Who Does What?: God's Roles for Husbands and Wives

A number of years ago, I came across a book that sort of identified one of the most common frictions that I experienced in counseling couples. It was by a San Francisco psychologist Dr. Pierre Mornell. He named the book Passive Men, Wild Women. And so, I went ahead and Googled it and went on Amazon to find out what is a description of the book? I had read it, it was years ago. But listen to this.

This is Pierre Mornell’s classic study of modern relationships and why they break down so often. “Relationships just don’t work well when the man neglects to take the lead when he should, neglects to make decisions at home, and fails to be proactive in his involvement with his family.” The expression he uses is “wet noodle” to describe modern husbands.

He talked about high-powered men in the financial district of San Francisco who were taking the bull by the horns, leading major companies, but he found himself counseling their wives who said when the strong, dynamic leader who is building these businesses comes home, he’s passive. It’s like he’s not engaged. And, by the way, I think the wet noodle description might be a little too strong. My experience is that a lot of men come off passive because they really think they’re being like a servant leader. It’s such a common problem.

I had an opportunity as I've shared recently to help with some young adult Sunday school class. And we were going through a book that I wrote and sitting around the tables and talking with them. And as this came up, I asked, these young men. I said, “So, what's it look like to be active and proactive at home?” And, and the one guy said, “Well, I’m really trying to be a good Christian husband and so, we’re going to go out to eat. I’ll say, ‘Well, where do you want to go?’ Or we’re thinking about something for the kids and I think, she probably knows more than me so I’ll say, ‘Well, what do you think we should do?’”

And, I said, “Did you ever consider that when you ask all the questions that she ends up making all the decisions what she feels is all the weight and all the responsibility for the family?” And then one guy said, I think part of it, I’m trying to be a servant leader. And the other part is I don’t feel like I’ll make good decisions, I think she’ll probably know better, and when I’m really honest, if she’ll make them all then I don’t have to.”

And the misbelief that I want to identify here is this misbelief. And some of these I say in a way to give a little edge to them so that there’s something inside you that goes, Oh, boy, I don’t look at that that way. Misbelief number twelve is: Husbands are to earn the money and wives are to take care of the kids and the house.

In other words, there can be a misbelief as a man, and maybe you grew up this way or maybe you come out of a background where there was even some teaching you got this way. Look, I go out, I earn the money, I bring the money home, I provide for us. Your job, you take care of the house; you take care of the kids. So when I come home, I don’t have any responsibility.

Some of that may have been old school and worked in another day, but I’ve got news for you. If you want to have a very, very frustrated wife, not have much intimacy in your marriage, just keep believing that. Just keep believing that somehow all you need to do is earn the paycheck and you’re done.

The truth is this... as a husband, I am a servant leader in our home. I am responsible, listen carefully, to provide for and protect my family’s physical, spiritual, and emotional needs as I model Jesus every day.

Now, I understand that for some, you are passive and others it’s can I just be honest, with you fellas? It’s because you’re lazy. Lazy doesn’t mean that you’re, playing video games in the back room for four hours. My definition of lazy is failing to do what you need to do when it needs to be done.

In fact, discipline is doing what needs to be done when it needs to be done, especially when you don’t feel like it. Here's the deal: We, as men, need to understand provision is important, but we need to understand that we are to be a servant leader, not just in the financial provision, but in the spiritual leadership, in the emotional leadership, and that I'm to model Jesus each and every day.

Now, think of this, I really want you to ponder for just a minute. In Ephesians chapter 6, it talks about the role of men. In Ephesians chapter 5 it talks about the role of men. It says that I am supposed to lead the way Jesus leads. That whole issue about headship is way more about responsibility rather than authority.

Your job as the leader is to draw the best out of your wife to cherish her, to help the kids, to be the servant leader, to lead in a way where you’re responsible, where you think, The buck stops with me. Are my kids growing spiritually? I appreciate what my wife does. I’m really glad what they do at Sunday school. I’m thankful for a good church. It’s great that we have a youth group but guess what? The youth group is not going to stand before God for the spiritual development of my child. I am.

Ephesians 6 says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, but bring them up in the discipline and the nurture of the Lord.” The word “discipline” there means you shape your child’s behavior by actions. The word “nurture” means you do it by words.

So your actions and your words become guardrails and a pathway where you help your kids learn to love God, treat their mother with respect, honor one another, learn to be self-disciplined, learn to care about other people. See, that’s what it means to be the man of the house. That’s what it means to be a servant leader. And so, this misbelief that, “Hey, once I’ve done my job, brought in some money, I don’t have any responsibility. That is a recipe for disaster in your marriage.

I want you to ponder this passage, Ephesians 5, verses 1 and 2, “Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly beloved children, and walk in the way of love just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”

In other words, walking in love in your marriage, walking in love as a father in the family, it means you follow Christ’s example. Notice what it says, “As a dearly loved child.” Staying connected to the Father where you feel loved and affirmed. Jesus did His ministry, not to please His Father, He did it from the pleasure of His Father. Remember? He came out of that baptism water, “This is My beloved Son in whom I am well pleased.”

