Building Trust and Friendships, Part 2

Holiness and relevance is an interesting concept, because they can feel like tensions or like they are actually on the opposite sides of two spectrums.

Because what relevance is about is it’s about being with people, and being connected to people, and knowing people, and understanding how they see the world, and to be able to communicate in an effective way. Whereas holiness is about being set apart. It’s about being different and distinct.

And so, what happens is you can actually err on either side. So, you can be completely “relevant” to the point where you look exactly like the world. And you essentially adopt the world’s lifestyle and morals and theology in order to fit in and to connect.

The other spectrum is that we are so “holy” that we isolate ourselves from the world, that we are completely disconnected, that we do everything separate. Separate Christian schools, Christian entertainment, Christian everything so that we have no impact and no influence on the world. And as followers of Jesus, we are called to go into the world and to transform it. You know? And that means that we have to be distinct, we don’t compromise morally or theologically, but we also don’t hide from the world either. So, how do we do this well?

So, the first thing is, again, we want to be, when we are developing these relationships, these friendships, we want to be distinct, we want to be clear that we are a follower of Jesus, right? We don’t want to hide the fact that we are a follower of Jesus. In fact, if following Jesus is core to who you are, it should come out naturally, right? It should be part of the flow of your conversation. So, we want to be distinct and clear, but we don’t want to be obnoxious or a Jesus robot where we can’t, like, you know, we don’t see the social cues that are going on and we are just like, “Rawr! Jesus!” You know? Like, we want to be able to connect with people naturally and be clear that we are, we are followers of Jesus.

The second thing that is really important in this approach is that we cannot be offended that non-Christians act like non-Christians. So many times Christians are so precious and so, like, easily offended when someone acts a little rough or maybe makes a comment politically that you don’t agree with and it’s like, “Whoa!” And you freak out. And we need to be a little more relaxed, that we’re not going to freak out when someone acts like a non-Christian, because that is what they are, right?

So, I’ll give you an example. I grew up in the Netherlands and I grew up with a friend that my brother and I both had, we grew up in the same neighborhood. We had a great friendship.

And then when we got older, we left. We left the Netherlands. And then years later I came back to Amsterdam and I thought, I’m going to look up my friend. And so, I went to his house, knocked on his door, and it turned out they were having a party and they’re like, “Yeah! Yeah, he’s upstairs. Go upstairs.” So, I went upstairs, whole group – and this is Amsterdam, mind you – there’s a whole group of people and they are all smoking joints and they’re like, “Come on! Sit down!”

And I could have been like, “Whoa! No way! Get away from me!” And instead, I was like, “Okay, fine.” Sat down, they handed the joint, I handed it off to the next person, and just began to have a conversation with these people, because I am not going to be tainted or, you know, like, I can hang out with non-Christian people and not be offended that they act like non-Christians, right? Like, so, we can be a little not-so-precious about that.

The next point, is that the goal, and this is critical, the goal is not to flaunt our moral superiority. Like, the fact that we swear a little less or the fact that we don’t, you know, we don’t get drunk and… The goal is not to flaunt that.

The goal is that we actually allow them to see our supernatural hope, love, joy, and peace.

So, what I mean by that is what people want to see is: How is it that you are joyful in suffering? Right? How is it that you just found out that you have cancer, but you have peace? How does that make sense? How is it that you have hope when everything around you is falling apart? How is it that you are able to love the unlovable? That you are able to forgive someone that hurt you? How is it that you are able to have hope, love, joy, and peace? And the reason is because it’s not natural. It’s a supernatural thing the Holy Spirit has done in you. That is what you want people, the distinction that you want people to see.

I’m not suggesting that we don’t worry about our morals. I’m just saying that is not what is going to attract someone. They want to see something supernatural. And the supernatural is the fruit of the Spirit. And, you know, especially when they see how you handle hard things, how you handle suffering. Because then what you get is you get that classic apologetic verse, which is 1 Peter 3:15, which says, “Always prepare to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.”

They’re not asking you to give the reason that you swear less or the reason that you’re not drinking. That’s not what they’re…they’re asking, “Where does the hope come from?”

And so, I think this is a critical distinction that we need to make as we engage secular people, because we want people to see those supernatural things of hope, joy, love, and peace in our lives. Alright. So, those are kind of the basic principles.

