Webinar III: Listening Skills for the Small Group Leader, Part 2

Chip: Well, I think we’re ready for some questions. So, hey, Andrew! Have you got some questions for us? Andrew is our Chief Operating Officer at Living on the Edge and he has taken lots of questions and he has paired them around what they have in common. So fire away, buddy.

Andrew: Yeah, so, I love this question because it goes back to another webinar that we did. But I think there’s principle here that you can answer: In order to have a small group as you presented in the Transformed series, it takes five to get to know one another, last time you said small groups should be six to eight weeks long. How can you really know your people in that short period of time?

Jim: Do you want to respond to that one?

Chip: Yeah. I would say almost everything you hear in these webinars, if you would just put a box around it that says, “context” – what kind of group? Do you already know the people? The general rule is if you do anything less than six or eight weeks, it’s hard to get very…

If you do three or four weeks it’s pretty casual. You can develop a deeper relationship. But even when we say six or eight weeks, at least for Jim and myself, honestly, what we are thinking is: That’s phase one. And we are going to have people do that. And our expectation is we are going to give people a break. We are going to build some relationship, we are going to celebrate, maybe all eat together at the end of eight weeks.

And then we are going to be, during, like, week six or seven, we are talking about, Would you guys be open to doing another one? Let’s take a little break. And so what you really want to do is put a six or eight week one, another six or eight week one, another one.

And then you look up and you realize, Wow, this group has been together for a year and a half and we have got great relationships. And for some people it was a season. We can’t keep going.

So my old Navigator training: Help many; train a few. And so you can help a lot of people but, boy, some of them will stick with you for a while, become apprentices. So you can’t get to know people super, super deep in six to eight weeks, but a lot deeper than where you were.

Jim: Sure. Sure.

Andrew: That’s great. So here’s another one. How do you help steer the conversation without being overbearing?

Jim: I think you have to have an end goal in mind. So, first of all, it may be that the curriculum, per-se, has eight questions to it. And perhaps in advance you go through the curriculum and you pick out: What are the three questions that I have got to cover to get to the outcome?

Chip: Yeah, no matter what.

Jim: No matter what. And then if someone in the middle of that process starts to steer, this is where you have got to shut your listening filter off, temporarily, and you have got to think while someone is speaking, How do I re-vector them? It’s like a control tower with all these planes trying to land. And it’s like, Okay, I am going to have to redirect this person. What is the best way that I can do it that leads us towards the next question?

Chip: That’s perfect. I am drawing a little picture and you probably won’t be able to see this but maybe someone really, really – Austin who is here is graphically gifted – is that, does that even work or should I just talk? Yeah. Okay. When I do groups, I actually do this on my messages.

On the right is my target and I review the study, I’ll look at the questions, I have studied the passage. And I literally write down, “At the end of our time tonight,” or this group study, I want them to know this, I want them to feel this, and I want them to do this.

And I write out a sentence. I want them to know that God’s love is greater and overwhelming no matter what you have ever done. I want them to feel accepted and encouraged and that His love is present here. Do: I want them to step out and take initiative in the group and then this week, to love someone else. And I wrote those down.

Then, here’s my group, and then I could put little letters of different people’s names and then I look at the questions and think, Yeah, we can, most questions are designed, general information or, What is your opinion? You can’t get that wrong.

Then the next questions are more: How do you really feel? What are you going to do about it? And then the final questions are more application. And you know that’s the flow, but sometimes someone shares this or the group is going different directions. As long as I know this outcome, what I can do is I can gently guide the group toward that and not feel like I have got to drive it and make it happen.

But if I don’t have those outcomes in my mind I feel like, Oh, we’re going this way. Now we’re going this way. Now we’re going this way.

Jim: Well and you can get lost in it all too. We wouldn’t get up and teach something without some sort of an outline because if you get lost, you can always return to something. If you know the map that you have set out with questions, you can re-navigate.

Chip: And this is not about listening, but I am going to say this anyway because we are passionate about discipleship. Here’s the thing. Small groups that open workbooks, even watch DVDs, talk to one another and have a really good time and feel good about that is not the goal of the small group.

Life change can happen in small groups. Life change doesn’t always happen in small groups. But life change happens in a small group when the facilitator says, “We are on a mission together.” And you can be kind and gentle. But you are moving, you are asking God, I am commanded: “Go unto all the world. Make disciples.” I want to help these people become like Christ. I want to help these people understand God’s love and give God’s love. I want to help these people become agents of salt and light that transform their family and their world.

So there has got to be intentionality and a listening skill is a big part of this.

