Why Marriage Still Matters

Ya know when we think of marriage, especially as Christians, we think about it as the union of a man and a woman, the importance of what God has set up for us to thrive as a society. But there are sociologists and people all around the world now that are deeply, deeply concerned at the decline in marriages because when that institution is in decline, there is a domino effect that impacts society, economics, the health and welfares, of children, and this decline in marriage is a huge problem. But behind it is a lie and this is a lie that's been spread all across the world that it really doesn’t matter if you’re married or not.

In fact, in some places in Europe, marriage has become passé. Sixty to eighty percent of some populations don’t get married at all. They just live together, have children, and move forward. And you say, “Well, why are you talking about that if we are Christians and marriage means a lot to us?” It’s because a lot of this has really infiltrated the Church.

I can’t tell you how many people I meet, often parents, that talk about a conflict and the conflict goes something like this: “My daughter is getting married in a year her fiancé lives in another city and they've decided to move in together until they get married, and I’m really struggling with that. I know it’s wrong, I know God doesn’t approve of it, she’s a Christian, he’s a Christian, they are planning on getting married.” And so the conversation goes. “What do we do?” Or I have met many, many, many people who we get in conversation, they’ve been in church for quite a while, and it becomes obvious that they're not married; they're living together. And they kind of look at you.

And, by the way, especially a younger generation. It’s not like, “We’re going to willfully not get married,” it’s they have grown up in another world. And here’s the lie that they have heard, The National Marriage Project lists the ten, most common lies about marriage. Number nine is this: Cohabitation is just like marriage but without the piece of paper. You’ve heard that, right? I’ve heard that. ‘Hey, you love each other, you're committed to one another, what’s the big deal, Chip?’

Here’s what their research, this isn’t the Bible, researchers at The National Marriage Project have literally done the work this is their research. Cohabitation typically does not bring the benefits in physical health, wealth, and emotional wellbeing that marriage does. In terms of these benefits, cohabitants in the United States more closely resemble singles than married couples. This is due in part to the fact that cohabitants tend not to be as committed as married couples and they are more oriented toward their own personal autonomy and less to the wellbeing of their partners.

Some other research that I read earlier says that of people that cohabit ten years later – only one out of ten are still together, even among those who decide to marry at some point along the way. Now, I think those statistics, can be changed and are very different for people who come to know Jesus during that process or repent and realize, “Oh, like, does it really matter? Is marriage that important?” Well, yeah, it really is.

Cohabitation has deeply, deeply damaged, not just marriage, but especially women. Men talk about, “Well, why should I get married? I can have sex anytime I want it, we share the expenses, if it doesn’t work out we won’t have to split things with the divorce.” The people that pay the highest price for cohabitation, by and large, are women.

Well, you know we are talking about lies that we believe that destroy the lives of the ones that we love. – this is number [three] – marriage is merely a manmade set of rules and restrictions. I can tailor my marriage however I want to to fit my needs. It’s kind of the idea, I think of it as sort of the salad bar mentality. We want to be together, God’s Word says this about marriage, the culture says this, why don’t we just decide how we want it to work and we’ll make up our own rules. You know, that sounds kind of good on the outside, but fundamentally it doesn’t work.

I remember a young man that I had the privilege of leading to Christ. And as we were going on this journey together he said, “I want to follow Jesus but I'm living with my girlfriend and I don’t want to give her up.” And I said, “, why don’t you marry her?” He goes, “Well, I’m afraid to marry her. Who knows where that will go,” etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. I remember just looking at him and saying, I said “Oh, well, I mean if you want second-rate sex the rest of your life, go ahead.” He went, “What?” I said, “Yeah, second-rate sex. That’s all you’ll have. You can leave anytime, she can leave anytime. You’re not committed to her.”

Sex is not simply about physical bodies or physical pleasure. Sex is about the union of souls. God’s goal for sex was the apex of communication that is your heart and your mind, your emotions, that sense of being secure, that sense that We are one.” The Bible talks about leaving and cleaving and becoming one flesh. And, when you’re not married, when there’s not a commitment, it’s just second-rate sex. And I’ll never forget, I mean we went on a journey, we studied the Scriptures together, he determined he would marry her. It was a very small wedding. Theresa was, the maid of honor. And they had been living together some time but, their relationship so changed.

This lie: Marriage is merely a manmade set of rules and restrictions. I can tailor my marriage however I want to fit my needs. Here’s the truth: Marriage is an institution created by God. He designed it with specific guidelines and roles to provide spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy as a family’s foundation.

In fact, in some further research, this is a project seeking to answer these three questions: What is marriage for? What do we benefit from marriage with regard to marriage for the children and for adults? And how does it benefit society? It says, “Marriage is a universal institution. It performs a number of key functions in virtually every known society. Marriage organizes kinship, establishes family identities, it regulates sexual behavior, it attaches fathers to their offspring, it supports child-rearing, it channels the flow of economic resource and mutual caregiving between generations, and it situates individuals within families, kin groups, and communities. In other words, marriage is the glue of society and culture.

