fifty-fifty proposition. Marriage is a one hundred percent-proposition toward one another. It’s an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person for life. It is giving that other person what they need the most when they deserve it the least at great personal cost.

Which reminds me of a passage in Scripture that really changed my perspective. So much of life, is expectations. You might jot this down. I don’t know if you have memorized Scripture, but if you never have, this would be a good one. It’s Philippians chapter 1, verses 29 and the apostle Paul is in prison, doesn’t know whether he’s going to be executed or maybe get set free, a lot of things are up in the air.

And the Church is having some struggles and he says, “For it has been granted to you,” speaking to this little church that he loves in Philippi, “it has been granted to you not only to believe in Him but also to suffer for His sake.” I remember doing a little word study, “It has been granted to you,” the word “granted” there, it’s grace. In other words, it’s a gift. “It has been a gift given to you to not only believe, which brings eternal life and new life, but also to suffer for His sake.”

And to change your expectations that realize in life, suffering isn’t like something that might happen. It is going to happen and part of suffering is a gift. Certain things happen in your soul, in your relationships, in your sanctification that cannot happen and will not happen apart from suffering.

There’s certain aspects of intimacy in the most important relationships that will never happen apart from going through suffering together. Often in life and especially in marriage, we have skewed expectations.

Lie number seven about marriage, is this: Marriage shouldn’t be this difficult. No matter how hard I work at it, it seems like we always have issues to work through. I really wonder if it’s worth it. Have you been there? I have. It shouldn’t be this hard!

Theresa and I went through a book, by Norman Wright called Communication: Key to Your Marriage. And we made progress.

We read so many books together, we have been to so many seminars, we've learned so many little skills that we would practice like after dinner and going on a date and learning to take a walk and learning to lean forward and, for me, keep my mouth shut and make eye contact and listen to her. Hard work. At least it was for me, I’m sure it was for her.

The more I’ve gotten to know myself, my wife’s patience blows me away that she has put up with me and been patient with me. I have certain tendencies I realize that as she says, “Look, Chip, I just have come to realize you’re just over the top. And it’s part of what makes you you, it’s part of how God uses you, and it’s part of what makes me very frustrated in our marriage.” Marriage shouldn’t be this difficult. It shouldn’t be this hard. I have tried and tried and tried and I wonder if it’s worth it.

I had a friend, still a current friend, and he was a pro football player. Good guy and he was in that stage of marriage, small kids, lots of demands at work, lots of pressures. I mean, the perfect storm that every couple, by the way, goes through when you’re pulled this way, she is pulled that way, you have a few things you haven’t quite worked out, the kids are very demanding, all that happens.

And so, we’re playing golf. He says, “We need to play nine holes of golf and I need to talk to you.” And so, I listen. Like, hole number one, I listen. Hole number two, I listen. Hole number three, I listen. So, we get on the fourth hole. he just, puts his hands on his hips, he goes, “You know, I’m working really hard, I’m trying to be sacrificial,” And, you know, I’m doing this and I’m doing this and I’m doing that.” “It just shouldn’t be this hard.”

I said, “Do you remember two-a-day practices? in high school?” “Yeah. “Do you remember two-a-day practices in college?” “Oh, man alive, are you kidding me?” And he told me where he came from and how hot it was.

And, I said, “So, that was pretty hard, right?” “Oh man, unbelievable.” “But it was worth it, right?” “Yeah.” “I mean, you were college, star, you played pro football.” “Yeah.” So like, as a tight end when you make a good move and you cut and then you cross middle and the ball comes and you catch it and a linebacker, like, smacks you in the face, do you get up and say, ‘Boy, that’s not very nice.’” And he just laughed at me.

And I said, “I’m not sure you’re getting the picture but you were willing to endure the hardship of mornings and late nights and weight training and give yourself unreservedly and pay an incredible price to become a very great football player. And yet, for the most important person in your life that God has given you that will shape your life and her life and the life of your children and will be a testimony to all the people you know, you’re telling me ‘It’s just way too hard.’” And he just cracked this big smile and it was like, “Gotcha.”

Can I tell you all something? Marriage is hard. You’re married to an imperfect person. You're commanded to love them the way Jesus loves you. Impossible. Guess what, all of life is not about you being happy or you being fulfilled. I know they are on Hallmark, but that’s not life. If you think that every person and everything is going to make you happy and fulfilled and the moment it doesn’t, then you will get into that long line of people that you see at the grocery store, right?

