Forgiving - How to Restore Your Peace, Part 1

As we get started, I’m going to ask you to answer a question, not out loud for sure on this one, but I want you to think honestly and very deeply: what is something in your past or in your present that you’re ashamed of? We all have some things like that.

We have shame for three major reasons, according to the experts. One is a theological reason is we all have shame. The fall. Remember? After sin, what did Adam do? What did Adam and Eve do? They hid.

But it gets worse, because it’s not just shame that we inherit from the fall, but it’s shame from things done to us.

And isn’t it a weird thing, over and over and over, you can tell kids forever that, “Oh, it’s not your fault.” Kids who go through divorce blame themselves. Women and children that are abused blame themselves. People that are rejected unfairly have shame.

And then there’s the third level of shame. It’s things that we do. The affair, the addiction, the explosive anger, the cheating. When you’re the abuser, crime, jail, prison. The abortion. The list can go on.

There are about three natural responses. Response number one is to hide. Response number two is to numb the pain. And the other is to compensate. I’ll prove to myself and to others somehow. And it can come out in workaholism or someway that you’re going to prove and somehow balance the scales and do good for all the things that are hidden inside.

And, yet, here’s what I want to tell you. It’s one thing to be forgiven and I think most of you, I pray all of you, have come to the point where whatever you have done and whatever you have recognized, you have come to a living God and said, I know I don’t measure up. I want to trust fully in what Christ did on the cross for me and He paid for my sin and I have received that free gift and I have invited Him into my life.

But there’s a difference between being forgiven and being restored. There’s a lot of people who have been legally forgiven, your sins are forgiven, but you live as a second-class citizen or you’re numbing yourself. Or you have big walls between you and your mate and other people.

And it’s not an accident that when you read John chapter 21, Peter shortly, the day of the resurrection, Jesus did a quick one-on-one with him. And he walked in a room with Peter and disciples there and I’m sure He looked Peter in the eye, “Yes, you betrayed Me, you did it publicly, you were arrogant.” I think he got forgiveness, but he didn’t get restoration. He had this, “Oh, I understand this up here, but my life is a mess. I don’t know what to do with my life. I don’t think I’ve got anything going for me anymore.” His shame was never dealt with.

And in John chapter 21, Jesus sets up a unique situation to help Peter go from being simply forgiven to be restored, because here’s the thing. You can’t forgive and connect with other people unless you forgive and get restored yourself.

So, open your Bibles to John chapter 21. And as you do, let me give you the context. Jesus has appeared now twice officially to all the disciples. They were commanded to go wait for Him in Galilee. Think about it. It’s familiar, it’s safe, it’s the home to a number of the disciples. It’s where many of them were called, it’s where they were called into ministry to follow Jesus.

Peter, like many of us, is not very good at waiting. We know from Luke 24 that he has had an encounter with Jesus and I can’t imagine Jesus not forgiving him in that moment. But he is still the leader because he decides that, “You know what? I don’t know what to do with my life, so I’m going to, this is what we all do. I am going to default back to what I know.” Under pressure, we all default back to where we’re comfortable and what we know.

So he basically says, “I’m going to go fishing.” And the six other guys, “Well, if you’re going, I guess we’ll go with you.” We pick up the story. John 21. “Afterward Jesus appeared to them again, to His disciples, by the Sea of Tiberias,” that’s Galilee.

“It happened in this way: Simon Peter, Thomas (called Didymus), Nathanael from Cana in Galilee, the sons of Zebedee,” James and John, “and two other disciples were together. ‘I’m going to go out and fish,’ Simon Peter told them, and they said, ‘We’ll go with you.’ So they went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing. Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Him. He called out to them, ‘Friends, have you any fish?’” Literally, the word is lads or children. It’s a term of affection by someone a bit older and a bit wiser.

“‘No,’ they answered. He said, ‘Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some.’ When they did, they were unable to haul in the net because of the large number of fish. Then the disciple whom Jesus loved,” it’s John, “said to Peter, ‘It is the Lord!’ And as soon as Peter heard him say, ‘It is the Lord,’ he wrapped his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and he jumped into the water. And the other disciples followed in the boat, pulling the full net of fish, for they were not far from the shore, about a hundred yards. When they landed, they saw a fire of burning coals with fish on it, and some bread.

