Resolving Conflict Peaceably, Part 1

We are looking at skill number three. It’s how to resolve conflict – are you ready for this? Peaceably. You know, so nobody gets hurt.

Number one, here’s a biblical perspective of conflict. Number one, it is inevitable. Jesus said, “In the world you will have tribulation,” so we wouldn’t be surprised. Second, it flows from our differences in perspective.

Paul and Barnabas, remember? John Mark was a flake. He went back the next trip, Barnabas says, “Hey, I think we should take John Mark.” He’s the son of encouragement, his gifts, his philosophy, everyone fails sometimes. Let’s bring him along.

Paul is very mission, A-type, you know what? We are not going to sacrifice the mission. He blew it one time. The mission is more important. If you want to help him, you stick around and help him. And it says they had such a sharp disagreement; we get our word schism. And Paul and Barnabas went different ways. I don’t think either of them were wrong.

One was an encourager that needed to help a guy. The other realized, you know what? Jesus told me to take the gospel to all the world and I can’t risk the mission on a guy that I can’t depend on. So, there are differences in perspective.

Sometimes it’s just selfish desires. James would say, “What are the causes of fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires or your lusts that battle within you? You want something and you don’t get it. You kill, you covet, but you can’t have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. And when you do ask God, you ask with the wrong motives, that you can spend it on your pleasures.” Behind a lot of conflict is just plain old selfishness and sin.

And then finally, sometimes it’s just personality differences. Paul has a couple ladies and Euodia and Syntyche and he says they are both great, they are both helpers, they are both wonderful people. But they can’t get along. Maybe it’s personality. We don’t know. But they needed an outside help. They needed a counselor, according to Paul. I want you to get these two ladies together. They are both super. But together, they just rub each other the wrong way.

All I want you to get is this: Conflict is normal and healthy conflict produces and opportunity for growth, but can be destructive unless addressed wisely, lovingly, and with rules to govern the process.

Our text is Colossians chapter 3 verses 12 through 17. If you’re kind of getting it is, “So, as those who have been chosen by God, holy and beloved,” that’s who we are, “we are putting on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bearing with one another and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; forgiving one another, just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. And beyond all these things, put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts to which you have been called into one body; and be thankful.”

The command is, here’s the command, it’s really simple. We are to deal with our mates as Christ has dealt with us and deals with us. Okay? That’s the issue. If you get nothing else, what would that look like if you would say, “There’s a conflict, there’s a disagreement, I’m angry, I’m bitter, I’m resentful. Why did she do that again? I can’t believe he did that. We have talked about it a hundred times.” And when you come together, your one goal is, “I want to treat him,” or, “I want to treat her the way Christ treats me.”

It doesn’t mean you’re not going to have conflict, but I’ll guarantee if you bear with one another, if you forgive one another; if you, beyond all these things, put on love; and if you let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, it’ll come out a lot differently.

Turn the page, if you will, and I want to give you this picture before I walk through a little acronym that has helped me. I have a – Jim Burns is a good friend and he’s a marriage and family therapist and speaker.

And he says there’s a negative dance and there’s a positive dance. And it’s very predictable. So, you start at the top, there’s tension, friction, problem, pain, misunderstanding. And you can fill it in. In fact, for some of you, you don’t have to think too hard. You can just think some of the real recent ones.

The negative dance is defensive: blaming, anger, control, attack, and the “I” language appears. “I did this. You ought to do that. I did this. I…” It’s very defensive.

The positive dance is there is tension, friction, problem, pain, misunderstanding. And the response is “we”. We assume responsibility and we work together to resolve the issue. I’m going to give you some tools to do that.

By the way, in most conflict, you have sharks and turtles. Some by personality, some by gender. And so, in a conflict, there’s some of you that what you do is instinctively because of your background, your personality, you just pull your head in. And, man, all you can get is a shell.

And then there’s those of us, we just swarm the water. And you know what? We are going to win and we are going attack and if we have verbal skills, we are going to reframe it and you did this. By the time we are done, we were the problem and you feel like it’s all your fault. And then you realize it’s not. And then you resent us.

And we have manipulated and we have been unkind. And we haven’t been bearing with another. And we haven’t been forgiving. And we haven’t done – we haven’t been humble. We haven’t been patient.

But here, it’s a “we”. Okay, we have an issue. We’ll talk about getting that on the table. And then the “we” issue goes to resolution without a win or lose.

