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How to Build Friendships that Last a Lifetime

From the series Love One Another

Chip wraps up this series examining, from God’s Word, how to build friendships that last forever.

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Message Transcript

Let me ask you, what would it be worth to you to build intimate relationships that are really authentic and they would last your whole life? What would that be worth to you?

In fact, let me push it one more. What would it be worth to you in dollars, right now, if you knew the moment you died all your extended family, brothers, sisters, all your kids had authentic, deep, loving relationships and were really connected and that after you died, things were going to go well? I mean, in dollars, what would that be worth to you? It would be worth a bunch, wouldn’t it?

On the very last night Jesus was on the earth, that was His heart’s desire. His family, especially the twelve, eleven of the twelve, that after He left they would be connected, they would be authentic, they would be deep. He knew that everything He had lived for, and the next day He was going to die, He knew it all hinged on whether they had deep, authentic, lasting friendships for a lifetime. And so He gives us the secret to how to have those. And you can know it.

On the front of your teaching handout I put this phrase. It’s unknown in its origin, at least to me, but it’s, “There is no limit to what God will do if we don’t care who gets the credit.” There is no limit to what God will do, not can do, if we don’t care who gets the credit.

And in that statement, we are going to learn this morning, is the secret of lasting, authentic relationships.

See, what we’re going to look at is a quick snapshot and we’re going to see the last night of Christ’s life with His close disciples. And in that, we are going to get a command to obey. He gives it to them and then later the apostle Paul gives it to us: Honor one another. It means “to esteem,” it means “to recognize,” it means “to value,” it means “to let other people have the limelight,” it means to take your position and your power and all that you are in order to lift up other people, let them be recognized.

Honoring others above ourselves is the acid test of how much we really love one another.

All those “one anothers” that we have heard about? This is sort of the pinnacle. This one cannot be faked. Those others have to be operating but this is the test, the acid test, of how much you love other believers and how much I love other believers.

John 13, follow along as I read the first five verses. “It was just before the Passover Feast, and Jesus knew that the time had come for Him to leave this world and go to the Father, having loved His own who were in the world, now, tonight, He showed them the full extent of His love.

“The evening meal was being served, and the devil had already prompted Judas Iscariot, son of Simon, to betray Jesus. Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under His power, and that He had come from God and was returning to God, so,” since He knew those three things, all things under His power, He came from God and He’s going to God, since He knew, notice the application, “so He got up from the meal, took off His outer clothing, and He wrapped a towel around His waist.

“After that He poured water into a basin and He began to wash His disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around Him.” Now, if you have never read or been exposed to the New Testament, you might be thinking, “Well, this is unusual. I guess that’s, maybe that’s how they did it back then.” Huh-uh. Let me give you a little background so you understand what’s going on here.

When you would go into a room, they would have a large basin, sometimes three or four feet high, actually, and it would have water in it. And there would be a little bowl and there would be a towel.

And there are about three or four levels of servants in the New Testament culture. A bondservant, or the lowest of the servants, this was his job. The lowest of the low.

And when you would walk in, your feet would be dusty and it was not only cultural but it was a sanitary issue. And so then they would wipe your feet and dry them off.

The other thing about this is as you would come in this room, there was a low table and they would eat around a low table, ancient Near East, and there would be pillows around, and you would lean with these pillows and you could talk to one another, but that also meant that certain people’s feet were near other people’s face.

So, this idea of washing your feet was not just like a cultural deal. It was like, you know, “You clean your feet, I’ll enjoy my meal.” So, here’s the situation: The twelve are walking in and they have been sent ahead on purpose. As you read the other gospels, they had an argument on the way.

What a discouraging thought for a teacher. You have been teaching these guys three years, they’ve seen the miracles, they have seen You raise people from the dead, they have heard all the sermons You’ve ever given, and on the last night You are with them, what are they doing? They are arguing about what? Who is number one? I mean, they are just at each other’s throats!

And so they walk in after this argument about who is the most honored, who should be recognized, who should everyone else look up to? That’s what honor is all about.