“Jesus said to them, ‘Bring some of the fish that you have caught.’ Simon Peter climbed aboard and dragged the net ashore. It was full of large fish, 153, but even with so many the net did not break. Jesus said to them, ‘Come and have breakfast.’ None of the disciples dared to ask Him, ‘Who are You?’ for they knew it was the Lord. Jesus came, took the bread, gave it to them, did the same with the fish. This is now the third time Jesus appeared to His disciples after He had been raised from the dead.”

Now, notice, first of all, Peter has gone back to where he is comfortable, dealing with life the only way he knows how. Jesus picks an opportune time and He is going to have a conversation. Notice the conversation doesn’t start with, “Hey, let’s go deep right now.”

And, by the way, this isn’t a little betrayal. Remember, this is the guy, in front of his buddies, “Hey, they all might desert you, not me.”

Except instead of, instead of betrayal, what’s He doing? “Come and have breakfast. I’m for you.” All the fear, all the arms crossed, all the sense of shame. “You don’t measure up. You’re a loser! How could you betray Me?” It’s not that. It’s, “Let’s eat some fish.” There’s conversation.

And long before there were experts or psychologists, Jesus is walking him back through the very journey, but this time it’s with grace. This time, it’s with, “I understand. This time, yes, you’re fallen. Yes, you betrayed Me. And, yes, I love you. And it doesn’t define you.”

But He doesn’t stop there, because it’s not enough to relive the experience. Psychologists can do that with us; only God can do what happens next. “When they finished eating, Jesus said to Peter, ‘Simon son of John, do you truly love Me more than these?’ ‘Yes, Lord,’ he said, ‘You know I love You.’ ‘Feed My lambs.’ Again Jesus said, ‘Simon son of John, do you truly love Me?’ And he answered, ‘Yes, Lord, You know I love You.’ And Jesus said, ‘Take care of My sheep.’ The third time He said to him, ‘Simon son of John, do you love Me?’ And Peter was hurt because He asked him a third time, ‘Do you love Me?’ And he said, ‘Lord, You know all things; You know that I love You.’ And Jesus said, ‘Feed My sheep.’”

And then He goes on to tell him then, “‘I tell you the truth that when you were younger you dressed yourself, you went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.’ And Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death in which Peter would glorify God.”

Then don’t miss the next line, “Then He said to him, ‘Follow Me!’” Remember the last time He said, “Follow Me!”? Peter, you’re back on the team. And then how many times did he deny Him? How many questions does he get?

You think it’s accidental? Now, scholars will tell you, and many of you probably heard messages. It’s interesting the first two times He says, “Do you agape Me? Do you agape Me?” Unconditional, full-court press, love Me unconditionally? And Peter answers, “You know the facts. I love You.” “Do you love Me?” And, you know, the way you claim to be agape?” Peter answers, “You know the facts.” Then finally, Jesus changes it. “Do you phileo Me?” Do you love Me like family? When you love like family, you mess up in families, don’t you? Families are where it’s safe to mess up. Families are where we accept that one another are human.

He says, “Do you love Me like a brother?” And like brothers and sisters and families, we are going to give it our best shot and there are going to be times where we let one another down, but when we do, as family, you come and you own your stuff and you say, “I’m so sorry.” And it’s not an end to it.

And Peter, interestingly, changes. And he says, “You know,” ginosko, “by way of experience.” You look into my heart, You know my journey.

And so, his first assignment is, “I want you, because of what you have now experienced, I want you to be vulnerable and tender with people that are vulnerable, lambs. I want you to feed them.”

Second time, “I want you to take care of My sheep.” It’s leadership. “I want you to be responsible.” And then, finally, “I want you to feed My sheep. I want you to be the kind of leader that I called you in the very beginning and that these six men that around this fire are looking at you to be. And I want you to follow Me with your head up, because you’re not only forgiven, you’re restored.”

And that broken betrayer had to relive his moment, the worst moment of his life. But he received both truth and grace. And it brought healing inside. And that’s what some of you need.

Notice in your notes, the principles. Three principles flow out of this passage for us.

The first one is Jesus meets us where we are.

