How to Come to Grips with the Real You, Part 1

Well, there are not a lot of things that psychologists and theologians agree on a hundred percent. But psychologists and theologians all agree that from the time we’re very small, actually, until the day we die, we begin to consciously or unconsciously try to ask and answer three questions. Question number one: Who am I? Question number two: Where do I belong? And question number three: What am I supposed to do? These are the issues about identity, about security, and significance.

And we are on a journey. You saw it. It’s about becoming a Romans 12 Christian, or True Spirituality. And at the end of the day, we can call it all kinds of different things, but Jesus made it very clear: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, with all your strength; and love your neighbor like yourself.” And in Romans chapter 12, it just gives us a snapshot of what an authentic follower of Jesus looks like in everyday life.

And so in terms of loving God, he says: How do you love God? What does God want the most? He wants you and me, all that we are, all that we have, surrendered to Him. And then realizing that it’s a battle and the world system wants to seduce our heart away from our Savior. He wants us to be separate from the world’s values.

Well, now we’re going to move from verse 1 and verse 2 to verse 3 through 8. And here what we’re going to learn is: How do you come to grips with the real you? How do you look in the mirror, not just physically, but in the mirror of your soul, come to grips with who you really are, and say, I’m fearfully and wonderfully made. I matter. God has a plan for me. I’m not too short; I’m not too tall. I have the right personality. I have the right gifts. I don’t need to be like anyone else.

Here’s the fact of the matter: Most of us, most people in all the earth, spend a great majority of their time and energy trying to be like someone else or wishing they were someone else.

And so we dress like someone else, we act like someone else, we have all these different models. And we spend all of our energy and time trying to be a copy of something that’s not nearly as attractive as the one unique person out of the almost seven billion people on this planet that have a unique DNA that’s yours.

And you’re made exactly like you were made by the Creator of all of life, because He’s got a plan for you, and He’s gifted you, and He wants to do something great in you, and then something significant through you.

So we’re going to roll up our sleeves and we’re going to ask and answer the question: How do you come to grips with the real you? So open your teaching notes, if you will, and let’s jump into those three questions.

Question number one: Who am I? What’s our identity? You’re always asking this question. And by the way, for those of you who are parents, so are your kids.

The second big question we’re always asking: Where do I belong? This is about security. Every person is made by the God of the universe to need to belong, to need to understand who you really are. And we go about it in some ways, sometimes, that are very dysfunctional. In fact, sometimes very dangerous.

The third question we’re asking is: Why am I here? What am I supposed to do? It’s fundamental. It’s so fundamental and so overwhelming, sometimes we blow past this one. When is the last time you actually stopped and said, Why am I on this planet? What is the meaning of life for me?

A big part of the whole midlife crisis is people looking in the rearview mirror and going, “I’ve not only not asked that question, when I start thinking about it very deeply, I don’t like the answer because I not only don’t know, but I haven’t given much energy or time or track record to what I think probably matters most.”

Now, before you get too down on yourself, right? Because, honestly, those are big, aren’t they? Those are so big, isn’t it interesting the biggest issues in life you can sort of shove down because they’re so hard to answer. It’s like, Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, who here would say, “Who am I really and where do I belong and what am I supposed to do? Come on, Chip, would you get to something serious?” Right? There are no bigger questions than that, and yet the great majority of people have not thought deeply or could give you good clear answers to that.

But let me tell you why. Let me explain why those are so hard to answer. Turn in your notes to page two. Something happened, something happened to our first parents that we’ve inherited from them that make these three questions very hard to answer. That’s why the world has such a pull on us. It’s why we settle for lots of superficial answers to those things, knowing down deep in our soul they don’t really satisfy.

The passage is Genesis chapter 3. The context is the cosmic coup has occurred. The most loving Being, the most generous Being, the Giver of all life, the Creator of the universe, Yahweh God, has created mankind and told them that, All that I have and everything’s available. There’s only one small limitation: Don’t eat from that tree.

And our parents, first by deception, then by act of the will, it was a coup, it was a rebellion, and sin entered the world. The theologians call it “the fall of man.” And we pick up the story and we find out what happened. And as we pick up the story, you’ll discover why for you and me, it’s really hard to answer those questions well.

“They heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden.” That’s the first time this has ever happened.

They ran to meet Him. They lived in a perfect environment. They were naked emotionally, they were naked spiritually, they were naked physically. Some theologians think there was radiation of light that came out from them before the fall even. There was absolute complete intimacy with God, intimacy and vulnerability with one another, unconditional acceptance. Life was perfect.

And now they hear God coming, and for the first time, they hide. “Then the Lord God called to the man and said to him, ‘Where are you?’” By the way, this is not an informational question. This is diagnostic. God knew where he was. He’s going to ask a series of questions to help Adam discover where he’s really at. Adam said, “I heard the sound of You in the garden. I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid myself.”