He goes on to say, “In our society, marriage is the central institution in the family. It establishes family household that are organized around the spousal couple and in many cases, their dependent children. The institution of marriage literally is the core of what makes a society, and a culture healthy.”

And what we’ve seen, we have more children born out of wedlock than ever before; those born out of wedlock are destined to lower education, lower self-image, far less safer environments. When you have people that aren’t married and fathers disappear, that relationship alone is the single most important predictor of people going to jail, juvenile delinquency, drug addiction, and crime. We can talk about all the different ways that we have pulled God’s design apart. And there’s always consequences. And the consequences are devastating.

God caused the family to come together around the union of a man and a woman, committed to one another publicly declaring, “We are for one another.” Here’s the truth: marriage is an institution that God designed and it really does matter. The passage is Genesis 2:24 and 25. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” “And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” That vulnerability wasn’t simply physical. They were naked and unashamed.

Down in your heart, and in my heart and every single person that walks upon the Earth, we were made to belong, we were made to be loved, we were made to be able to pull back all the false pretense and all the different ways that we project that we’re something that we aren’t because we so want approval. And we want someone to know us fully as we really are and then to look into their eyes and feel love and acceptance, even though they see the good and they see the bad and they even see the ugly, and they love us. They choose to love us and because Christ lives in them, they love us the way Jesus loves us.

That only happens when you know that person can’t walk out the door tomorrow because they met someone else or because things are a little bit tough. Marriage is a vow, it’s a commitment. “Before God and these witnesses.” It is a vow, it is a binding vow we make to another person. Often, I hear them leaving out parts of that vow. It’s for better or worse, richer or poorer, until when? Until death do us part. You have to learn to keep your word.

And I just want to encourage you, do not buy the lie that you can make up your own style of marriage, that cohabitation is the same thing. And the reason isn’t that God's a prude. The reason is God wants you to flourish, so hold to the standard. Be that man that leaves that woman that leaves and then cleave to one another, which means you make this other person your number one priority, apart from God.

As a man, you cherish your wife. As a woman, you respect your husband. You say, “We've gone from my way or your way, it’s our way.” It’s looking at all of life through the “we.” What do we want to do? What are we called to do? What are we going to do to face this challenge? How do we want to raise our children? Where do we want to work? What is God’s plan for us as a couple? That’s what marriage looks like. And when you give that up for convenience or because you think you can come up with a better plan, the consequences are devastating. Don’t buy the lie.

Lie number four. There’s one for husbands and one for wives. they’re very, very parallel and this is one that, whether you’re willing to admit it or not, we all believe this lie to some extent. Let’s start with the husbands. This is what happens inside your head when, as a husband, you’re a little frustrated. For whatever reason, your wife, from your perspective, is not coming through for you. From your perspective, this marriage isn’t what it ought to be.

Until my wife shows me the respect and the physical affection that I need, she shouldn’t expect me to step up and lead my family God’s way. Hey, men, you ever thought that? You know, she wants me to do this and be more involved with the kids and help with the homework and be a better leader and be a spiritual leader and, I go to work and, I provide, a lot of finances here’s the deal. When she starts stepping up and respects me, I can’t even remember the last time we had sex. When she starts being that woman to me, then I’ll start being that man that she needs.

Does any of that resonate with what's happened in the privacy of your mind, gentlemen? At the end of every one of these cards, I write, “Stop,” with a stop sign. And then you turn the card over and then you read the truth. And the truth is - it’s tempting to wait for my wife to do her part before I do mine, but the only person I can change is me. Transformation will occur when I focus on being the husband God wants me to be. And then I put a passage here that reminds you and reminds me of what Jesus has called us to be as husbands. Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives,” – how? “just as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her.”

How did Jesus love the Church? He laid down His life. And, by the way, He laid down His life when He didn’t feel like it. remember? “Father, if there's any way that we can go with a plan B. Nevertheless, not My will, but Your will be done.” So, that’s our calling.

This was the breakthrough moment in our marriage relationship. The first nine months was really, really hard. After a few months of bliss, very few, we relocated, to Dallas, Texas. I started seminary. I needed to work full-time, go school full-time because I thought it was really important for my wife to be home with our small children. They were about five at the time. And so, I was getting up super, super early and then I would go to school all day and then come home and eat, play with the kids a little bit, go to work from about six until eleven thirty or twelve at night, we are passing each other in the night, I’m not getting much sleep. and I’m just busting it at both ends.

And little things became big things. And I felt she wasn’t very sensitive and she felt I wasn’t very sensitive. And all the parts that were so attractive to me that she’s so organized. It was, “She’s so rigid,” and I was so spontaneous and fun and now I’m irresponsible. And, it just went from one thing to another. And we weren’t yellers or screamers and we didn’t throw stuff. When she got hurt, she would just shut down for two days and wouldn’t talk to me.

