Putting God First in Your Marriage

One day, God had a great idea. And after He had made everything and made man, He said, “I’ve got a great idea. It’s not good for a human being to be alone.” And so, He made a sacred stewardship. He wanted us humans, made in His image, to get to experience in some way, what the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit experience all the time: unity, oneness, a love for one another, no competition, a love that is pure, that’s aligned. Jesus would say later that, “I am the Bridegroom, and the Church is the bride,” and marriage is going to be that picture.

And what Satan wants to do is take that sacred stewardship that we have been given, and he wants to twist it and actually, he wants to destroy it. And if he can’t tear down our marriages, he tells us lies to pervert it. And the way he perverts them is trying to get marriage or even family to be something that’s about us, our needs, our happiness, our fulfillment.

Marriage is a good idea, but you’ve got the wrong person. You know, marriage might be really good, but this one is just too hard. That’s not a normal challenge, that’s a hopeless one. This person is never going to change. You know, you might as well give up. And if you have done any research in the last twenty, thirty, even forty years, he is winning.

Marriages are falling apart, kids are growing up without moms and dads, families are split. It’s not modern family, it’s just messed up families. People aren’t loved, they are not connected, they are desperate for hope. And the ripples all through culture and society produce such pain and God wants something better.

And we, His children, followers of Jesus, saved by His grace, filled with His Spirit, He has called us to mirror in this world the kind of relationships, and to enjoy those relationships. And so, the first portion of our time together we have talked about how the lies that we have believed actually destroy the ones that we love.

What I want to now do is I want to give you six building blocks, building blocks that will build up your marriage. Lies are what tear a marriage down; truth is what builds it up. I call them foundational truths. And as you get these in your mind and in your heart, you can have a very different marriage than most people. In fact, you can have a very different and more wonderful marriage than even most Christians. Are you ready?

Foundational Truth Number one: In my own strength, I am incapable of being the husband or wife God calls me to be. Therefore, my first priority for a successful marriage is my own vibrant, daily walk with God. By His Word and His Spirit in community with fellow believers, God will give me all I need to become a loving and godly husband or wife.

You say, “Chip, well, why is that so foundational?” Until you accept everything we have talked about, you can’t do it and I can’t do it. In your strength, in my strength, we don’t have the capacity. Think of what we have been called to do, as a man. I am supposed to not just put my wife first, I’m supposed to lay down my life physically, even die for her if necessary and cherish her. Left to me, I want to think about Chip. And left to you, you want to think about you.

Or think about this calling for women. You’re actually going to trust and respect. And and when push comes to shove, honor your husband who is fallible, that makes mistakes, Man, you can’t do that on your own.

I tell this to couples all the time, especially young ones, I put a little triangle on a piece of paper. And then at the top I put God and then on the bottom of one side, I put man and then I put woman on the other side.

And then I take a line with arrows at the bottom of that equilateral triangle to each other and I put a little circle. And it’s called “oneness.” You want to have a great marriage? The goal of marriage is oneness. Oneness of heart. Oneness of mind. Oneness of emotions. Oneness of body. Oneness of purpose. It's to be known fully and, yet, be loved. That’s God’s desire.

Now, with that little triangle, I have put their fingers on the bottom, And I say, “Now, move your fingers halfway up.” And I said, “What has happened to your relationship with God?” And they both look at each other and me and they say, “Well, it’s a lot closer.” I said, “Okay, move it all the way up within, an eighth of an inch to the very top where it says “God.” I said, “Now, what's happened to your relationship with each other?” And they kind of smile, “We’re way closer to each other.”

If you want to have a great marriage, you can work hard and you can learn some hacks and some tricks, you can learn some communication skills, you can learn to put up with some stuff. And I’m not saying you can’t have a marriage that doesn’t work, but if you want to have a rich, deep, intimate, others-centered, loving, Holy Spirit gushing through your marriage, the number one priority is walking with God.

In fact, I am commanded by God to literally nurture and cherish my wife to help her become like Jesus. And that’s her desire for me. And when you’re married to someone who thinks more like Jesus, who loves more like Jesus, who forgives more like Jesus, who is kind more like Jesus, who forgives like Jesus, I’ve got news for you. That relationship is going to go in some really good places. But we don’t have that ability on our own. A great marriage just isn’t about trying hard. God has to do something in you.

Listen to this key passage. 2 Peter chapter 1, verses 3 and 4, “His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life.” Think of that. God has given us His Divine power. If you know Jesus personally, if you have turned from your sin, received Him by faith, by His Divine power we have been given everything we need for a godly life. Well, how? “Through our knowledge of Him," speaking of Jesus, “who called us by His own glory and goodness.”