If you’ve got a pen, will you pull it out and circle afraid, naked, and hid? That’ll come back later. You’re going to find there’s a relational pattern in that that you have and I have and every human being has.

And God said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I’ve commanded you not to eat?” And so he’s going to answer God, and it’s very interesting if you happen to be his wife, this is not a good moment. What you’re going to learn is you can’t trust this guy.

For the first time ever, what you’re going to learn, when the pressure comes, what he’s going to do, instead of own his stuff and be a man, he’s going to be passive and he’s going to blame you.

And so Eve is probably standing there, knowing the whole story, and she’s going to hear her husband say to God, “The woman that You gave me to be with me, she gave me from the tree and I ate it.” Translation: It’s not my fault, it’s her fault, and by the way, You’re the one who gave her to me.” So let’s do the math: Not me, it’s her, it’s Your fault really, God.

And so God moves on with the progression of diagnostic questions. “Then the Lord God said to the woman, ‘What is this that you have done?’” And the woman, being a very quick study, says, “The serpent deceived me and I ate.” In other words, It’s not my fault either. It’s the serpent’s fault, and who made this garden and who made serpents?

And you know what, all the problems in life are God’s. Isn’t it interesting a lot hasn’t changed? When there’s a tragedy, when there’s a difficulty, when something happens in the world, isn’t it interesting, as human beings, what I always hear is: How could God let this happen? How come every single day – listen, how could God let me breathe? How could God give me this? We don’t list every good thing that He’s ever done, but if anything goes wrong, I’ll tell you what, right?

Three obstacles you’ll see in this passage about why it’s so hard to come to grips with the real you, first is fear rooted in shame. Notice he says, “I was afraid.” Well, why? “I was afraid,” because now for the first time ever Adam realizes he’s naked. And of course, it’s physical, but well, well beyond that, he realizes is he’s exposed. What he realizes, when he meets the eyes of someone who sees absolutely perfect through everything, he doesn’t measure up.

There’s a self-consciousness that has occurred. And could I tell you that this is how we relate to God often and this is how we relate to one another? The primary means of relating to other human beings and God is fear, and it’s rooted in shame.

And so we relate to one another in fear and spend an inordinate amount of energy posing and image-managing. And since we’re not sure who we really are, we want to be liked by other people, so I call them personality holograms.

Because of your background, and your gifts, and the part of the country you grew up in, and all these factors, somewhere along the line, you learned that people in certain groups like this, and so you learn to act like that, and dress like that, and need to drive that, and your kids need to go to this school. And you have all these things that somehow, someway, if all that is lined up, because you get affirmation from that. You get approval from that. You’re admired by people.

Here’s the problem: What you know is this hologram that you’re projecting of this person that has it kind of together and is loving and is kind and is a good whatever. You know down deep in your soul that really doesn’t represent all of you let alone a lot of the real you.

And even when people love the hologram, you don’t get loved because you know that’s not you. And that’s why we find some of the people that are most beautiful and the most successful, and we find them doing things that we scratch our head and say, “How could someone that has all the things we all long for kill themselves or destroy their life with an addiction?” It’s that discrepancy in their soul. It’s fear rooted in shame.

Notice the second thing that happens. Not only did they say, “I was afraid,” he says “hiding” – rooted in insecurity. See, when you’re naked, you feel insecure. You feel inadequate. And so you hide. Not only are we afraid, but I hide the real me from you, and you hide the real you from others and from God.

Isn’t it amazing when you don’t feel like praying, especially if you, down deep feel that low-grade guilt in your soul? Maybe it’s not really big sins, but the little ones start adding up and you just don’t feel very motivated to pray.

I don’t know about you, but what I realize is, I don’t want to go talk to God right now because I know how this is going to go. Right? He’s going to cause me to be honest, expose me for who I am, and I don’t like that. And so I play this game, like, Well, if I don’t really talk to Him very deeply right now, He doesn’t really know.

But don’t you do that with your mates, those of you who are married? Don’t you do it with your roommates? Don’t you do that with your best friends? Don’t we play that game? We have fear that’s rooted in shame, and then we hide in our insecurity.

And can I tell you something? Here’s a great little message to learn. This is a freedom message for me. Everyone on the earth is desperately insecure.

And you cover it one way, I cover it one way, some people cover it with what they’ve done and their performance and their success, and other people with their story that they tell. But you know what? It’s called “the fall.” And you relate and I relate by hiding. And we hide because we’re insecure.

The third relational implication and why it’s so hard to answer these questions is blaming rooted in denial. The man says, “It’s the woman.” The woman says, “It’s the serpent.” But ultimately, they both, they blame God. Now, before we go on, because we’re going to talk about Romans chapter 12, verses 3 through 8, is actually going to help you discover – the tipping point of discovering who you are, where you belong, and what you’re supposed to do.

Verse 3 will tell us in just a minute who you are, verses 4 and 5 will say where you belong, and verses 6 through 8 will be the beginning of you getting really clear on your role and what you’re supposed to do.

