Resolving Conflict Peaceably, Part 2

Our text is Colossians chapter 3 verses 12 through 17. “So, as those who have been chosen by God, holy and beloved,” that’s who we are, “we are putting on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bearing with one another and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; forgiving one another, just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. And beyond all these things, put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts to which you have been called into one body; and be thankful.”

The command is, here’s the command, it’s really simple. We are to deal with our mates as Christ has dealt with us and deals with us. Okay? That’s the issue. If you get nothing else, what would that look like if you would say, “There’s a conflict, there’s a disagreement, I’m angry, I’m bitter, I’m resentful. Why did she do that again? I can’t believe he did that. We have talked about it a hundred times.” And when you come together, your one goal is, “I want to treat him,” or, “I want to treat her the way Christ treats me.”

It doesn’t mean you’re not going to have conflict, but I’ll guarantee if you bear with one another, if you forgive one another; if you, beyond all these things, put on love; and if you let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, it’ll come out a lot differently.

Turn the page, if you will, and I want to give you this picture before I walk through a little acronym that has helped me. I have a – Jim Burns is a good friend and he’s a marriage and family therapist and speaker.

Well, here’s the acronym. The “D” is for: Define the problem on your own. Define the problem on your own.

Proverbs 15:4 says, “The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly.”

The “I” is for: Initiate a time to talk. And then focus on the perceived problem.

The second “F” is for: Feel their pain as though it were your own. Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother,” or a spouse or a mate, “was born for adversity.”

One of the tools, if you will, is using a word picture or a metaphor. Sometimes, remember when Nathan – I don’t know how much you all know the Bible. I didn’t grow up reading the Bible, but David was this really great king and he commits adultery with this guy’s wife.
And then she gets pregnant and the story is pretty quick. So, he wants to cover it up, so he has her husband come back off the battlefield, gets him drunk, and sends him home to sleep with his wife so when the baby comes, he thinks it’s his. And he is so honorable he says, “Man, I’m not sleeping with my wife with all the other men are out in the battlefield.” And he tries to get it going two or three different days. It doesn’t work.

And so, he sends him back with a note, “Put the guy on the front lines; make sure he gets killed.” Not exactly a godly king moment.

So, it’s about a year. And the – not quite a year – the prophet Nathan comes. And that’s a culture where, you confront the king? Like, death is a very high probability. And so, sometimes the way to help someone understand something where you know they are going to be defensive is by a story or a metaphor.

And so, Nathan comes and he goes, “Oh, king, I have to tell you this great story and it’s so sad.” And, “Well, what is it?” And he goes, “It’s happening in your kingdom of all places.” “Well, what is it?” He goes, “There’s a man and he has hundred and hundreds of sheep and he’s very wealthy and a visitor came,” and hospitality was sort of a given. You had to feed someone if they stopped in.

And he said, “This man, instead of his sheep, there was one man, he had one tiny little lamb. And it was not just a little lamb, but it slept with him and it was like his pet. And it was his friend. And this rich man who had hundreds and hundreds of sheep, he took that man’s lamb and he butchered it for his guest.” And David was livid. “This man shall pay for it.”

And then Nathan says, “Behold, you are the man.” And, see, what he helped him see was the same thing in a different place.

And so, I won’t go into the whole story, but it was another area where my work was consuming me and I was neglecting things in our home. And I can still remember sitting in front of the fireplace and my wife told me this story. And she goes, “I want to talk about something,” but she, “but you’ll get defensive.” “No, no, I won’t.” “No, you will. You’ll get really defensive. I mean, I’m not supposed to say ‘always’ but you often do, okay?” “No, no, I promise I won’t be defensive right now.”

So, she is really setting me up. And then she asked me these questions like, “You know, Chip, when we were driving by the church and it was, I just noticed you commented on the grass and you commented, ‘Wow, that needs painted over there.’ And the remodeling in the back. And you just seemed to notice everything.” She goes, “Boy, it’s really amazing to me, I just think you’re such a good boss.” “Eh, nah. I think you’re right!”