So, in other words, the more you get to know God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit that’s how you get power. And then he’s going to give you the specifics of, well, how does that power work and how do you, how do you access it, if you will? “Through these,” God’s goodness and glory, “He has given us very great and precious promises.” Why? “So that through them,” these promises, “you may participate in the Divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world caused by evil desires or lust.”

Everything you need to be a man of God, a woman of God who is an others-centered, filled with God’s Spirit, power to live this life, you have it in you. Paul would say in Galatians 2:20, “I have been crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live. but Christ lives within me. And this life that I now live I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me.”

You know, A lot of people are in a car together and let’s make the car the marriage. And they can’t figure out why it won’t run well, but there’s no gas. Can you imagine sitting in a car and arguing about, “How come we’re not going anywhere? This is really making me crazy.” There’s no gas in the car. God has given us everything we need to be godly, but we have to access it.

We access it when we take God’s Word, “You’ll know the truth, the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32) “Man won’t live by bread alone but every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God.” (Matthew 4:4) “Until now you have asked nothing in My name,” Jesus said. “Ask and you will receive, that you joy might be made full.” (John 16:24) “If you abide in Me and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish.” (John 15:7) You have to abide in the vine. You have to be connected to the power of God and the Holy Spirit.

And there are three ways that we do that. At Living on the Edge, we use a little acronym called B-I-O, BIO. It’s first, coming before God daily. And it might be fifteen or twenty minutes, it might be a half hour, but it’s like my relationship with God is more important than anything on my phone, any work that I have, it’s more important than any relationship. And so, I am going to make that a priority. It’s the first thing I do every morning. I’m not saying you have to do it the first thing, but all the research says if you want to do it consistently, that’s probably the best way.

And if you read Scripture, when anybody had to make a big decision, “A great while before dawn,” Jesus rose. Abraham was going to offer his son, it says he got up at a great early morning hour, saddled a donkey, and put some wood on it, and he and Isaac went. Over and over and over. You want your marriage to change, you have to change. You don’t have the power to change, but God can change you. So, the “B” is coming before God and getting into His Word. Some regular, systematic time with Him each and every day.

Second is as you read His Word, you’ll discover that you don’t have the power by yourself, to obey it. All these verses, fifteen different times it’s, “Love one another, honor one another, encourage one another.” No one can live the Christian life alone. It’s about “in community.” You need support, you need love, you need encouragement, you need mentorship, you need accountability. You’re going to fail, you’re going to mess up, you have to process, you have to work through your emotions, you have to work through forgiving and loving and learning.

And then the “O” is being “on mission.” And that’s not like getting a job at church. On mission is you wake up and realize I’m a servant of the living God and it starts in my house. I wake up this morning, “What are the needs?” Right? When someone serves you really well at a restaurant, “Ah, your water is low.” They fill out your water. “Oh, excuse me, would you like some more of that?” They are sensitive; they observe.

And so, you wake up and you realize: I am going to serve my wife. Or if I have kids, I’m going to serve my kids. I’m going to set an example. And then you do that in your life at work and you do that in the body of Christ. Before God, in community, on mission. As you do that and as you grow and become like Christ, you will be absolutely shocked. You won’t even see it. You’ll be calmer, you’ll be more loving, you’ll forgive more quickly.

You see, there’s nothing that will make you a better marriage partner than being a better follower of Jesus. In your own strength, you can’t do it, but God has given you and He has given me everything we need to be the kind of man and the kind of woman that shows up, that fulfills every command about being a man or a woman in Scripture. And when you do, the favor of God, the blessing of God, the joy of God – it’ll fill your life. It's like He puts wind in your sails and wind in your relationship.

And similar to it is Foundational truth number two. And this is, this is a part of a big reminder about love, right? At the end of the day, I want my wife to love me, right? I want to love God, I want people to love me, I want to love people. And the challenge with this is that, over time, love gets translated into how I feel rather than what I actually do.

The truth is this: I will choose to love my mate by God’s power and grace in all circumstances. Love is giving another person what they need the most, when they deserve it the least, at great personal cost. Now, once you get your cards, where the word “choose” is, I’m going to encourage you to underline that. “I will choose to love my mate by God’s power and grace.”

See, we have been brainwashed to believe that you can’t do things until you feel like it, until there’s a moment of inspiration, until there’s gushing emotions. In fact, the most loving thing Jesus ever did for all of us, are you ready? He didn’t feel like it. “Well, Chip, where do you get that?” Well, just read toward the end of the book of John or any of the Gospels where He’s in the garden and He’s wrestling with whether He’s going to go to the cross, right?