Okay, yeah, this is a problem. How should we solve it? What are our options? Let’s define the problem together. Let’s calmly talk about it in a way that I’ll show you. And what do we learn from this? What was really going on? And as a result what happens is you learn about each other.

What would God have us do in this situation? You see it this way, I see it that way. And we are at odds. What does the umpire, what does He say about this? Or do we need someone from the outside, since we are at a deadlock, because we want this to go better. Do we need someone on the outside to coach us and help us mentor through this who is objective? Because obviously neither of us are. And if we could have solved it, we probably would have solved it by now.

And when you do that, then the result is authentic oneness and a feeling of being loved. And conflict actually becomes something where you grow closer. “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Or one man and one woman sharpen another.

So, how do you take a problem and diffuse it? Spread it out so you get God’s perspective and you deal with it. Well, here’s the acronym. The “D” is for: Define the problem on your own. Define the problem on your own.

Proverbs 15:4 says, “The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly.” When you have a disagreement, don’t start by solving it with the person. Get by yourself and ask, “What is bothering me? How do I feel? When did this all begin?”

The “I” is for: Initiate a time to talk. Matthew 5:23 and 24 says, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember your brother,” or mate, “has something against you, leave your gift there at the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother,” or your mate, “and then come and offer your offering.”

When I say “Initiate a time to talk,” jot these down. Right time, right place. Trying to solve a complex problem at the wrong time and the wrong place will not go well. It’s a time that is good for both of you. Don’t be pushy, but don’t procrastinate. “No, we really need to meet.” “Well, I’m exhausted now and I go to pick up the kids and I’ve got to do this and I’ve got to do that.” “Yeah, and I’ve got a big meeting.” “Okay, okay, then, Friday morning, okay? There are some things that are on my heart I just want to discuss.” So, you have defined it, you’re clear, you’ve talked with the Lord, you initiate a time to talk.

The “F” is: Focus on the perceived problem, not the person. Proverbs 18:19 says, “An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city and disputes are like the barbed gates of a citadel.”

One of the huge issues in our marriage was we, neither of us – her family didn’t have any conflict, because it was illegal.

And my folks, they would have conflict, but they came from the school: “Let’s not do it in front of the kids.” So, we never saw how conflict got resolved. And my dad blew up and my mom stuffed. And you do understand that left to yourself you pretty much do what, not what people told you, but what was modeled.

And so, you’ve got to, when I said, “Some of you, you’ve got to break out of old patterns and develop new ones.” And so, jot this down, this is going to be important. The way you bring up a problem without attacking the person is called an “I feel” message. This was on our refrigerator for two years. An “I feel” message.

Let me tell you, and I’ll just make it, because I want you to know that it doesn’t have to be over a big thing. It’s usually big stuff under the surface.

So, I’m late. “Why are you late again? Don’t you even care? You should come home on time! I fixed all this food and you don’t even care. You don’t even give a rip.” “Who are you to tell me what to do all the time? My lands, I’m working full-time, I’m going to school full-time, I’m supporting the kids, I’m up late, I’m up early, I’m studying Greek. Man, I’ve got to have some fun too!” “Well,” silence, bedroom, here we go. Three-day journey.

All over dinner, except it wasn’t. What I would learn later is, “I spent all day doing something to say, ‘I love you,’ and I fixed it and you didn’t show up and you didn’t even call.” And what I heard was there’s no room for me to have a life of my own and I’m busting it like crazy. I’m already insecure about figuring out how to be a dad to two kids that I adopted a year ago.

And when you start with that, “You should/you ought,” man, those are, for a man, those are fighting words. You ought, you should, you always, you never. That’s how mothers talk to sons. Let me tell you, those are fighting words both directions. Adults don’t talk to adults like that. That’s authority to inferiors.

Well, then, if that’s true then how do you get it on the table without saying, “You ought, you should,” raising your voice? It’s an “I feel” message. So, here’s the picture.

These are – the stories you’re about to hear, the names have not been changed to protect not the innocent. Okay? So, this was, we are in counseling and we are working through all this. And so, it’s another time and I’m feeling bad and I’m feeling guilty and I’m not going to attack her. But I walk in and it was such a great game. I mean, we just kept winning. It was so wonderful. And there’s a brotherhood, there’s something about hanging with guys you haven’t met and doing it that I just loved.