“You know, down to the detail.” And then she said, “Chip, did you know that our dishwasher, when I run it, I put a towel under it because it has been broken for months, so it leaks? And that in the boys’ window and in Annie’s window, when it rains, the water comes in because we have a leak, so I put towels there. And I don’t know if you have noticed, but when you walk by our couch, if you have ever scratched your leg, there’s a spring that is sticking out. And the, I don’t think you really notice, but we did have a dog for a while and the other things and there’s, like, the carpet is soiled everywhere. I was just – I feel like that you see what really needs to be taken care of at work, but you don’t see what needs to be taken care of here. And I know it’s not true, but it feels like your work matters more than our home. And you are in charge of your work, and I’m in charge of our home. And I know this isn’t true, but it makes me feel like you don’t care about me then.” Man, if she keeps doing this, I’m going to just, you know…

Two days later, I’ve got a buddy, I’ve got a friend who was like, okay, you ready? Man, we cleaned all the carpets, I called another buddy, I said, “Man, I don’t think I really have the money,” but, you know, we are replacing the windows, we’ve got the windows done.

Because what happened it was like, “Oh! She’s right! Now, by the way, I’m sharing more of her side of it and I have had a few of my “I feel” messages. And I’ll share a couple of those.

But are you starting to see the power? But are you starting to see that this is what it looks like to bear with one another. This is what it looks like to forgive anyone who has a complaint against you. This is what it looks like to treat your mate the way Jesus treats you. I mean, when you sin, you don’t get hit by lightning, do you? Holy Spirit, very sensitive, very clear, very specific.

The “U” is: Uncover the root problem. Proverbs 20, verse 5 says, “The purposes in a man’s heart are like deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.” There are deep issues. The root problems, if they aren’t dealt with, will just surface again and again and again.

And I put a little chart here, and this is much more for another day. But in general, if the symptom is money, you are arguing about money, usually the root problem has to do with values, priorities, power, and control issues.

So, you can argue about money until Jesus comes, but the issue is you don’t share the same values. Or there’s someone that has got some control issues. Or your priorities are really different. One of you thinks, “Wow, I mean, don’t the kids need new shoes? And don’t we need to do this? And don’t we need to do that?” And someone else thinks, “Gosh, don’t, shouldn’t we go to more movies?” I don’t know.

One says, “We need to watch every penny and keep track of it,” and the other just sort of – in most marriages there’s a spender and a saver. Why we marry each other, I don’t know why.

If there are sex problems, it’s usually a communication issue, an unmet emotional need, past history, baggage. A lot of times, as we worked through those issues with my wife, it was like, man, I just don’t get it, but I fail to understand what it’s like to be rejected by your father and then be rejected by another man. And her love me very, very much and have struggles in areas in the early years, sexually, because all men were painted with this bad brush.

And it was just like, you talk about rejection. So, those were my “I feel” messages. “Honey, I feel like you don’t love me when I want to be with you and you’re not very responsive. I just feel rejected. And you say it’s not me, it’s not about me. Well, I’m the only other person in the room, right?”

But, okay, are you ready? I’ve got news for you, there are couples that they get stuck there and that’s the way it is. And she perfunctorily will have some sex, because she doesn’t like it. Or, by the way, it goes the other way. It can happen just the opposite. I had a couple in our church, beautiful gal, and really, it was deep insecurity issues with him and all kinds of issues and he struggled and it didn’t have anything to do with her. But I’ll tell you this, they were never going to get that solved by themselves.

In-law issues, usually have to do with loyalty expectations. And children and work usually it’s roles and goals. Who owns what? What are our goals? How are we going to get there? But those are, I mean, those are just generalizations. Those are deep wells. But the majority of couples, they are all on the left side.

My prediction, if you get married, by about twenty-five years, you’ll have every one of those at some point. Every one of them. So, why be embarrassed to get some help or go to a counselor? Because every single person.

Now, the people who don’t do anything about it, what they do is they do what we call the parallel life track. Live in the same home, have these deep unresolved issues, do the best you can. While the kids are young, stay involved in the kids – usually as a woman. Do some things at work. And then when the empty nest is, the two most common times of divorce are the first five years and right about twenty or twenty-two when the nest is empty. Because what you realize, you don’t have anything that pulls you together anymore.

You didn’t develop your relationship. You didn’t deal with issues. And it’s never too late. It’s never too late. In fact, it can be very, very exciting.