But I want to tell you a follow-up story, because it’s one thing to say, Okay, everyone’s desperately insecure. What do you do with that?

It must have been ten, fifteen years later and I’m on this journey, in fact, on a 3x5 card, I wrote shortly after that, just my desire cards to renew my mind: Lord, I long to be more authentic in every relationship by Your power and Your grace.

And I was invited to, I found out later, a very exclusive dinner. It’s called the National Religious Broadcasters, and they had probably the top, maybe, twenty or thirty communicators in America with their wives, and these people put on this dinner. And I had no idea. Like, we’re on ten stations, or I don’t know. It was not, I mean, Chuck Swindoll is on every station, has written twenty-five or thirty books, and he’s the voice of America. And still going strong.

And so I come to this dinner with my wife. It made when I was intimidated before seem like just baby steps. And so of all things, they go around and they have a little nameplate. And so I sit down, and the nameplate next to me is Chuck Swindoll. And I’m going, “Oh, no.”

And so I have time and I’m sitting there, for me too, I’m from California and I’ve got a tie on and a coat, and I’m totally uncomfortable just in how I’m dressed. And it’s real fancy and it’s in a real fancy place. And he sits down, I sit down. I’m sitting there thinking, What am I going to do? Because I’m not thinking I’m insecure. I’m feeling very insecure.

And so I go through my mind about, How should I do this? Maybe I’ll take the, “Hey, Chuck, how’s it going, man?” Nah, I don’t think that’ll work. How about the real, “Excuse me, Dr. Swindoll, how’s the ministry going?” Nah, I don’t think that’ll work. Literally! Don’t you all do this, like, What am I going to do in this situation?

And I remembered this: Everyone’s desperately insecure. I can’t really believe he is, but I’m thinking the Bible’s true. So I just thought, I’m going to keep applying what I’ve been learning. And I tapped him on the shoulder, he turned, said, “Excuse me, Mr. Swindoll, this is my first time here, and I just have to tell you, I’m way over my head. This is very intimidating. We’re not on very many stations. I don’t not only know how to act; I don’t know how to do this whole broadcasting thing. Could you give me a couple of tips?”

And I’ll never forget, he pulled back his chair, put his arm around me like this, we got back, “Chip, call me Chuck.” And for the next half hour, he began to explain the journey.

And then for the next six or seven years, I went to that dinner, “Chip, come here.” And he would kind of say, “Well, tell me what’s happening,” and then he would coach me. And why? I could have posed. I could have said, “Do you understand? We were only on one station. We’re on seven stations now. What do you think? Oh, yeah, worldwide, well, that’s pretty good.”

But do you understand what happens when you take off your mask and you’re just real and you’re honest with where you’re really at? Do you know what it is? You know who’s coming out? The most attractive person on the planet that God made: The real you.

Now, look in your notes because here’s what I want, I want to take you on a journey to the beginning points of discovering who you really are, where you really belong, and then what you’re supposed to do.

God’s answer to the dysfunctional pattern of hiding, and shame, and fear, and denial is this: Who are you?” Verse 3, “For by the grace of God given to me, I say to everyone among you, do not think of yourself more highly than you ought to think, but rather, think of yourself with sober judgment in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.”

If you have that pen, pull it out, underline the word think, then when you get to “then you ought,” underline the word ought. “But rather think,” underline the word think. And then underline sober judgment.

So you have think, ought, think, and sober judgment. You underlined ought because in the original language, it’s how you ought to think, but as they translated it for just a smoother reading, they omitted that word.

The same root word: think, think, think, and sober judgment, is all the same root word. The words sober judgment gives us the best idea. It’s: Don’t think of yourself like someone who’s drunk. When a person’s drunk, what do they do? There’s an external influence that gets inside of them that causes them to look at life in a way that’s not accurate.

So he says, “Don’t be drunk by the world system, don’t be drunk by whatever we think, don’t be drunk by what your family tells you.” You need to have a sober self-assessment. You need to think accurately about yourself. That’s the first command.

You need to come to the point where physically, relationally, spiritually, emotionally, your soul, you can look in the actual mirror and say, “I’m fearfully and wonderfully made.”

And come to the point where, these are my strengths, these are my weaknesses God-given, this is how He’s given me, but where you think accurately about yourself. Notice, “Don’t think too highly of yourself, don’t think too lowly of yourself, but to think of a sober or accurate judgment.”

And then this little phrase. Notice it says, “According to the measure of faith that God’s given you.”

Newell, in his commentary on Romans, really puts it well. He says, “Faith in this situation is not a subjective faith.” In other words, it’s not faith in Christ; it’s the faith. He says, “It’s the standard by which we’re to evaluate ourselves. This objective faith is the Biblical view of ourselves. It’s who you are in Christ. It’s how God has gifted you. It’s understanding His plan for you.” It’s like the first three chapters of Ephesians.

It’s: You need to see yourself as loved, adopted, sealed by the spirit. You have a purpose. You’re His workmanship.