Jim: Sure.

Andrew: Here’s another question from someone. They said, they asked: I am just wondering if you could share some key heart-revealing questions that could help to get what is going on in someone’s heart?

Chip: What I hear behind this question is: It feels like our group kind of stays at this semi-superficial level and I want to go deeper but, question four…and, “What did you get for question seven?” How do you get there?

Some that are semi-gentle that get us down there is: Before we get going, we’re studying this and that. This is a big challenge in the apostle Paul’s life. Could I ask us just to take a minute? What’s the biggest challenge you are facing right now?

Jim: Yeah.

Chip: Another one, because people live crazy lives is: If you could change one thing about your pace in life, just remove one pressure right now that really has you weighed down, what would it be? Or, What are you most concerned about? If you just had to list the top three concerns, no one has to fix anything, but if we just went around the room and just said, “I am concerned about…” what are you concerned about?

And usually that will begin to surface things. And there’s a lot of play in there. In other words, “I’m concerned my muffler is too loud,” or, “I’m concerned because my daughter is dating a guy who I know is bad news and I am up at night.”

Well, both of those are great answers. But there’s a lot of room to go deep or not so deep.

Jim: Yeah, and the piece that I would say, from a leader perspective is, if you’re not modeling a level of transparency then what you desire out of your people will never, never reach that place. So when you set the tone for that transparency, when you ask questions like Chip is saying, it’s really easy for people to respond because it’s a safe environment.

Andrew: How do you address those in a group who want to fix the person who just shared something on their heart?

Jim: Oh boy. That’s a great question.

Chip: That is a great question.

Jim: Yeah. Well, I think this is where, as a leader that you need to provide a safe environment for people to process life in. And so a person who might be a professional counselor or a know-it-all or just have the fix-it gene, I think it’s really important that as a leader you probably just take them aside and you help them understand what it is that you’re hearing them do.

I think when we set boundaries at the beginning, one of the things that we talk about is, this is not an environment to fix people in.

Chip: Yeah.

Jim: And I think it’s totally okay if I were to do that for Chip to say, “Hey, Jim, can you hold that? Remember we talked about the fact that we weren’t going to offer fixes in this group? I appreciate your heart and your desire but we are just going to let this one move on,” and just redirect.

But I think if it’s a perpetual deal you have got to get with the individual and just say, “Hey, I really need you to help in this way.”

Andrew: Someone asked this question, let’s see if I can paraphrase it. When I share and try to facilitate, most of the answers are from me and the work is mine. So how do I get people to put the time in before a group so we are growing? My group wants to be spoon fed as opposed to doing some of the work that is necessary to grow. How would you help that leader?

Jim: Well, starting with maybe some clear expectations and outcomes for the group.

So there’s a lot to that question. I’ll say this. If you have a group that is very non-committal, the group will have a hard time surviving for an extended period of time. And if you’re the Bible answer man and everybody just wants to listen, and I don’t mean this to be mean-spirited. Seriously. But I think it’s important that if that environment is transpiring, the very first thing we need to do is look in the mirror and go, What am I doing as a leader that is allowing those people to sit back and do that? Is there something that I am doing? Because most of the time it’s more about my leadership than it is about the other people. I don’t know if you want to add to that.

Chip: No, I think too, as I think we are living in a world where holding people to a commitment feels very, Well, that’s not grace. And could it even border on judgmental?

Well, you signed up for the group, okay? I’m the leader. And if no one is doing their stuff, I have had this happen where I have said, I think we all were really excited about this. But one of my life phrases is: Listen to people’s behavior, not their words.

So if I’m listening to your behavior and your behavior is no one is reading it or preparing it, maybe this isn’t the right season for you. Or maybe this wasn’t the right topic. And I’m good with that but let’s have an open discussion and if you can’t prepare or you’re not motivated to prepare then let’s just agree that, man, this is probably not the right time for this. But if you want me to facilitate and lead this, my expectation is that you all would do this as well. And, by the way, this is not heavy handed or any pressure but when we start our group next time, because I’m the only one prepared, is I am going to ask each of you, individually, to share what you learned. Okay? So we’ve got a week’s notice.

Now, if no one shows up, you’ll know. But I think we live in a day that, Jesus said a lot of straightforward,

We all need someone to tell us: Are you going to step up and do what you say you’re going to do? And to not do that is a waste of your time and theirs.

Jim: Yeah, that’s good.

Andrew: Someone asks: I have been leading a Bible study group for a couple of years and I haven’t been the best leader or listener. How can I make changes midstream?

