Speaking Your Spouse's Love Language

As we close our focus on this section of this series we have talked about lies that tear down our marriages, we have talked about these foundational truths that you can build your marriage on and it doesn’t matter what comes your way, it will be strong and stable and grow. Today I want to share the last two foundation stones that for me are so encouraging, so positive.

So, Foundational Truth number four is, by the way, this is for men, I will choose to love my wife today in a specific and sacrificial way that is meaningful to her. Then here’s the reason: She is God’s gift to me and I will cherish her just as Christ loved His bride, the Church.

Men, think about what would it be like for your wife to feel cherished, special, valuable, more than anything else, any other human relationship that she would just feel your words and your life and your concern and your body language and your eye contact, she would just feel cherished. As I have shared, coming out of, some of our marriage counseling I had to learn that love is a choice. Okay, so, I’m going to choose.

And then I was loving Theresa, actually, in the midst of our most difficult times, I just was loving her in a way that I thought would be loving, you know? The things that made me feel loving, I thought, Well, I’ll do that for her.

“I choose to love my wife,” notice the key word today. “I’ll choose to love my wife, today in a specific and sacrificial way that is meaningful to her.” I was doing a lot of loving like I came home and I gave you kiss, I gave you a big hug. I mean, physical touch is one of my love languages and, the fact that the garbage wasn’t out, that stuff was broken around the house, I mean, what’s that got to do with love?

Well, I learned- to her, it had a lot to do with love. And always remembering this. I think sometimes we forget this: She is a gift from God. You know Proverbs has thirty-one chapters and I would say in the, forty-five, fifty years that I have walked seriously with the Lord, I have read through Proverbs, I don’t know, hundreds of times. And I’m always struck where it says, “Wealth comes from x, y, and z, but a wife is a gift from God.”

And there’s another proverb that talks about, she is more precious than diamonds or rubies. In other words, there’s no amount of material wealth that can compare to having a wife that loves God and loves you. And so, just remembering that’s a gift I want to take really, really good care of. And she is not only my wife, this helps me, maybe you don’t think like this, she's my heavenly Father’s daughter, I need to treat her as a co-heir of the grace of Christ. She really matters to the Almighty King of king and Lord of lords.

And so, I need to steward and treat her that way. So, that’s sort of the motivation. Now to the real specific. there’s some key words And I want you, as a man, to kind of just be thinking, Lord, will You give me some creative, specific ideas that I could love my wife today in a way that is meaningful to her? So, the first one is: I choose.

That means you don’t have to feel like it, things aren’t really going great for you all, you don’t have to wait until, there’s a romantic moment. You’re just going to say, “I am going to choose today to love my wife,” well how? “in a specific way.” And as I say, in a way that is meaningful. Those kind of go together.

I’ll give you an example. I reviewed all my notes to do this teaching and I happened to wake up a little bit earlier than normal and I was reviewing them all and I had a couple hours in. And I noticed when I came into the kitchen that the little light on the dishwasher was off. And I knew when I went to bed the little light was on so it was working. Normally, Theresa unloads the dishwasher if she’s there, but I happen to know she doesn’t like to do that, for whatever reason, we all have things I don’t really like to do. Unloading the dishwasher is something she really doesn’t like to do.

So, about five thirty this morning, I was taking a break, I saw that the light was off and it wasn’t a big deal, but because I am reviewing and thinking of these things, I was prompted. I tried to be really quiet and I unloaded the dishwasher and I wiped off the top of the ones where there was water and I put everything away. I didn’t say, “Hey, by the way, honey, I want you to know I unloaded the dishwasher.”

This isn’t to get strokes, it was sometime today, my wife is going to open that up thinking, oh brother, and when she opens it up, it’s going to be empty. And you know what she’s going to feel? Cherished. Because she knows that’s so out of character. She’s thinking, the last thing, left to myself that I would ever do is even notice the dishwasher is full, let alone unload it.

And here's what I want you to get, Chip, that doesn’t sound, like, very romantic. Well, I’ve got news, not to me either, but to her? Her love language is acts of service. It took me five years to figure that out. But guess what, that’s her love language. When we were in marriage counseling, one of the big “ah-has” that finally came to me early, early on was I was speaking and doing acts in French and she was speaking German. We weren’t connecting at all.

And so, what we had to learn was love doesn’t connect into the heart of another person unless you love them in a way that makes sense to them. And the more specific, the better. And little things matter. It doesn’t have to be a dozen roses, it doesn’t have to be a big date, Like, for me, I needed her car. It’s the one that we can get the dog in the back. And we went somewhere to drop the dog off – and I looked down and she has a quarter tank of gas. In my world, you’ve got plenty of time.

