Words That Wound, Truth That Heals

Did you ever wonder why just a little comment can cause such a big argument? Your spouse says some little thing or you say some little thing and all of a sudden you find yourself like, Whoa, where did that reaction come from and for the life of you it was like, I can’t figure out what happened here. This is nuts. I mean, I didn’t say anything that should be offensive. And as we look at misbelief number fourteen and number fifteen, I want to give you maybe some insight that will be really, really helpful. I want to talk first to you women.

Misbelief number fourteen is: My husband’s attitude makes no sense to me. He gets so upset when I make even the smallest comment in front of others about something he did wrong. We have all been here.

You and another couple are going to a restaurant or maybe you’re going to a concert. And it’s a really big parking lot you were sitting in the front seat with your husband and you are driving around and he’s surveying the parking lot doing what men do, looking for a spot. Now, in his mind, there’s a lot of issues about this spot that he’s not saying. One of the issues is he doesn’t want to be too close because this is a fairly new car and he doesn’t want to get bumped. Another is he’s thinking ahead thinking, You know what, man, there’s a lot of people here. I don’t want to be stuck for an hour getting out of here.

So, he’s wandering in places that you don’t understand and first once and then twice then, like, three times, “Oh, oh, oh, oh, dear, dear, right here, right here. Park here, park here, park here.” And he kind of glances at the back seat and then he drives a little bit farther. “Oh, didn’t you see that one? Look, quick. That other car is going to get it. If you go to the other side and you go turn…”

And then you get a look from him that is a little stronger than if there wasn’t another couple he might say something he’d regret. So, you keep driving and, and then he eventually parks the car, you all get out, you begin walking toward the restaurant or the concert, and being the perceptive wife that you are, you recognize that there might be something wrong.

And you turn to him as you’re walking, because he looks very silent, his body language has stiffened, you sort of reach out to hold his hand and he makes it evident that he doesn’t want to hold your hand. And you’re thinking, "Wait a second, this was supposed to be a date. These are with our really good friends. This is one of our favorite restaurants or this is a concert we’ve all been waiting to go to. And what is with him?" And you can’t get it out of him. And he’s cold most of the night.

Finally, you know, you drop the other couple off and you get in the car and Mr. Stoic is still Mr. Stoic. And you turn to him and you say, you just about ruined our evening. We had this planned for a long time those tickets cost quite a bit of money, and I was so looking forward to being with you, and then you just turned like a cold fish. What is wrong with you?”

And he is silent. “No, I mean it, what’s wrong with you?” And you finally probe and probe and probe and finally he tells you. And in your mind, you’re thinking, are you kidding me? You mean our whole evening was semi-ruined from my perspective because I was trying to help? I was just trying to help you find a parking spot and that little comment made you respond like that? And I’m guessing this is not, like, the only illustration. That’s the most benign one that I can give you.

I have experienced that more than a few times. You know, I have all adult children now, and ya know, whether it’s Christmas or a Thanksgiving or a vacation or something and everyone is there and, there’s a lot of joking that goes on and I’m the butt of a lot of it. I don’t know, maybe it’s being a pastor, I think my kids got sick of hearing people don’t really know me very well. They think, your dad is so wonderful. And so, I think one of our goals in life is to make sure he stays humble at home. And so, they give me a hard time about everything. I mean, if I say something crazy or tell a wrong illustration, it’s like the roast goes on. And so, we are all together and we are all talking about something.

And it’s usually pretty good natured and Theresa goes into this whole story and really the whole story is about: I can’t fix anything. I’m just inept and I can’t fix anything. Well, it’s true. And usually it can be a joke, but I remember as she shared that and it was all funny and everyone was laughing, I wasn’t laughing. I mean, on the outside I smiled, and I laughed but it really hurt. And that may be true, but in front of my grown kids it was like a little dart. It made me so sad because what I realized is I didn’t want to be around her. I mean, I love my wife. She said what was true in front of my kids and everyone is laughing; I can’t fix anything.

So why did that hurt so much? And let me tell you, ladies, this is why it hurts so much and this is why you have to really guard your mouth and later, men, I’ll talk about why you need to guard your mouth.

The lie is: My husband’s attitude makes no sense to me. He gets so upset even when the smallest comment in front of others when he did something wrong. Well, Here’s the truth and here’s why: Husbands fear futility, the sense that they don’t measure up. That’s why affirmation, refusing to criticize publicly, and physical intimacy builds up his confidence.

I don’t care how successful your husband is. I don’t care if he’s, built like Atlas and lifts weights, I don’t care if he’s wealthy and powerful, I don’t care what kind of job he has, I don’t care if it’s construction or he’s a genius in computer programming. Every, single man on the face of the Earth fears futility. “Do I measure up?”

And a little comment that communicates, okay, maybe it shouldn’t threaten a man for someone to tell him where to park, but the message that a man hears is, “Do you think I’m an idiot? Do you think I can’t figure out where to park? You don’t think I have a brain? I'm not your son. You don’t think I've got a few things that I’m thinking about where to park that might be a little bit different than you? I don’t need help in this one.” That’s where that emotion is.