Christie Brinkley has a new book out. And she goes, “Just, I have one regret.” “I’ve been married four times. I've just never been able to make a marriage work.” Or you look at some of the most famous people, think of some of the people that played in Friends Or my heart goes out to a J.Lo beautiful woman, super successful and, you know, it’s this guy then it’s the next guy then it’s the next guy and then it’s the next big wedding and the next big wedding.

See, if you believe that it shouldn’t be hard, when it gets hard, you just jump to the next person. And here’s the thing, the pain and the attachment and the scars of each and every relationship and I’m no expert, but believe me, I have studied a lot of psychology and I can tell you this with every broken relationship, there are scars. And there’s deep down issues in your heart that, “I don’t measure up.”

You can say it’s the other person and you can whine and you can blame and you can say all kind of things but when you go after serial, multiple relationships that don’t work, it brings a brokenness in your soul. You know how Jesus feels about people that have been through things like that? He weeps for them. He cares about them. He has a plan; it’s called marriage. He has some rules called fidelity, trust. He created marriage so that we could flourish, so we could be loved. And as the song says, we are looking for love in all the wrong places.

The truth is that everything of great value requires commitment, sacrifice, and perseverance. As my spouse and I face challenges and overcome them, our intimacy and joy will far outweigh our present problems.

Some of you just need to hear the last line: As we do – what? Persevere and overcome. Facing those hard challenges, over time, our intimacy and our joy will far outweigh our present problems. The verse is Galatians 6:9, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Please don’t give up. Here’s the deal: we all grow weary.

There's times when you just grow weary of, “We can’t have a baby.” You grow weary of you can’t get sleep because you do have a baby. You grow weary because, they are never going to be out of diapers. You grow weary because they are teenagers and you’re tired of arguing about phones and screen time and then you grow weary because they're leaving the nest and you’re all alone and you have to reimagine your future. And you grow weary because you get bored and you have drifted apart and you have to go back and really start working at some things that you have neglected over a period of time.

Don’t give up. Because it leads to the most devastating of all misbeliefs. It’s number eight. I have tried hard to make this marriage work, but it’s too far gone, God wants me to be happy, and I know He’ll understand if I get a divorce.

If I had a hundred dollars for every time I’ve heard that I’ll never forget I was on a radio call-in and I had written a book about relationships and a lady called in and she goes, “I’m so glad I got to talk to you. And I’m just so, so, so glad you took my call. And, you know, I listen to Living on the Edge, it’s just so, so wonderful. And, you know, I have talked to my pastor and he just doesn’t get it, so I want you to know that, I know I’ll hear from God from you. So, I’m not happy and I know God wants me to be happy. And I want to divorce my husband and my pastor says it’s not God’s will. Would you straighten him out?”

So, I asked a few questions, she had no grounds for biblical divorce, and she wasn’t happy. I said, “Ma’am, this is kind of embarrassing. There’s probably a lot of people listening and hopefully they don’t know your voice. God’s goal is not necessarily that you’re always happy If you can’t be happy with him, I’m going to guess you probably won’t be happy with anyone else either. You need to obey God, you need to keep your commitments, divorce is not the answer.” Click.

The truth is, God hates divorce and no marriage is beyond repair. If Jesus can raise the dead, He can certainly resurrect my marriage or yours. Malachi 2:16 says, “‘The man who hates and divorces his wife,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘does violence to the one he should protect,’ says the Lord Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.”

And some at this point will rationalize, “Well, Chip, you don’t understand. I don’t have biblical grounds but it’s not an intimate marriage, it’s not very fulfilling, and there’s conflict and the kids are aware of it. And certainly it’s better that our children live in a more positive environment than this marriage that is so unfulfilling.” You hear that all the time.

Well, researchers at The National Marriage Project have literally done the work and this is what the research says about that. When parents don’t get along, children are better off if their parents’ divorce than if they stay together. But a recent large-scale long-term study suggests otherwise. While it’s found that parents’ marital unhappiness and discord have a broad, negative impact on virtually every dimension of their children’s wellbeing, so does the fact of going through a divorce. In examining the negative impact on children more closely, the study discovered that it was only the children of very high-conflict or volatile homes where staying in the home was a challenge or a negative influence. In lower-conflict marriages that end in divorce, the situation of the children was made much worse following a divorce. Based on these finding and study, therefore, except in the minority of high-conflict marriages, it is better for the children if their parents stay together and work out their problems than if they divorce.

That’s not even the Bible. That’s just secular research. Stop making excuses, stop pretending, deal with your own issues. If you’re doing great and you know someone who is having a struggle, get this broadcast to them. And if you haven’t yet got the cards so you can renew your mind and start doing what I have done, my wife did, and so many people have done to reframe your brain, your future, and you’re thinking about marriage, let me encourage you, get these cards and get on board.