Jim: Well, I think probably the fact that there’s an awareness that you need to make adjustments is the starting point. And I think maybe a couple of things you can do, first of all, is seek some counsel or to help maybe sift through what that would look like for change. But I don’t know that you have to announce from the rooftops that you’re making a change.

And maybe there’s a transition or pivot in the group where you’re able to say something like, “I want to be transparent for a minute. I have been leading this group for the last whatever, and I have just recently come to the understanding that there are some things I personally need to change.”

Look, you’re modeling a transparent, humble attitude that will go miles with people. And I think you can say, “Hey, I’m not going to do this perfectly but I am going to really try to do this, this, and this,” whether it’s listening or good questions or boundaries to keep the group on track. Whatever that is, the greatest thing you can do is be authentic with your people.

Chip: I have nothing to add. That is a great answer.

Andrew: Great answer, Jim.

Andrew: Well, there is something that you said that sometimes listening leads to questions. And there’s a whole set of people who are just shy and don’t want to even participate so you don’t even get a chance to listen. So how do you draw out people who are more shy or more reserved in a group?

Jim: First of all, low-risk questions, if you’re going to ask them a question. I think in the guidelines at the beginning it’s okay to say, Hey, early on as we establish relationship with one another, this is the level that we are going to function at. And it’s okay for you to pass, but as a leader, what I want to do, if they’re a very quiet person, I may want to meet with them one-on-one and just hear their story.

And once I know what they’re about then I can ask them questions that help them participate and contribute to the group in really healthy ways. And it doesn’t put them on the spot.

Chip: Yeah. In our small group material at Living on the Edge, in the first even two to three sessions I close out all the groups and I’ll ask a question. And I’ll say something like, “You know what? You don’t have to answer this. If you’re facilitating the group, why don’t you start?” And you are gentle.

And then usually about session five or four, I’m saying, “You know what? It’s time to take a risk.” And I would say gentleness is just one of the key things. Asking a question with gentleness, “Barbara, it has been a great discussion here tonight. I happen to know that you really, man, you have some, you have a pretty interesting story and view on this. Would you mind just taking a couple minutes and sharing just a little bit of that story?”

And what you’re saying is, “We value you. I recognize this makes you feel a little uncomfortable, but this group is with you. Would you take a little step for us?” And I have just found that gentleness, often, it just creates safety.

Jim: That’s good. Yeah.

Andrew: Well, we have time just for one more question and then we will have to go.

But let’s close out with this one. It’s for a group that they are starting a group with people who don’t know Christ. And so their specific question is: What study would you suggest and what specific dos and don’ts should we be aware of before jumping into a type of group like this? And obviously prayer is our first step. But what’s some advice you can give to some people who – listening and answering questions for non-believers?

Chip:  I get these little paperback gospel of Johns that are in an easy-to-read format. And it’s completely – I don’t teach. And let’s read a chapter and then I ask questions. What does it say? Who does Jesus claim to be?

Verse 1. 1 and 2. Where did He come from? And I did this in dorm rooms. I did this just sitting on the floor and we would read John chapter 1 and then and so I use John 1, John 2, John 3, John 4. By the time John 5, He basically says, “Truly, truly I say to you, he who hears My word and believes on Him who sent Me has eternal life and will not come into condemnation, but has passed from death to life.”

So it’s the end of five weeks, “Guys, hey, it was great.” Without exception, every time I have done that I have had people on the side say, “Wow, this is what I am thinking.”

Jim: Yeah, I think that’s great. Just a couple of things come to mind that are really practical. One is: Don’t use “Christianese.” Try to communicate in a way that is common language to who your target is and don’t expect that they are going to be in a different spot. And I love the whole concept of – pray for a heart of evangelism in terms of: how do you present things to them in such a way that – they are already there. They are asking. And so how do you give them something practical that they can chew on and Keep it really simple.

Chip: Yeah. And I would say: avoid moralism. They are not Christians. Don’t expect them to act like Christians. They were coming to the study; of course they are living together. Of course they are having sex. I was with a guy, “Man, that’s a hell of a verse there.” You know? Why wouldn’t he speak that way?

And so, by the way, I didn’t mean to offend anyone there. I was quoting someone else on that.– non-Christians can’t live like Christians. The Spirit of God doesn’t live in them. So let them share and don’t act shocked. God’s Word is going to speak.

Well, thank you all so much. our prayer is that you would become a great listener to hear people’s hearts and then allow the Spirit of God to take the Word of God like a choice Word in a gold-setting in silver that would bring about life change and love in the hearts of people. So keep pressing ahead and thanks for joining us.