And you know, I’ve tried to use the kind of illustrations that seem so mild, how in the world could they produce that? But some of you know you’ve said really critical things to a friend about your husband and it gets back to him. Critical things that make him feel like he doesn’t measure up. In fact, you’ve said them to him.

If you don’t get anything else out of this message, you need to grasp that your husband, more than anything else, believes that your opinion is the most important opinion in the entire world. Write that down, jot it down, do something. Your husband believes that your opinion is the most important opinion in the entire world.

I happen to do a job where I’m in front of lots of people, at times thousands of people. And I’ll go to airports and be picking up my bag “Oh, I recognize that voice. Are you Chip?” “Yeah.” “I listen to Living on the Edge.” Blah, blah, blah. After a service, “Oh, I want to tell you, that’s the best message I have ever heard in my whole life.” And what I know is it’s not the best message. What I know is I have been used by God And what I have learned over the years is “Thank You, Lord. I want to be Your PVC pipe that Your grace can flow through.”

And in my wife’s experience, she goes, “You get so much praise. How in the world do you handle that?” And I said, “By and large, I appreciate they’re really trying to say thanks to God but they need to see someone and I happen to be, the person and it’s a stewardship and I need to listen and sort of deflect and make sure that, ‘Hey, thanks, I was glad to be a part of God’s work in your life.’

But when my wife tells me, Chip, I’ve heard you speak a lot of times. Wow, I saw God’s power. You were up in the wee hours of the morning. Man, you were really preparing. I've seen you pray. I know how much pressure you've felt and Chip, I’m really proud of you.” That, ladies, is worth one hundred thousand comments from people all over the world that I don’t know.

And so, I just want to encourage you that words of affirmation and especially if your husband has lost his job, if he is going through a rough time, if he’s doubting himself, can I be so bold to say you need to give words of affirmation and, I know this is a family program but you initiating making love with him will tell him more about how he’s loved and affirmed and cared for.

And certainly the act of intimacy is important but it’s way more being naked and unashamed, being valued just for who you are, you bring nothing to the table, and someone in this world loves you and loves you deeply. And what I would be very quick to give you is Philippians 2:3 and 4. And it’s a verse worth memorizing. "Do nothing from selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others.”

And women are not the only ones, gentlemen, who say insensitive things and that are clueless about why a certain word could cause such wounds and such damage and such arguments. Let me give you some of the private thoughts of men. Ladies, you might be interested in this. Here's the misbelief: My wife’s attitude makes no sense to me. If I joke about her gaining a little weight or I take notice even slightly of another woman, she comes unglued.

I don’t get it. I was just joking. I just said, “Hey, hon, looks like you put on a couple pounds.” And, man, she shut down. Or, uh you’re in a restaurant and a beautiful woman walks by. We are all human, God made people very beautiful and maybe this person has a very lovely figure and decide not to put much on to cover it and being a human and being a man, you look. That’s one thing. It's the glue of your eyes as that occurs and your wife is like, “What’s going on? What is going on?”

In fact, if you want to know, gentlemen, why porn is so, so devastating for a wife to discover, or for some of you that are dating, for you to discover it about your boyfriend, porn gets at the heart of why all these things I’m talking about is painful, devastating, can shut a woman down, and make her feel very, very unloved.

The misbelief is my wife’s attitude makes no sense to me when I joke about gaining a little weight or I take even a little notice of other women, she comes unglued. Here’s the truth: Women fear abandonment, of losing the relationship. That’s why saying, I love you, being a good listener, and showing affection in public build up her sense of belonging.

Just as you feel like, “I don’t measure up, Am I really a man?” Women, by and large, fear: Are you going to leave me? Are you going to abandon me? Am I not good enough? Am I not good enough so that you have to stare in front of a screen of make believe people who have their bodies shot up with stuff and pretend worlds? Am I not good enough that your attention goes to another woman? Do you love me or just, if my body isn’t what it used to be, so you really don’t love me, you just love me for how I looked?

That’s what’s going through her mind, that’s why that little comment is not a little comment. And that’s why, men, you need to communicate you love her. And I know I’ve heard all the jokes like, “I told her I love her when we got married and, you know, she ought to remember that.” I have learned and I have gone into training, I probably tell my wife that I love her multiple times a day.

Teaching this right now has been an encouragement because as most of you know, I didn’t get these misbeliefs out of a book somewhere. It wasn’t like, “Hey, Chip, here’s a great book on misbeliefs about marriage and relationships. Why don’t you write those down and come up with some messages?”

I got all these misbeliefs from my own personal experience, from the study of God’s Word, and from countless hours of meeting with men and women who could have great relationships who actually squandered them because they started believing lies like: When the right person comes into my life, then everything is going to be okay.

If my husband would only do this, then everything would be great. If my wife would only do this, then everything would be great. The fact of the matter is that women fear abandonment and we need to communicate, “I love you. I don’t love you just for the way you look, I don’t love you for what you bring, I don’t love you just for what you do. I love you. I am for you.”

And by the way, that can be very, very generic so you need to get it specific. “I love you because of the way you are faithful to me and the way that you listen. I love you because I watch how you treat our children. I love you because every time we are around,” in my case, “women that are hurting and no one cares about, I see the love of Christ come through you into their lives.