In her world, a quarter tank of gas is almost empty. So, what do you do? I pulled over to the gas station, I filled her car with gas, it wasn’t a big deal. The next time she got in her car it was filled with gas and guess what I get at dinner? “Chip, when did you fill my car with gas?” Do you understand what she is experiencing?

Now, I’m not trying to make myself some hero. You need to understand that I knocked my head against the wall and we butted heads for I don’t know how many years until it was like it’s not that hard to love your wife. But you choose to, you do it in specific ways, and then I’m going to go another one.

When you make a sacrifice it really means something to your wife. And this will be such a trite illustration. If you all laugh at me out loud I’ll be deeply, deeply offended. But since I can’t hear you, I’m going to be okay. So, I played basketball in college, I played overseas, I used to coach basketball. Are you ready? I love basketball.

Steph Curry, oh my lands, watching the Warriors, fantastic, unbelievable. We are in the playoffs, the Warriors are playing, and I saw her face as I walked in. And I’m looking at her body language and this is from God. I’m prompted, realizing, whether the Warriors win or lose, it will really not make a difference twenty-four hours from now. And I turned to her, I said, “Do you want to watch something else?” “Oh, no, no, honey. That’s good, I know basketball, you’re really into that. It makes you…” you know what? if I really wanted to see it all I could record it. But you want to watch something else?”

“Yeah.” “Well, why don’t we…?” And we chose something that we both like. We watched it, we talked afterwards, went to bed, I think that the last three minutes of the game was on and I checked it out. I come to bed, ten minutes later. “Did they win or lose?” You know, and I realized, who cares? I had a moment with my wife, again, you know what she experienced? The fact that I would think it’s a sacrifice to not watch a basketball game and watch something else maybe tells me a lot more about our culture and our world. But let me tell you this: it communicated something to her.

Men, how will you choose to love your wife today in a specific way, in a meaningful way? In other words, it will be like, “Oh, this is her love language. “Maybe it’s an act of service. Maybe it’s quality time, maybe it’s a gift, maybe it’s physical touch, maybe it’s some non-sexual hugging. What do you do that makes her experience in her heart that she is cherished and loved? That’s what you do.

The passage is one that most of you know, it’s at the heart for every husband, it’s Ephesians 5:28 and 29, “In the same way, husbands,” “just as Jesus loved the Church, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but they feed and care for their body just as Christ does the Church.”

See, we talk about, two become one flesh and we sort of have this mystical, oh, I guess that’s a metaphor. I don’t think that’s how God looks at it. I think He believes that there’s a oneness that really occurs. And that when you love your wife in a very real sense, you are loving yourself. Now, one of the dangers here, men, I’m going to just shoot it straight, you can’t give to get, right? Well, let’s see, the way I want to be loved is x, y, and z and so the way I’m going to get what I really want is I’m going to learn her love language and I’m going to do that and then sort of go, okay, she’s going to love me that way now.

That’s not Scriptural. And, by the way, God doesn’t do that. God blesses a cheerful giver. There is a kingdom principle that when, from the right heart you are generous and you give when you expect nothing in return, this is not a transaction, this is, “I care for you; I want to cherish you.” and you make sacrifice and you love another, especially your mate, the Lord will honor that.

I missed a game and I have a deep connection with my wife. I go to bed greatly at peace. We had that sense that we are really connected, we are really one. that’s the byproduct of foundational marriage truth number four: I will choose to love my wife in a specific and sacrificial way that is meaningful to her. She is God’s gift to me and I will cherish her as Christ loves His bride the Church.

When you wake up every day trying to figure a way to love your mate in a specific, meaningful, sacrificial way, I’m just telling you, the dynamic of the whole relationship can turn around and happen really pretty quickly.

Foundational Truth number five is for women: I will choose to encourage and respect my husband in a specific and sacrificial way that is meaningful to him. Are you ready, ladies? He is God’s gift to me and I will build him up with my words and actions for the glory of Christ.

So, key word here, not to be too redundant but I don’t want to miss anything, is “choose.” Today. Choose. Yeah, well, he wasn’t very nice and we had a fight last night and he’s not, stepping up as a man. Hey, I don’t want to hear it. Choose today to love him. Jesus loves you when you don’t deserve it. Today you’re going to be an agent of the living God. Choose, whether you feel like it or not, to give him encouragement and respect.

He desperately longs for respect, words of affirmation that say, “You measure up. I haven’t told you lately you’re a good dad. I haven’t told you lately, you get up and you go work. Thank you. You’re a good listener. When we both come home from work and you jump in and help me cook.” Now, I don’t do that because I can’t cook, but man, I’ve got a couple of my sons that that’s just part of their deal. The love language to their wife is, “Yeah, I help in the kitchen.”

But ask yourself, listening, making love with your husband. Letting him know that you value him, that you care for him, asking him questions. He just desperately needs encouragement. “How did it go today?” And, okay, the fact that he doesn’t or is not very good at communicating what’s going on inside doesn’t mean you can’t get there. Probe with some questions.