Now, how do we actually get friendships? Like, how do we actually do this? So, the idea here is we want to adopt a missionary mindset. And so, what does that mean? That means that we want to be intentional about a lifestyle that is going to put us in places and situations where we are going to be able to interact with and ultimately develop friendships with secular people.

It means that it doesn’t just happen organically. Like, a missionary is not an organic, “Oh, well, look at this. I’m in Egypt now.” No. I decided to go to Egypt to pursue people in Egypt that don’t know Jesus. That is the mindset that we need to have right here.

The approach is we need to be missionaries to our people in our cities. And so, the idea is we adopt a missionary mindset, an intentional lifestyle. And, again, we go back to the fact that that starts in a broken heart, counting the cost, and now we intentionally engage with people.

So, how do we do that? Well, first thing you need to do is start by actively pursuing people in your oikos, which is a Greek word for your sphere of influence. So, who is already in your sphere of influence? Whether that’s obviously family, coworkers, neighbors. There are people already around you that there’s a difference between, like, knowing someone or seeing someone at an event or Thanksgiving and pursuing them for a deeper relationship.

And there are people right now in your world that if you would ask the Lord, “God, who do You want me to pursue? Who do You want me to pursue for a deeper relationship?”

Second thing when it comes to the missionary mindset is we should expand our oikos because the reality is in our culture, our oikos, our sphere of influence is getting smaller and smaller. Even our neighborhoods, we don’t engage with like we used to. You know, working from home has made our work influence smaller and smaller, right? Families are more separated than ever before.

So, in fact, a lot of times our natural sphere of influence is pretty small. And so, we need to expand that by being relationally present in secular places. Again, this is that missionary mindset. And so, the idea is, “What could we do?” Well, go to – it’s places like hobbies where are the places that I could go, hobbies that I can be part of where I can develop relationships with secular people that wouldn’t walk into a church?

The other are causes. Causes are actually awesome ways to connect, because causes inherently suggest that people want to be part of something bigger than themselves and that they believe the world is not as it ought to be and they want to make it better. I mean, those are biblical truths that we can actually connect with someone on, even if they don’t follow Jesus.

And then lastly it’s places or events. Right? So it’s public places where people hang out: parks, bars, gyms. Maybe it’s events like festivals where you can go and you can develop authentic relationships. Again, the big paradigm shift here is this just doesn’t happen organically, right? This is God saying to you, “I want you to be a missionary in your city. And part of being a good missionary is you go where the people are in order to develop authentic relationships. And you go there and you develop real relationships with them.”

Now, a couple, some key wisdom to, especially when you’re going to places that are either kind of spiritually dark or there’s maybe some issues like if there’s alcohol and you’re got a history with, you know, alcohol abuse – the key here is there needs to be wisdom in going. You need to be clear about your motivation, why you’re going. And who is doing the influencing? And the other key thing about this is generally you don’t want to do this alone. One of the things, my big challenge is in this is that this should not be an individual sport, this should be a team sport.

And what is cool about doing this with a group of people is that they actually, first of all, we are gifted differently. We bring different strengths and giftings to the group. But also, there are moments when I am weak or when I’m not feeling particularly brave or courageous. But then I, if I’m going with someone else it’s like working out. When I know someone else is going to be there that I said I’d be there with, I show up. Right? So doing this together is good because it keeps you motivated, it keeps you going, but it also keeps you safe so that you’re not being influenced by the scene, you’re influencing the world. So find others that you can do this with and it makes for a really cool thing to do together.

So, the key thing in all of this is that this cannot just be human. This has got to be Spirit led. We need to ask the Holy Spirit to lead and direct our path to the right person, to a person of peace, that, that, and to give us supernatural favor. So often when we are doing outreach I’ll say, “Lord, just lead me to one person that You want me to connect with.” And so, you’ll end up connecting with a person of peace who is open to the gospel, but if you, but also has influence in their scene, who is able to draw you into their world and build the connection in their world. And so, you’re able to draw and actually connect with far more people.