And they walk in and then it’s a familiar scene, they’re going to have the Passover meal, they know all about the story, but there’s no servant. Well, these guys are so arrogant, they not only don’t wash their own feet, they don’t wash each other’s. And you know the dynamic of the room must have been just incredible.

The first guy walks in, “Hey, no servant.” He’s got a decision to make. “Am I going to do my own? No, I’ll wait for one of the lower level disciples to come in and take care of me.” Right?

Well, he waits and no one gets it. One, two, three, four, five, six, twelve. Now, they are all sitting around this table, they all know what’s going on. And their pride is being revealed by what’s between their toes.

Now, Jesus, being very secure, not needing position, not needing power, not needing a title realized… see, the sign of a good teacher is that people learn. It’s not how well you say something. And His goal was that they would learn.

He is going to give them the most powerful snapshot, I believe, they ever received. Because they knew who He was. And He did something that was just outlandish to them. So much so that one of them, the ringleader Peter, he was absolutely humiliated when there was only person that they all knew shouldn’t wash anybody’s feet. And that was - Jesus. And He got up and did it.

He was honoring them above Himself. The acid test of your love toward other believers, where the encouraging, the admonishing, the devotion to one another, you know where it comes out? Where it comes out on the street level for you and for me is when we honor others above ourselves.

The slice of pie that we deserve, the limelight that we deserve, the recognition that we deserve, the attention that we deserve – you willfully step back and you give that to someone else. Jesus said He was revealing the full extent of His love.

Well, He moves now from the example to the teaching time. Notice verse 12, we pick it up, “When He had finished washing their feet He put on His clothes and He returned to His place,” I bet you could hear a pin drop.

Now, can you imagine being there and you’re thinking, “Oh man.” It’s not like they haven’t heard this message before. “‘Do you understand what I have done for you?’ He asked.” Translation: “Guys, do you get it? I mean, do you get it at all?”

“You call Me Teacher and Lord,” He is identifying His position, “and rightly so, for that is what I am.” He wasn’t disputing the fact, “Am I above you? Absolutely.” Rabbi, Teacher, esteemed position in that day. “And I am Lord, Master, esteemed! You got it right, guys.”

“Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s.”

“Since I have taken My position and My power in order to honor you above Myself, I just set an example and now I am telling you this is the way we followers of Yahweh treat one another. This is the new Church. How we treat one another inside God’s Church, God’s body, the body of Christ, this is how we function.” Why? Because this is how our leader showed us to function.

You use your position and your power and your wherewithal to wash other people’s feet. Translation: To honor them. “I have set an example, that you should do as I have done for you.” Not an example so that you should know it, not an example so you should memorize it, not an example so you could tell the story.

This is an example for real, live Christians of every age to actually do it. I mean, this is counterculture for them and for us.

He goes on, “I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him.” They all agree with that. Now get this, verse 17, “Now that you know these things, you will be blessed, you will be happy, you will find joy, you will find fulfillment, real satisfaction comes,” how? “if you do them.”

Now, what I’d like to do is give you some observations about this, He has just given us a snapshot. He has now given us some teaching. Do you want to have lifelong relationships, do you want to have relationships that will be deep and authentic and last? Then listen to these five observations and He’s going to give us the secret of how to have those kind of relationships.

Observation number one, honoring others is motivated by, I get it right out of verse 1, love. See, something has to happen in your heart. I don’t know about you but if I would have walked in the room and I would have known, as Jesus did, that these guys are arguing about who is being the greatest, and I knew that tomorrow morning they are going to nail me on a cross, I believe I would have lined the guys up and said, “You know what? I’m up to here. I’m ready to check out. You haven’t listened to a single message I’ve got. I am sick of this kind of behavior.”

I wouldn’t have reproved them gently. But He did. He wasn’t down on them. He understood them just like He understands you. And He showed the full extent by giving them - we hate this, don’t we - what they don’t deserve.

I don’t know about you, the only person I want to get what they don’t deserve is me.

Jesus didn’t give justice. He was motivated by love. Few things are as hard to give up as our position, control, esteem, and ego to voluntarily serve others. But according to this passage, that’s how He revealed the full extent of His love.