He understood how much God loved Him. God loves you. You need to understand you don’t earn your wife’s favor, you don’t earn your kids’ affirmation, you have God’s and so you can lead as a servant. And when you do, a lot of wonderful things happen. So, don’t buy the lie that you are just the money earner and when you have done that, your job is done.

Now, I’m imagining there’s probably some ladies right now, possibly driving in their minivan, taking a walk with your headphones on, and you’re saying to yourself, I just cannot wait to let my husband know he really needs to hear today’s message.

And you’re right, he probably does. And my confession is, believe me, I have had my moments of being a really passive husband. We all do that. I have had my moments of being lazy. I have had my moments where, man, I have killed it at work, I’ve been up from the wee hours of the morning, I have been in meetings all day, I had to travel, I’d come home. And, yes, in my flesh it’s like, “Theresa, could you just take care of everything for a little while?”

But ladies, I want to encourage you that half of the problem is passivity among men. But what I want you to know, there is a misbelief that women have as well. And it’s one of the reasons why husbands are not stepping up and leading their homes. And as I read it, here’s what I want you to do. I want you to ask yourself as a woman: are these some of my private thoughts? Just between you and yourself or maybe even you and God, are there times where this thought goes through your mind.

Lie number thirteen. “My husband is almost like another child I have to take care of. If I don’t handle our finances, the house, our children, and major decisions, this place would fall apart tomorrow.” Is that any of you?

Do you find, “Oh, the bills are coming due. Oh, school season is coming, What school should they be in? What about all their supplies? How much does it cost? Do you find yourself owning all the responsibility?” And seeing I’ve even heard women say this, “Maybe they’ve got two boys.”

And she’ll say, “Well, I have one daughter and three boys.” “I have two boys and then one husband I have to take care of as well.” In fact, I have heard couples calling the other person “mom” or “dad.” No, no, no, no. You are spouses. Kids get to call you mom or dad. You need to treat one another as peers and coheirs of the grace of God and as a man and a woman made for one another.

And what happens in relationships is men get passive and women begin to treat their husbands like one of the kids. I’m going to go and probe a little bit here so, this is for your good. I want to suggest that that misbelief says: I’m a victim. All the weight, all the responsibility is on me. And, yes, he does need to step up. But the question is this: Do you trust God enough to provide room for him to step up?

Let me put it this way, here’s the truth: When I, as a woman, take care of everything myself, I am actually usurping my husband’s God-given role. Until I stop taking care of everything, my husband will never step up and lead.

Now, I have had a lot of conversations with a lot of couples and this a hard one to digest. And here’s what it really boils down to. At the end of the day, can you trust God? You see, most of us, as men, we don’t really get moving until there’s a crisis. And most of you, as women, see the crisis coming way before we do. And so, you see it coming and you just take care of stuff.

How many of you, when you get up during the day and you look around and there’s clothes on the floor and they’re not yours, they’re your husband’s, you pick them up? How many of you, when there’s dishes laid out here or there and they were your husband’s you put them away? How many of you, when something isn’t done and he said he would do it and you think he’s probably not going to get around to it because there’s been a lot of times he didn’t get around to it. And you said it doesn’t have to get done until Thursday but let’s face it, right? It’s Wednesday late afternoon, you just went ahead and did it yourself.

Sound familiar? If you don’t step in, he’ll never step up. I’ve talked to a lot of husbands and I have had this conversation with couples where, I mean, the eyes are flaring at one another as, “Well, am I supposed to just let the bills go and let the electricity get turned off I’m not saying you need to be that extreme. But if things never drop, your husband will never wake up to the fact that his responsibility that he owns is never getting done.

And that’s a hard point. In fact, the passage I want to give you is, as wives, is this, because it really boils down to if you’re going to create room for your husbands, it means you’re going to have to trust God. The passage I have for you ladies is Proverbs 3:5 and 6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understandings. In all your ways, submit to Him and He will make your paths straight,” or literally, He will show you what to do.

Now, let me give you a couple positive ways to do this. One is refuse to do things that are his job and start out with little things. I think my wife learned early on that she could either be my wife or she could act like my mom. And let me just tell you something: when a woman acts like a man’s mom, just do the math in your mind about what that does to the intimacy of your relationship. I don’t think I need to say much more. My wife communicated very early on: I love you, I’m for you, you’re a grown-up, I’m going to treat you like the husband that I love and the man that I care about, not like your mother.

If I would happen to leave a towel on the floor, or sometimes, you know, I’m watching a ballgame and I’d take off my shoes and I stick my shoes, underneath the little coffee table and put my feet up. Maybe she goes to bed first and I finish that Warriors game, hoping Steph Curry is going to bring us through one more time, and then, I go to bed and I’m a little sleepy, I get up, I’ve got things going, and I go to work. I come back and, guess where my shoes are. They’re exactly where I left them. If I lay something on the floor, guess where they’re at, they’re exactly where I lay them.