And so, I walk in and the kids aren’t around and the table is set and there are candles lit. And I’m going, “Oh, gosh. Why does she always do this when I play basketball?” And she is thinking, Why does he always play basketball when I do this?

And so, I came in and she goes, she was calm, in her right mind. No, no, no fire in here eyes. “Hey,” it’s like, “hey, something is wrong here.” Like, you’re on patrol and you know, I don’t know what’s wrong, but I can feel it. Something is wrong.

And she goes, “Are you still hungry?” I said, “Yeah.” “Well, it’s in the oven. I’ll get it for you. No, sit down.” The candles are still lit. Oooh. So, she gets it out of the oven and puts it on the table and then she sits down. She doesn’t look mad. Is this reverse psychology? What is coming on here? This is really starting to scare me.

So, I eat and she lets me eat and, “Do you like it?” “Yeah.” And I’m thinking, I think I’m just going to get by with this. And so, right time. She processed personally what the real issue was, right time, right way, candles.

And then she looks at me, leans over, eyeball to eyeball, she said, “Chip, can I tell you something?” I said, “Sure.” She said, “I spent half of the day preparing this meal for you, because I love you. I feel hurt when you don’t call and you don’t get to enjoy this meal that I made to express my love for you. I feel hurt.” See, you can’t argue with someone’s feelings.

And because she did it in that way, “A gentle answer turns away wrath,” Proverbs 15. And it was like God used it to, Tchoo! Ooh! I mean, I just, get up and fight like a real man! That was unfair! And for the first time, I made the connection between my lateness and her heart and what she was experiencing.

And she didn’t nag, she didn’t attack, she gave an “I feel” message. And I can remember, oh, dozens of times later. “Guy! Bros! Man, it’s been great, super, man, I’ve got a hot date with my wife. I’ve got to run. You want to take my place?” And I bet wasn’t late three or four times in the next five years, because now it’s not about being late. I don’t want to wound my wife.

You do understand that your whole life changes, too, with the Lord when you realize that sin is never a behavioral issue. It’s not, “I should stop watching porn,” or, “I should stop cussing,” or, “I’ve got to break this addiction,” or, “I need to stop losing my temper.” Those are behaviors. You’ll never, never change until you realize Ephesians says, “Don’t grieve the Holy Spirit.” It talks about all those abusive words and language and malice and slander and all those negative things.

It breaks God’s heart. When you could realize that when you sin and when I sin, what really happens, Jesus already took my punishment. It doesn’t make God mad when you sin. It makes Him sad. See, He wants to be closer to you than you want to be closer to Him.

And when you begin to realize, “Should I do this or not do this?” When I knew it was going to break my wife’s heart, my heart changed. I mean, I may be a jerk, but I’m not going to treat her like that. But if she wants to fight about time you eat supper and if she wants to control my life, right? All those things I say. How did she do it? Can you imagine?

“I feel frustrated when you raise your voice. I feel hurt when you bring that up in front of the children. I feel wounded when after we have talked about that and you said you forgave me, in a moment of heat, you bring that up about my failure in the past.”

“I feel.” We had it on the refrigerator, and we learned, we learned when there was a problem, get alone, define what the problem is, process the whole thing first, and before the Lord. Initiate the right time and right place to talk. And then focus on the perceived problem.

By the way, I have a little note. Eliminate “you should, you ought, you always, you never.” And it’s always a win-win or a lose-lose.

The second “F” is for: Feel their pain as though it were your own. Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother,” or a spouse or a mate, “was born for adversity.”

No matter how angry you are, no matter how hurt, one of the axioms of relationships you have to understand is everyone acts in a way that makes sense to them. I mean, the things that make you nuts about your mate, they, by and large, it makes sense to them. The way their mind, the way their thinking, in the moment, it made sense to them. Unless they are just absolutely evil, they weren’t trying to think, Hey, how can I just totally screw up our marriage? But they just find themselves in the same thing. And as difficult as it is, feel their pain as though it were your own.

You don’t have to understand it, it doesn’t have to be logical – that was a big one for me. And my wife is very intelligent, don’t get me wrong. But when you’re wounded and when you’re hurt or when things are happening or when you have been through things – and we all have, and you all have – sometimes two plus two equals seven. And in your brain somehow, that makes sense. And if you’re on the receiving end of that…

And what I came to is I need to feel what she feels. I need to understand. It doesn’t have to make sense, it doesn’t have to be logical, but I want to identify and I want to empathize with what she is actually feeling.