I would have thought, “Oh, the full extent must have been the teaching, it must have been the miracles, it must have been the counseling sessions.” Uh-uh. According to Jesus, the way we express the full extent of our love to other people is when we honor them. Not even equal to, but above ourselves.

The second observation is security in God’s plan allows us to choose downward mobility. Did you notice that’s what He did? Now, humanly speaking He is Lord and Teacher. But beyond humanly speaking, this is the Son of God, fully God, fully man. He spent time in eternity before this being worshipped by angels.

And He not only became downwardly mobile and was born in a little stall of a teenaged girl, walked upon the planet, but now, His last night, they should have been throwing a party for Him and telling Him how great He was! But, see, the way God works it is great leadership is not working your way up to the top until you get to call the shots. God takes that pyramid and He flips it upside down and He says, “The greatest leaders are servants.” People who use their power and position to leverage it to love other people.

Why did He do that? Did you notice verse 3? Why could Jesus do that? And why don’t we? Well, why don’t I? I don’t know that you’re not. Did you notice in verse 3, He knew three things. He knew God had given all authority, all power into His hands, He knew where He came from, and He knew His certain future. He knew where He was going.

You know what that produces? It produces security.

See, you can become downwardly mobile. The reason I don’t want to be downwardly mobile and most of you, is because we are insecure.

See, we long to be the one in the limelight, we long to be the person esteemed, we long to be recognized because down deep we think that makes us a someone.

But, see, Jesus was secure, He knew who He was, He knew where He was going, that gave Him the freedom to be downwardly mobile and use His power and His position to love people instead of using those things as badges to tell people He was okay. Do you see the difference?

See, once you understand God’s plan, who you are in Christ, once you understand you’re going to land in heaven, once you understand what other people think about all those external things don’t mean a thing, then you’re free.

I was with a man who is dying. And the next day I spent with Paul, he just had cancer surgery, it came through the colon wall. It’s in a couple of the lymph glands.

Isn’t it amazing, with both those people, amazing thing, we didn’t have any conversations about what titles they had. We weren’t discussing what year, make, model, or benefit packages they had. Net worth never came up in conversation, how many people report to them or where they have been, what they have done, and who they have impressed never came up.

You know what came up? We have learned there are very few things in life that are important. And the things that are have to do with relationships.”

See, that’s what Jesus knew. See, when you know God’s plan, you’re secure. And what people think of you doesn’t matter. It allows you to be downwardly mobile.

Third, honoring others begins in a very unique place. It begins with humility.

Philippians 2 beginning at verse 5, the apostle Paul writes, inspired by the Holy Spirit, “Your attitude, believers, should be the same as that of Christ Jesus,” well, what attitude are you talking about? He describes it, verse 6, “[W]ho being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.

“And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself,” downwardly mobile, “and He became obedient to death, even death on a cross.” See, Jesus is going to teach, when Jesus left, He had lifetime friendships for now and for eternity. And He’s going to teach something: Honoring one another above ourselves is the acid test of how much we love people.

So He says, “You want to see, in your culture, in your time in human flesh, what it looks like to honor you,” and He does the lowest servant’s job to the people who all knew they should be doing it for Him. But long before that, the apostle Paul says, “Let me give you a better picture. Let me give you a bigger picture.”

He said, “For eternity past, in heaven, the Triune God, Father, Son, Holy Spirit, perfect relationship, perfect equality, unapproachable light streaming from them before the throne of God, and there is myriads and myriads and myriads and myriads and myriads of angels of all kinds and they are singing, “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty. Heaven and earth are full of Your glory.”

And Isaiah says that some of the seraphim cover their eyes with two wings because He is so holy, and with two wings they cover their feet. And with the other two they flap. And this honor, majesty, praise to - who? God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.

In the midst of all that honor, the first step toward your salvation was humility like we never have known. That One who is the object of all worship was born in the stall of a teenage girl to become fully God, fully man, to make the incarnate Christ because when God looked down the portals of time, He saw you and you and you and you and you and you and me and He said, “I love you.”

And the acid test of my love is to honor you above myself. He experienced the ridicule of being a poor child, the ridicule of being a bastard child because they understood that she was pregnant before the marriage, the ridicule of coming from a place called Nazareth where people said, “Nothing good comes out of Nazareth!” The ridicule of being spit upon, beaten, and nailed naked to a cross.