But the key point here is this is not just a natural thing. This is a supernatural leading of the Holy Spirit to the right person at the right time. So, as you say, “Okay, Lord, I’m going to start, I’m going to reshape my lifestyle and I’m going to intentionally go to places in order to develop relationships with people who wouldn’t walk into a church, Lord, would You lead me to the right person at the right time?” And you do that and He will lead you.

Alright, so a couple of principles, now that you’ve done it and you’re in it, you’re engaging this scene. A couple key, basic principles.

First of all, like, relax when you’re engaging in secular places. Be yourself, have fun, don’t be so uptight. Sometimes, like, whoa. You know, when you have that missionary mindset, sometimes that comes with being a little uptight and also trying to force it.

So, be patient. Don’t feel the need to make something happen. It goes back to the point I just said earlier, which is allow the Spirit to direct you to the right person at the right time. Have a long-term view of it. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Sometimes it’s awkward. We’re all awkward. And most people are not worried about you; they’re worried about themselves, right? They don’t even see you, frankly. So, don’t worry about it too much.

Try to have fun, because joy is contagious. Well, a person in my world that is so good at this is Serena. It’s one of the leaders at our Minneapolis team. Her joy draws people, right?

Like, we were doing an outreach during the George Floyd times. We were doing an outreach right where that happened. And there was this couple. And I saw them, because I was praying, “Lord, lead me,” and I saw them and they were really kind of cool looking, edgy, and I was like, “I’d really like to talk to them but I’m not quite brave enough to do it.” So, I was like, “Serena! I want to talk to those people.” So, she just comes bounding up to them and was like, “Hey! You guys are cool! We should talk!” And, boom! We were talking.

And so, it wasn’t that complicated for her. And so, the point is, like, that joy is contagious. And, again, also the whole point of a team, right? If you’ve got those people, use them. That’s what I do. So, have fun, relax, be yourself.

Second thing is harness the incredible power of asking questions and listening. One of the most powerful expressions of love is to listen. It’s again, it’s one of the simplest and most powerful expressions of love that you can exhibit to someone is to really listen and ask questions.

So, the principle when it comes to this is three things or three steps to doing it right. Number one, listen. Number two, ask questions. Number three, listen.

And then, again, the idea here is don’t make assumptions. We put people in boxes just about how they look, right? So, the idea of listening and asking questions, don’t make assumptions about them. Really listen. Try to understand them. Learn their real, raw story. Everyone is going through stuff, right? Everyone is – filtered reality looks good, but in true reality, there’s stuff I’m going through.

So, learn their real story. And what is amazing is people will tell you their real stories. Going back to that story with Serena and those two people, we connected with them, we sat down right in the middle of the George Floyd thing and just talked for hours. And they shared stories deep, vulnerable stories of brokenness so quickly. People are really hungry to share their stories.

And then, again, really try to understand their perspective. And one of the easiest things, when someone says something that you don’t agree with, just, like, “How did you come to believe that?” Really understand. And oftentimes two things happen. When you understand how they came to believe, you understand the real issue plus you have a love for them and an empathy for them that you might not have had before.

So really try to understand what they believe and remember, empathy is not the same as agreeing or affirming. Sometimes we are so afraid to, like, listen and understand someone whose view is totally out of alignment with the Bible, but it’s okay. That is not the same as agreeing or affirming. Remember that. And then find common ground and genuine ways to affirm someone.

We are going to talk about this more during the spiritual conversations idea, but there’s always things that you can affirm in someone, because whether they are following Jesus or not, they are made in the image of God and there are things about them that God has designed that you can begin to call out and to affirm. And that is, like, water to a desert for secular people who are not hearing those words of affirmation.

So, the principle here is how are we going to build relationships with secular people?

My challenge to you is this: Ask God to highlight. Spend some time alone seeking the Lord and ask God to highlight one person in your oikos that you will actively pursue for a deeper relationship.

Like, who…or, like, again, don’t just pick someone. Like, seek the Lord and say, “Lord, who is it in my family, at my work, in my neighborhood,” whatever, the people that are already in my sphere of influence, “who do You want me to actively pursue for a deeper relationship?”

And then the second one, ask God for one place, one place – a hobby, cause, or place – where you will be relationally present, intentionally, in order to develop new relationships with secular people. That’s my challenge for you to take away from this time.