The “S” is for: Set things right between you. James 5:16 says, “Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man,” or a righteous woman, I’ll add, “is powerful and effective.”

And this is where humility comes. I mean, it took us a long time, but it’s just, own your responsibility. I mean, yes, you feel defensive and there’s this and there’s that. But little by little, when you, since you’re chosen, since you’re already holy and set apart, and since you’re already dearly loved, you know what you can say? “You’re right. I’m wrong. You ask for forgiveness. And I pushed this a bit, and look the person in the eye, “Will you forgive me?” And don’t settle for, “Yeah, you know, yeah, hey, it’s okay. It wasn’t that big a deal.” No, no, no. That’s not how we do this. “Will you forgive me?” And what you need is, “Yes, I will. I release you for what you did or what you said.” And then, if at all possible, pray together, and out loud, if possible. It’s so healing.

And then “E” is: Establish a specific action plan that addresses the issue discussed and write it down. I know this sounds perfunctory, but can I ask you a question? How is your plan that you don’t have working? Just a thought!

You can be in a meeting and go, “Oh! Admiral or General, I think that’s a terrible plan.” “Well, what’s yours?” The General of the universe says, this is, at least my best understanding from Scripture: This is how to bear with one another. This is how to forgive one another. This is how to, whatever complaint you have, this is how to attack the problem and not the person. This is how to come together and let God be the umpire and let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts. This is how to, beyond all things, put on love, because you all coming together, getting the relationship right, is ten times more important than who is right.

And so, that’s how you diffuse conflict and that’s a pretty step-by-step process to do it. And the last part of that action plan is I, as a husband, “I will do this,” and I have my wife, she writes down, “I will commit to this,” by when. And then here’s the key, “The next time we’ll meet and talk about this is…”

By the way, some of you just need some rhythms. And we didn’t have any money most all the years growing up, but every Friday, because I taught on Saturday and Sunday, every Friday was my day off. And every Friday I dropped the kids off and I had a date with my wife. It was a breakfast date. And she knew that from breakfast to lunch or beyond, we were going to spend that time together. And, yes, we would eat. We’d take a walk. We would have some fun.

But we had a time where she knew, even if stuff bothered her, we are only six and a half days away from an honest, good talk. If the only time you sit down to have a good talk is when you have junk, pretty soon it’s not very fun.

And so, we would have a couple, three of these fifteen-minute conferences where we are sharing things. And then we had one big time and then Friday we would have a little family night. And we just created a rhythm so the accounts were short.

And you know what? I told you about my dad. I told you about I grew up in an alcoholic home. I told you that I married a woman from an alcoholic home, from a very dysfunctional past, and we’re a blended family, and we didn’t know what we were doing, and we have had lots of problems.

I would like to announce that I am married to one of the most amazing people in the world, that I have a deep, deep relationship with Spiritual connection, emotional connection, and physical connection.

Our kids are very, very imperfect, but very realistic, and have followed Jesus, determined to marry people that were like-minded, and are in the process of raising their kids where God is the umpire. All I just want you to know is God can take the most dysfunctional, difficult situations and He can restore. I mean, if He can do it for us, my oh, you all have issues, but I understand them.

They didn’t call my wife’s PTSD, but it was. Trauma, trauma, trauma. She needed someone to hang in there with her when he didn’t want to, and when he didn’t understand, and when he felt helpless, but just to be available. And I needed to know that when I made that commitment to Jesus, that He said He would give me whatever I needed, to give her whatever she needed for as long until death do us part.

And one of the things that happens when you say, “Until death do us part,” and really mean it, then there’s option A and option A. And option A is: How in the world are we going to figure this out, because we are not going to give up.

We were in desperate need. But God said, “Draw near to Me, I’ll draw near to you.” All the resources you need to have the marriage that you desire are available.

And there’s a God on the sidelines, or maybe in the center, I’m not sure where in your life, who says, “If you will give Me a chance, and if you will let Me direct, it won’t always feel good, but, yes, you’ll end up happy, but your marriage relationship is the most vivid picture along with the Church that I left the world so they know I’m real. So please don’t let Me down.” Please show the world what Jesus loving the Church and the Church loving Jesus looks like by your relationship.