Why? Because He loves you, that’s why. Because He loves you. Do you begin to understand why when you honor others like that, that extreme, that kind of love, that kind of sacrifice, people are attracted to you, people want to be around you?
How we treat one another inside God’s Church, God’s body, the body of Christ, this is how we function.” Why? Because this is how our leader showed us to function.

You use your position and your power and your wherewithal to wash other people’s feet. Translation: To honor them. “I have set an example, that you should do as I have done for you.” Not an example so that you should know it, not an example so you should memorize it, not an example so you could tell the story.

This is an example for real, live Christians of every age to actually do it. I mean, this is counterculture for them and for us.

He goes on, “I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him.” They all agree with that. Now get this, verse 17, “Now that you know these things, you will be blessed, you will be happy, you will find joy, you will find fulfillment, real satisfaction comes,” how? “if you do them.”

Now, what I’d like to do is give you some observations about this, He has just given us a snapshot. He has now given us some teaching. Do you want to have lifelong relationships, do you want to have relationships that will be deep and authentic and last? Then listen to these five observations and He’s going to give us the secret of how to have those kind of relationships.

Observation number one, honoring others is motivated by, I get it right out of verse 1, love.

The second observation is security in God’s plan allows us to choose downward mobility.

Third, honoring others begins in a very unique place. It begins with humility.

The fourth observation is that position and power are stewardships for service. We think position and power are rewards you get. We think they are the honor. In fact, it’s interesting, you study this word in the early Greek language, the word “honor” is tied with material possessions so closely; you can’t distinguish them.

Now, the word began to evolve in its usage and then later on, how many gifts or how many possessions you gave were how much you honored people.

By the time of Plato, it began to emerge that there were moral conduct and virtues, character that you should be honored for and by the time the word is used in the New Testament, we have thoughts of honoring your parents as in the Old Testament, and honoring the poor, and honoring your wife, and honoring the elderly, and esteeming others because of their position that God has given them, and their value.

What we need to understand is that Jesus is teaching the key to lifelong friendships for His followers is that God gave you position and God gave you power for serving others. And you say, “Well, I don’t have much position. I mean, I don’t have any power.” Oh yes you do! You don’t have to run a Fortune 500 company to have position and power.

I would guarantee there is a group of people who you highly influence. There’s a group of people that think highly of you. There’s a group of people that what you say, what you do, how you live – it influences all their thinking. You know what that’s called? Position and power.

Now, for some it’s in business, for some it’s at home, for some it’s your kids, for some it’s your network here, for some it’s your neighbors, for some it’s your extended family.

But whatever level of position and power that comes with your savvy, your background, your experience, your looks, your money, your whatever you have, God has given that to you for one reason: To leverage it to serve other people.

A little while earlier, about two or three Mondays ago, I had a chance, a fellow who visits our church, doesn’t live in this area, we have gotten to know each other, and he is connected with a group of people called The Pinnacle Forum in Arizona. And their vision statement is to reach the top one percent of all executives in the state of Arizona.

So, they are a group of men that have high influence and are CEOs of major companies, and they are believers. And they want God to leverage their position and power to make a big difference.

And this guy said, “They are going to be at a retreat at Pebble Beach.” And I thought, “Boy, now, that’s a good place to have a retreat if you’re going to have one.” You know?

And then he said, “They are looking for someone to give them a little challenge, you know, someone to raise the bar a little bit that God would really use them. And they’re going to do some strategic planning. Would you like to go speak to them?” And I thought, “Well, I’ve been praying about stuff like that. ‘God, whatever.’” So, I said, “Yeah, I’ll give that a whirl.”

So, I got with the staff and I said, “We really need to pray. This is a great opportunity, number one, and number two, I’m afraid. So, here’s what we need to pray: One, pray that I won’t be intimidated because these are high-powered people. Pray, number two, that I won’t try to impress them because I am insecure. Pray, number three, that I’ll really be bold and tell them what God wants me to say and not worry about what they think. And pray, number four, that I will in no way toot our horn, or my horn, and try and use this in any way other than to serve them.”