Second thing that comes out of this passage is He gently demands that we face the truth about ourselves. Did you notice He was as gentle and He had a meal and He reminded him, but did you notice, it wasn’t words of condemnation, they were questions of discovery.

The third principle that comes out of this is that he affirms, Jesus affirms our value and our worthiness by commissioning us to service. It’s one thing to hear words, it’s, “I want to use you.” He wants to use you. Your horrendous difficulty, experience, betrayal, sin, a lie that you committed, a crime that no one knows about.

I always wish sometimes, especially in church, when people, they look so cleaned up on the outside. And I get to know them all through the week and I would just love, like, their top five sins without their names – have this huge board behind me and, tchoo, and all of our sins go up in multi-colors. Wouldn’t that be cool?

And then maybe have, you know how they do those visuals? Or maybe red would come over and it would be the blood of Christ and the cross would emerge. And it would just go down through and cover them. And then we would look at each other and say, “I guess we don’t have to pretend anymore. I guess we can just be ourselves. I guess we are all now saints, children of God, forgiven with wounds and scars and pain and difficulty and brokenness.”

And what if God actually causes His power to be perfected out of our brokenness and out of our hurt and out of our failure? Because that’s where He takes us and puts us on the mantel of His grace.

Practical implications, and this gets to your marriage is that you can’t forgive your mate until you have received both forgiveness and restoration. There’s something, I don’t know, about the human psyche, when you got unresolved issues in you, when it’s the classic parable, the log in your eye, the speck, right? Man, it is amazing, when we have stuff inside, it is so easy to see in someone else and the person that lives close to you, right? You nag and she does that and he does that and he’s like that. A lot of our anger and a lot of that outward focus is because of the big log that we don’t deal with.

And you would be shocked at what would happen if you received both God’s forgiveness and His restoration of how that would allow you…remember what Jesus said to the disciples? “Freely you have received, freely give.”

But, see, if you haven’t deeply and fully received, you are pretty judgmental. You’re pretty high on the truth and the judgmental instead of the mercy. I don’t know if you pray the Lord’s Prayer, I pray often, when I wake up I kind of go through Psalm 23 before I get out of bed and I ponder what that is. And then I, phrase by phrase, often as I lay there, because I want to before I get bombarded and email or thoughts or problems I want to, “Our Father,” God, You’re my Father today. You’re in heaven, You’re a sovereign God. “Holy,” God, I want Your name to be cherished in my mind and my thoughts. “Give me this day,” what I need. Not just physically, but the daily bread of truth and everything.

“Forgive me of my sins,” please today, “as I forgive those who have trespassed against me.” Lord, please, You know the meetings, You know the places. Guard me and lead me away from temptation. And I pray through that. But what’s one of the big prayers?

You’re going to forgive as you have been forgiven. For some of you, the reason you are so critical and you can’t resolve conflict in your marriage is you’ve got stuff. You are holding on to all kinds of stuff.

You must learn to receive and grant forgiveness as a regular rhythm of your life.

And if you’ll turn on the back of your notes, I want to give you a tool. Ephesians 4:32. You’ll need to look that up. I highly encourage you to memorize it. “But be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another also, just as Christ forgave you.” Be kind. Here’s the key. Tenderhearted. Forgiving each other – how? Just as Christ has forgiven you. You know how He forgave you? Exactly the same way He forgave Peter. And until that happens, you will not release and forgive your mate.

Dealing with your own guilt and shame, under practical steps number four, it says, “What do you need to do to fully forgive your mate and put the past behind you?” You can write this under here, is, deal with your own guilt and shame. I don’t know what that looks like, and it might be a tough journey. It many cases, it will require some professional help.

Second is experience God’s forgiveness and restoration. Only you know where you’re at on that.

And then as you do that, freely give what you have received. The reason I don’t want to forgive my wife or anyone is I feel like if I forgive them, I’m letting them off the hook, and I want them to pay for what they did to me.

At the heart of the lack of forgiveness is vengeance. And God says, “‘Vengeance is Mine; I will repay,’ says the Lord. ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him a drink. Do not be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good.” That’s the end of Romans 12.

And when you can realize, Oh, ask, Has God given you what you deserve? And you think, Oh no. He has been merciful. Then you can’t turn around and do anything but give mercy, first to your mate and others what they don’t deserve.