He knows He is going to take on the sins of all mankind. He knows the Father is going to turn away, because He’s absolutely holy. And in this one moment there’s going to be separation between the Godhead. And He knows that He’s going to be whipped. He knows all the things He is going to go through, He didn’t feel like going to the cross. He chose to go to the cross. “God demonstrated His love for us in that while we yet sinners, Christ died in our place.” (Romans 5:8)

So, the great act of love is He chooses to go to the cross. You may never love your mate more than when everything in you is: I don’t want to help her, I don’t want to forgive him, I don’t want to be nice right now and especially after what he did or after what she did and how I feel right now. And you know what you do? You say, “I choose to love my mate,” because love is not a feeling.

And here's how it works. I don’t understand it all, but the moment you make a choice and say, “You know, I was very hurt by what you said and I want you to know I forgive you and I mean it.” When, despite what they’ve done you go and make a cup of coffee and bring it into the other room and you set it down and there has been a problem and, in your mind, it’s about ninety percent his or ninety percent hers and about ten percent you. And you say, “Why don’t we sit down and talk for a few minutes? I think we’re out of sorts with one another and I really love you.”

Because everything in you was, “It was his fault,” or, “It was her fault,” When they come and apologize then we’ll get this thing right.” Love is giving another person what they need the most – forgiveness, kindness, understanding, patience – when they deserve it the least, at great personal cost.

And the passage that I read that is challenging and encouraging all at the same time in 1 Corinthians 13. This was never meant just to be on a plaque somewhere or to be read at a wedding. When I read this, it says, “Hey, Chip, you know this gift, this stewardship, this woman, Theresa, I have given to you that is more precious than rubies and diamonds and other than your salvation, it’s the greatest gift I’m ever going to give you.” “Jesus said, “If you love Me, you’ll obey My commands.”

Well, what is love? “Love is patient,” “love is kind, “it doesn’t envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it doesn’t dishonor others,” ooh, this is hard, especially in my marriage, “it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered.” You might want to circle this on your card. “It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, it rejoices with the truth, it always protects, it always trusts, it always hopes, it always perseveres. Love never fails.”

And here’s what I love. You can say to me, “My mate doesn’t even want to try.” That’s okay. I mean, I wish he or she would. But guess what, you can say, “The number one thing I can do to have a great marriage is to come before God daily, I probably need to get in a men’s group, or I need to get in a women’s group. I am going to do life in community. I’m not going to go alone anymore. I’m not going to sit around with my friends at coffee shops or on the phone or Zooming and talking about, “He did that again, he did that again.”

You will find a group of friends that will tell you, “You shouldn’t put up with that. I didn’t. I got my old man out of here and you know what? The single life is great again.” Right? The enemy will bring all kind of people into your life to tell you things, “Here’s an easy exit, don’t worry about that, don’t put up with that anymore.” And God is saying, “Draw near to Me and I will draw near to you.” (James 4:8)

Don’t focus on what he or she is or is not doing. You cleanse your hands, you purify your hearts, you come to Me, you humble yourself, you come with a broken heart and you read My Word and you cry out to Me and you ask Me What do You want to do in Me? And God will show up. He is longing. “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted; He saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:8) He’s just longing for ordinary people that are broken and hurting and mad and at times betrayed and in messes and just to say, “Oh God, help.” Now you’re in a position to receive grace.

And then as you do, you choose to love your mate. Do they deserve it? Of course not. But by the way, neither do you. But you choose. Someone has to take the first step, someone has to break the cycle. We can’t just keep waiting for, “When they do that, then I’ll do this. Well, if they forgive me, then I’ll forgive them.” This is not a transaction.

You didn’t stand before God and say, “We now make this contract and this contract before God and these witnesses is if they live up to every part of their contract then I’ll live up to mine. But if they don’t, I won’t.” That’s how a lot of people are living and that’s how a lot of you Christians are living. Stop it. Did you hear me right? Stop it. You made a covenant. The word comes from the word to cut or to bleed. You came before God and you made an oath before the living God and He is for you and your marriage isn’t just about you. You have a testimony.

And people are watching. It’s not just, “Oh, we didn’t get divorced.” Do you have the kind of marriage that your kids growing up in your house would say, “Wow, my parents didn’t have it all together but, boy, they loved each other.” “Oh, I remember they went through a real rough patch but something happened and, my dad started living differently and he treated my mom in such a very, very different way. I saw my mom after all that she had been through and they went through a really, really, really rough time but God got a hold of their life. Marriage is good, it’s possible. I want that for me someday.”

You know what the research is telling us about why people are marrying later? With men, most don’t get married now until about age thirty or thirty-two. Women it used to be about twenty or twenty-one, twenty-two. It has zoomed up all the way to about twenty-eight.

They are afraid to get married. And many of the reasons that our young people don’t walk with God is they have seen it didn’t seem to work for my mom and dad. Sending kids to Sunday school or youth group or a Christian college is no substitute for the living, abiding power of Jesus working in you and through you. And here’s the deal: it is never too late.

Foundation number one: Seek first God and His kingdom. Foundation number two: Choose to love whether you feel like it or not.