Be gentle, affirm him, “What is really bothering you? What one thing could I pray for you?” What’s his love language? And then just like I asked the men, discover what his love language is. Is it a gift? Is it quality time? What we’ve learned at least in our marriage is let’s find a love language that is true of both of us and number two for both of us is quality time.

Some of you think that most of my life other than preaching and teaching God’s Word or maybe traveling a little bit, basically all I do is drink coffee. And there may be some truth to that, but when I was a kid, part of dynamic of our home, we weren’t born again, Bible-reading Christians. We were social Christians. But I will tell you, we ate breakfast together, we ate dinner together. And we got done, you pushed the plates to the middle. People didn’t get up and run around. And you get a cup of coffee. Even at three, I didn’t like milk, I’d drink half milk they'd put coffee in there. And we would talk, and we would share.

And something happened in my psyche that a cup of coffee and a deep conversation go together. I bet a thousand-plus times when I felt like, “We’re not really connected,” I’ll turn to Theresa and say, “Hey, you want to go get a cup of coffee?” And I think what she knows is, “You want to have a good talk and get out of wherever we are?” And sometimes she’s more practical, “You think we could just make it here and go out on the porch?” “Yeah, that would work as well.”

But, ladies, love him in a way that is specific and meaningful to him. Communicate, “I want to be around you, I love you, I’m for you. Thank you for coming through for me.” The passage is Proverbs 31:10 to 12, “A noble wife or a wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies, her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.”

Many, many, many years ago I remember we were talking about this passage and Theresa just in passing said, Chip, do you know one thing I pray every single day of my life? And this is my heart before the Lord, I pray that I would do you good and not harm all the days of my life.” And I think God is answering that prayer. I feel that; I get to experience that.

And so, ladies, let me encourage you that your husband is in desperate need of feeling loved. And for some it might be, “Hey, here’s tickets to a great ballgame.” Or, “I know you and one of the guys love to do this and so, I just want to let you know that I’m going to go do this with the girls. Have fun; go play golf.” I don’t know what it is, but you do.

If you each and every day, and now I’m speaking to both of you, if each and every day “I will choose to love my husband or my wife in a specific, meaningful, sacrificial way,” and then you did something – it doesn’t have to be big – and you did something every, single day, I am telling you it’s like putting money in a bank. It’s like putting emotional money in a bank. It’s like putting spiritual money in a bank. It’s like communicating God’s favor, God’s love, and guess what love does. It covers a multitude of sins.

You’re going to make mistakes, I’m going to make mistakes, everyone makes mistakes. You’re going to sin, I’m going to sin, you’re going to do things that you’re really sorry for. Love is powerful, love never fails, love is a verb, love is action, love is choosing especially when we don’t feel like it to do for another person – what they need the most when they deserve it the least at great personal cost.

When we give love away, when we do things that are sacrificial and they cost us time and it costs us money, and at times maybe it costs us reputation, and when we give up some things that we really want to serve and really care for someone else, especially in our homes, you know what your kids see? They see love. They Jesus manifested. You know what gets birthed inside your kids’ hearts? “Someday, someway I would love to have a marriage like my mom and dad’s.”

See, the Great Commission, making disciples of every nation, it has to start under our own roofs. And I understand, believe me. I know there’s a lot of people that you have tears right now thinking, I wish I would have heard this five years ago. Or, I am lonely and it’s difficult right now. We’re going to talk about some of those other special times.

But I’m talking to people that are married right now and I want to talk especially to those of you that haven't even said anything, but those little lies are creeping into your brain and some other people are looking kind of good and you’re kind of bored and it’s not really bad but it’s not overly fulfilling.

And you’re filling your mind with enough TV and Netflix and junk that makes it look like all the fun and all the joy is all the hot stuff that’s out there somewhere. And it is a lie from the pit of hell. And you need to get a hold of your mind and you need to look at what you already have and you need to believe what is going to last forever and be the man in your home that God is calling you to be and be the woman in your home that God is calling you to be.

And just realize it’s going to take a lot of hard work and you’re going to have to fight for your marriage. And when you do, as you do, you’ll make it through all kind of difficult, challenging, painful, hard things and you will draw closer and closer and closer and you will get to know God in ways that you never dreamed That kind of a marriage is like light spreading out in your neighborhood and your workplace and your church and your community.

And you just might find people saying, “Could you help me understand where you two get this hope that is in you? Where and how do you get that?”

And I don’t want to be trite, but the answer is Jesus. It’s Jesus having the freedom to live His life inside of you with full control so your mate gets loved the way Jesus wants to love them. And it’s you connecting with Him and letting Him love you to such a degree that you actually have something to give.