You know, one of the saddest experiences I had was my father coming from an alcoholic background, my mom was this amazing person, but little did she recognize even though she was a counselor, she was such an enabler. My father became so passive that he couldn’t get dressed for work until she picked out his clothes.

This is an intelligent, really gifted, sharp guy who is admired by amazing people, who is an amazing athlete, And I have seen him in his skivvies growing up, in his t-shirt going, “I can’t get ready, because Marty hasn’t picked out my clothes.” Now, these are extreme and I’m giving you extreme examples because I want to shake some of you up to say, “Ladies, enable, enable, enable, enable you’ll emasculate your man.”

And the more that you do and the more he doesn’t do, it just reinforces it. It got to such an extreme, my mom and dad being schoolteachers were always in continuing education. And so, my mom was taking some classes.

And I’ll never forget, it was like four or five o’clock in the afternoon and she came in and, I mean, he was hot. “Marty, where have you been? What’s going on? I can’t believe it.” She goes, “Well, the class went late He said, “Well, I have not eaten all day.” And she said, “Why?” “Well, you weren’t here to fix it.” She walks over, opens the refrigerator, it’s full of food, and he had become so passive, so like, “I can’t do anything,” that he couldn’t pull something out of the refrigerator and feed himself.

And, there were a lot of times where growing up and not seeing him be a man and step up except for at work or in athletic things, I really had a bit of a critical attitude toward my father, a bit of resentment like, “Hey, come on, Dad. step up and be a real man.” And years later my mom died. I don’t believe I have been as sad at any moment, any week, any set of months ever in my life.

Super, super close to my mom. And I’ll never forget my father, he had finally gone back home, we had been through a very long time of, medicine then the funeral and in and out of Duke Hospital and it was really challenging. He finally got back home and got on his feet. And first time in about three or four weeks I heard some pep in his voice. And you may laugh but he said, “Yeah, I did something today I’ve never done. I haven’t done this in, over forty years.” I said, “What’s that?” He said, “I wrote a check.” I said, "You what?" “He said "I wrote a check.”

He was having to do some things he had not had to do in forty years. And he was coming alive. And by God’s grace, sometime later, he met a very godly woman and she was a widow and they married. She wouldn’t enable him. And so, he didn’t want to travel, he was afraid to do this or afraid to do that. She goes, “Oh, that’s fine. I'll be back in a week.” And it was like, “I guess I’ll get on a plane.”

All I’m saying is it’s a fine line, you need to pray carefully, but men, if you want to have a great marriage, you have to step up and own the responsibility. You don’t have to be good at it. And, ladies, if you want him to step up, can I give you a couple tools? My wife did this with me and looking back, it worked. Instead of being frustrated and feeling like you have one more child to take care of, ask for his help. Let him know that you need him. Every man is not lazy. If you feel inadequate and fearful and think you’re not going to do a good job, it's pretty easy to be passive.

I remember the beginning for us, it was just because of what I was doing and what she was doing, our kids were in a very, very poor educational system in Texas. And so, they would come home and they needed a lot of help with their homework. Theresa was doing that because she did it right after school before I got home and as they got a little bit older, some of the math was a little bit more complicated and she just felt overwhelmed, we were in counseling so I was learning to ask these three questions, like, you know, “What are you concerned about, what do you wish, what would you be willing to do or how can I help you?”

And so, she said, “I am overwhelmed with the kids’ homework. Is there any way you could help me, especially with the math and the science part?” Well, I’m good in those, my dad was a math and science teacher, I started doing their math and science homework when I got home. It couldn’t have been three days later, guys, you need to hear this. this is golden stuff for you right now. She comes up to me in the hallway and says something like, when you help the kids and take care of the math and the science, I just feel like you have taken the weight of the world off my shoulders.” You know how that made me feel? Man, I’m a real man, right?

I'm stepping up. I was stepping up in an area that I knew. And ladies, even in some things that are a struggle and they have been an argument before, instead of being resentful, try this, “Honey, I know right now that, we have limited finances and, we have a lot of bills and there are a lot of challenges right now. And I just have to tell you, I just don’t think I can do this on my own. I need your help.”

Even if we sit down together and, write out the bills together or I put them in a notebook and we meet together to do that, I just don’t think I can do this without you.” The fact of the matter, you’ve been doing it by yourself and being resentful. That was another area for me that it was, that wasn’t a big deal. And my wife came to me and I was unaware that she was feeling pressure about our finances.

I think it was about forty-four years ago, we started to practice it, we still do. Every two weeks we have a folder, every bill that comes in goes in on one side, every two weeks I get a paycheck, we sit down, we open the folder, I take the little checks or we have the computer open so we do some of them online. And we walk through together and pay every bill, we know how much savings we have, we start with where we are going to give, make decisions about that.

And we have been on the same page for forty-four years. But we do it together because she came and said, “I am not going to take the responsibility for all the areas in our family and our relationship that you either never did or didn’t see your father do or feel inadequate or just have fears about it. And if you all can break the cycle of passive men that make women wild, I am telling you, you will thank God for the day that you walked down the path to say, “Men, step up. Ladies, step in.” Let him lead.