And I walked out of there and just the Spirit of God confirmed in my heart, “Boy, God answered my prayer.” And I walked into this little room and they had a long table and a fireplace and they were served privately and I got a good meal out of the deal, it was pretty cool, really.

And on my right was the CEO of the DOW Corporation and then on the left was the guy who owns a portion of the Green Bay Packers, and next to him was a guy who owns a major portion of the Phoenix Suns.

And for reasons I don’t know, I was just relaxed. And then I got the chance to talk. And I walked through Nehemiah chapter 1 and Nehemiah chapter 2 and if you know that story, it’s about a man who got great position and great power right next to the king, and yet he was a Jew in the Persian Empire.

And all of God’s people, the walls [of Jerusalem] were burnt and the gates were broken down, but God had a plan. And the whole nation [of Israel] were going down the tubes. And God took Nehemiah and He used his position and power to serve them, risk his life, he went before the king, the entire history, the entire history of God’s people changed because of one man who saw his position and power not as, “How do I get comfortable and I deserve this,” but saw it as a stewardship.

And so I just, by the grace of God, said to those guys, “You know something? You got a lot of wherewithal, and you got a lot of money, you got a lot of savvy, and God didn’t give it to you so you could be comfortable. He gave it to you to make a difference in this world. Don’t do something small for God.

“There’s enough grey matter in this room and probably enough dollars that if you wanted to do something magnificent for God, you could. And I want to tell you that I believe you are the Nehemiahs of your generation and God will hold you accountable for how you steward the position, the power, and the wealth.”

And when I say that, all of us think, “Yeah, I wish those rich people would really get with it, huh?” Huh? And down deep below that we say, “You know, if God ever gave me a million dollars, boy, would I use it for the Lord.” If you’re not using what you have for the Lord, you wouldn’t use a million dollars for the Lord either.

God is never looking for what you would do someday with more time, what you would do someday with more money, or what you would do someday with more spiritual gift. He has this law of progression of faithfulness. And the question He is asking you and me is at whatever level of position and whatever level of power you have in your network, do something great for God.

Number five observation is simply real happiness comes when we make others shine, not hog the limelight. Did you notice how Jesus did that? He served others. That’s how you honor them.

I think moms get this directly from God, I don’t know how it works, but I think they just get it directly from God. Moms sacrifice time, moms sacrifice sleep, moms sacrifice everything. And what do they rejoice in? When their kids grow up and they are healthy and they get rightly related and they have an impact. I think God just puts that in their heart because it’s so near the heart of God.

See, honoring other people means that what you really want to do is you want to see them succeed. You find your greatest joy in other people’s success. Didn’t Jesus say, “If you know these things, blessed or happy are you, if you” - what? “do them!” Do them!

See, there is no room for this ooey-gooey feeling among Christians like, “I have good thoughts toward them. I had good intentions.” It’s really wanting other people to get the credit.

See, when you honor other people, when you let them have the limelight, only deficit thinkers think if you give a slice of the pie away, there will be less for you. No, no, no, no, no, no! That’s worldly thinking!

You need to be a developmental thinker. When you give what is “rightfully yours,” “because you deserve the credit,” “because you got the position,” “because you got the parking spot,” “because it was your idea” – when you give that away and let someone else shine in it, God gives you new pie. That’s multiplying thinking. That’s how God does it.

What are we saying here? We’re saying that if you want lasting relationships, authentic relationships, in your family, in the church, if you want to get near the end of your life and have people that are connected and who love you and you have impacted, the acid test will be honoring others above yourself.

Honoring others is enjoying and celebrating the worth, success, and accomplishments of others more than my own. That’s wild, isn’t it? You can’t do that on your own, I can’t do that on my own. That’s grace. But you get into it, you’ll flourish and the people around you will flourish more.

Let me ask you a couple questions. Let’s put this into practice. How are you doing in this whole issue of honoring? What’s it look like?

In the last week, say, who have you honored above yourself? I don’t mean generically, like, “Oh, yeah, I’m sure I did somebody.” I mean, like, what’s their name? What day was it? And what specifically did you do to honor someone above yourself?