And when I got hurt, since I had lots of verses memorized, I would- I would not turn out the light when we went to bed and I would walk around the bed back and forth quoting verses, telling her, “We can’t go to sleep until we get this resolved.” I was making her crazy and she was making me crazy. Okay, we’ll go to counseling and we’re listening to counseling and I’m hearing different things. And it was mildly helpful, but in my gut it was like, well, okay, when she starts, respecting me and being affectionate, I'll start leading.

And it was kind of like playing marital poker. And I had a stack of chips she had a stack of chips and it’s like, you put your chips in the center of the table and I’ll put mine in. I mean you do this for me and I’ll do that for you. And until you do, why should I put myself out there and get hurt one more time?”

Well, she was thinking exactly the same thing. And um driving home after marriage counseling not saying anything to each other, which is really a great way to end those things. And something happened where I got thinking, no matter what I do, I can’t change her. I was trying to manipulate her and get her to do this, get her to see that, say things in a way. I would bring stuff up that we had heard in counseling that really applied to her that could help her be a better wife.

And I remember this ah-ha moment and I realized this is going nowhere. It’s sure not fun. I don’t like being married the way it is. The only person on the face of the earth I have power to change is me. And it was so hard and sobering. And I kind of did an inventory and, I had clearly listed all the issues that she needed to change. And I had a very small list of mine. I’m just being honest. I thought she had a lot to change and I had a few things.

I got my eyes off her long list and I moved over to my short list and I said before God, “Since I can’t change her, I’m going to address these few little things that I think I need to change.” And just, in a moment of I can be honest as I can because I was so hurt and so angry, I was so mad at her - I didn’t want to even change for her. I mean, I is that ugly?

And so, in a moment of obedience, “God, I’m going to deal with these things in my life, coming home late, not being sensitive.” I mean, I made my list. “But I’m not even going to do them for her, But I’ll do them for You. As an act of worship, I’m going to treat her this way. As an act of worship, I’m going to sit down and do these things where I listen and don’t fix things. As an act of worship, I’m just going to do it.”

And God, little by little, so changed my heart. That was a breakthrough.

And before we go too far with the husbands, ladies, lie number five is: Until my husband takes initiative in the financial, emotional, and spiritual aspects of our relationship, he shouldn’t expect me to show him respect or the affection God calls me to as a wife. And the truth is... It’s tempting to wait for my husband to do his part before I do mine, but the only person I can change is me. Transformation will occur when I focus on being the wife God wants me to be, not on the husband he ought to be.

The verse is Ephesians 5:22 to 24. “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church, His body of which He is the Savior. Now, as the Church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”

And, ladies, I can’t speak for you and I can’t even speak to you the way I can to husbands. All I can tell you is when the light came on with me, the light started to come on with her. And she began to say, “I can’t change Chip, but I can let God change me.” And as she did that, something fundamentally happened in our relationship. We had incredible fights around me being late for dinner because I was working, going to school full-time, and I always had my clothes in the back of my car and a basketball. And if I would drive by an outdoor court and guys were playing, I would pull the car over, say, “I got next,” get on the court, play before I had to go home. It was my one little window. And if you win, you stay on the court. So sometimes we would win a lot of games, so I came home late. And she had fixed a great supper and she felt like I didn’t care.

And so, I, we would have an argument about it, wouldn’t talk for two days, repeat cycle, repeat cycle, repeat cycle. I thought, “How unreasonable can this woman be? I’m working full-time, I go to school full-time, I play a little basketball and she goes berserk.” And so, I come home, I have done it yet again, I walk in the door, the children are nowhere to be found, candles are lit on the table, she is very calm, hands are not on her hips.

She goes, “I put your food in the oven to keep it warm.” She put it in front of me; I’m thinking, “Something is wrong here. This is a little scary. What’s going on here?” And then she sat very quietly, she goes, I just want to spend time with you as you eat.” And then she kind of let all the RPMs wind down. Then she said, “Chip, could I tell you something?” I thought, Okay, here it comes. “I feel like you don’t love me when I spend most of the day preparing a special meal because I love you so much and you don’t call and you don’t show up.”

And, I mean, it was like she took a dagger and stuck it through my heart. She didn’t fight, she didn’t complain, she didn’t use words to say I was not a good husband. We learned an “I feel” message to share your struggles or frustrations and anger in a way where you attack the issue instead of the person. I never made any correlation that me coming home late had anything to do with loving her. If coming home on time means “I love you,” I can do that.

Husbands, listen to me. Wives, listen to me right now. Would you be willing today to make a list of three or four things you know for sure that your husband or your wife really doesn’t like, that have been problems in your marriage? And could you choose today to stop focusing on what they need to do and ask God to help you focus on what you need to do and share it with someone of the same sex and say, “Would you help me on these things?” And ask God for help. I think you’ll see a breakthrough in your marriage and you will never, ever regret it.