I love you because you remind me that we are all desperate and someday, I would love to learn to pray the way that you pray. I love you because you inspire me to walk with God. I love you, sometimes not as much as I would like to, when you are so about integrity, integrity, integrity and little, tiny things and I’m thinking, “You’re being a little legalistic.” And the fact of the matter is maybe I was being a little bit loose.

Your wives so desperately need to hear that kind of affirmation. And then you need to be – are you ready? I mean, all the research is in. A woman likely feels more loved when you do this one thing than almost any other thing. And it’s what we, as men, are no good at, by and large. It’s called listening. When you come home, you need to stop in the driveway or get off the train or get off the bus or get off the bike, whatever you do, you get home, for those of us that work outside our home.

Or if you work inside the home, then shut down your computer and move from another room and take a lap or two around the house and then say, “Okay, I am entering a new world.” And whether you get home at the same time, but when she enters, my first fifteen minutes need to be about, “How was your day? How are you doing? What was the biggest challenge you had? Tell me a little bit more about that.”

Maybe they are tired and there’s just a word. But listen. And when you listen, it can’t be like, “Yeah, honey, tell me about that.” And the TV is on over here. Or, you know, you’ve got a magazine or a book up. No, no, no, no, no. When you listen, you need to lean forward – body language; I’m engaged – it needs to be eye contact, “I really want to hear what you’re saying,” and then don’t fix her.

Don’t “Oh, well, gosh, if you would have gotten up earlier that wouldn’t happen.” Or, “Well, I think you should tell your boss that.” “Well, if I was you, I wouldn’t put up with that from your supervisor.” “Hey, did you report that to HR?” All that may be true. She doesn’t want to hear that; she doesn’t need to hear that. Here’s what she needs, “I love you, I’m for you, I want to listen about your day. And there may be a time to address some things, but your wife needs to know that she's precious, that she’s beautiful.

And I don’t mean this as manipulation, I think my wife is beautiful. I was looking at a picture just before I came in and it was, it was a picture of my wife about twenty years ago when my daughter, gosh, at least twenty years ago my daughter was late teens. And I saw the picture of the three of us and I just, I just looked at it and I thought, She’s gorgeous. She's gorgeous.

Men – here’s the key –your wife needs to know that she is gorgeous and she needs to hear you say and believe, “You’re beautiful. You look really good in that dress.” That’s a lot better than, “You know, did you get some new jeans? I think they are too tight.”

Guys, you say the stupidest, dumbest things. Now, by the way, can I say, both directions for men and for women, there may be some times where you need to say, “I’m concerned about your health. Could we have a conversation about how much you’re working?” Or, “I’m concerned about your health. I can tell you’re down and you don’t like yourself when you gain, five, ten, fifteen pounds. I know you don’t like yourself right now. I want you to know I love you, but what’s the game plan? How could I be of help? Or what do you need to do, because this isn’t a direction.”

So, don’t hear that you don’t ever address things, what I’m saying is you need to understand that a little comment, a little joke, a little insensitivity from a wife to a husband or from a husband to a wife can be devastating. And it can produce layers of resentment and I will tell you The enemy is glad to break up your relationship even if it takes ten years. But little resentments that don’t get addressed, they just get filed and then they build up after that becomes bitterness. And after that is you see them through a different lens and it’s a negative one. And that path is devastating.

The truth: Women fear abandonment of losing the relationship. That’s why saying, “I love you,” being a good listener, and showing affection in public build up her sense of belonging. It’s the same verse. It's Philippians 2:3 and 4, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vein conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of others.”

Here’s what I’m going to tell you, if you want your marriage to change, because in our next time together I’m going to go a little bit different direction, we are going to look at the foundation. But you want your marriage to change, you really want a great marriage that will produce a great family, then here’s the deal. You need to get these cards.

And, by the way, I don’t want you just to, don’t even try to memorize them. What I want you to do is I want you to get them and put them next to your bedside and then what I want you to do is three, maybe four cards at the most. When you get up, sit up in bed, don’t turn on your phone, don’t check The Wall Street Journal, I want you just to take a few minutes and read them out loud. If your mate’s not up, just whisper them.

Two or three of these cards. Here’s the misbelief, here’s the truth, here’s the verse. And then put them under the stack and leave them there. Before you go to bed, you do the same thing. I’m going to tell you something, because I’ve been doing this for decades. You read that over and over and over and over and over and that misbelief and you say the word, “Stop” out loud, and then you flip the card over and this is the truth and here’s the passage, you will unconsciously find yourself doing things that you never did before.

I unconsciously now walk by the trash can and realize it’s full – I never even saw it before – and it take it out. I walk into the room and she has done all the laundry and my mind goes to: She will feel affirmed and loved if I put it away right now. So that’s how I did it. I never did that before. Something comes out of my mouth that encourages her – why?

Because I have gone into training so that these attitudes and these responses are the ones I know God wants for me, the ones I want, but just reading a book or trying hard will not change very much. You have to renew your mind. If you want a great marriage, you have to fight for it.