Now, some of you, something could have come right to mind, and that’s great. For a lot of us, the reason something didn’t come right to mind, we don’t do it much.

Step on my own toes here, in the midst of life and being a believer there are a lot of times we want to look like we honor people and we do a little image management and we want people to think we are more holy, more godly, more sacrificial, and more loving and more caring than we really are. But I’m not talking about that. Those are the sophisticated games that Christians play, of which we are all guilty.

I’m talking about, in your heart of hearts, you know you deserve credit and you put someone else out ahead. I’m talking about, in your heart of hearts, you really wanted something, and instead you stepped back and let someone else get what you really wanted.

Let me ask you, this will let you know how your honoring is of other people.

Question number one: Do you compliment others sincerely? Or do you find that you’re pretty critical?

Second question: Do you enjoy the success of others? I mean, in your heart of hearts, I mean, when, bang! They do something great. Is there something that wells up inside that says, “Wow! God, that is so great!” Or do you smile on the outside and say, “Oh, boy, we’re so happy for you!” And go, “Boy, how come that’s not happening to me?”

Third: Can you let others be the center of attention? Demonstrated by consistently not interrupting them when they are talking. “He who has ears to hear, let them hear, Chip.”

Four: Can you allow others to get credit even when you had a major role? Or do you slip in, “Oh, man, that was great, it was so neat what happened. And, oh, it’s fantastic. Oh, they really used my idea well. It’s funny how we are, isn’t it?

Fifth, do you feel bad, slighted, hurt, or angry when your work or service goes unnoticed? See, these questions cut through the façade of simply doing good as a Christian, of being involved as a Christian, or acting Christianly. And they cut through to the heart. They cut to your motives and my motives.

To genuinely honor other people, the way Jesus did His disciples, is the acid test of your love for them.

What happens when you honor others? Let me just summarize that there’s a paradox you need to understand. Because there’s part of you that I hope you’re at this point thinking, “I want that. I want that. I want to be that kind of person.”

But about three weeks from now or two hours from now, man, it’s hard to do this. So, what I want to do is I want to give you the results, I want to give you the big picture, I want to take the lens and let it go all the way out to the end and show you what happens when you live this way, so you can be motivated to do this day in and day out when it hurts your feelings when you’re unnoticed, it does mine. It hurts your feelings when someone else gets the credit, it does mine. That’s the human side. We struggle with it. But notice the rewards.

The great paradox of Philippians 2:9 through 11, I won’t read it but let me tell you what God did. We already read about how He humbled Himself. It says, “Therefore God highly exalted Him and gave Him a name above every name, that at the name of Jesus every tongue will confess and every knee will bow in heaven and earth and under the earth.”

God will honor those who honor others. In fact, in Matthew 23, I’ll let you study that one on your own, He talks about how religious leaders of that day, in verses 5 through 7, sought honor.

And then in verses 8 through 11 he says, “Don’t you do that, followers.” And then verse 12, it’s classic. He says, “The greatest among you will be the servant.”

Here’s this awesome promise of reward, “And those of us who humble themselves will be,” what? “exalted.” You will be exalted. I sat in the room with a man, seventy-one years old, who is dying. He is exalted because he has honored God. And the things that money can’t buy, he is wealthy beyond measure in. And it didn’t happen yesterday. It’s been a lifetime.

I would encourage you to follow along as I read a classic prayer by Saint Francis to end this series. And as I read it, I encourage you to make it your own.

“Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace; where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy. O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.”

Now get the divine paradigm, here it is, “For it is in giving that we receive. It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. And it’s in dying that we are born again to eternal life.”

Many, many relationships start well. Few end well. But those who habitually honor other people – their mates, their families, their parents, their coworkers, fellow church members, their neighbors – they build friendships that are deep, intimate, authentic, and they last a lifetime.

My challenge is to take this package of the “one anothers” and make the litmus test of your life, if you are honoring others, by the grace of God, and decide about where you park, about where you eat, about what you say, about what you do with your time, about what you do with your money, about what you do with your spiritual gifts, and decide, “I’m going to honor others.” And the day will come where not only will relationships be deep, God will honor you beyond your wildest imagination.