Three Skills Great Marriages Have in Common

Thanks so much, Dave. You know, for the last two weeks we talked about lies that we all believe. They are embedded in culture, in media, in life, in family of origin. Now, What I want to talk about this week is three skills that you must learn, develop, and practice regularly if you want to have a great family. And the key to having a great family, the foundation, it always begins with a deep, intimate marriage.

And let’s just go on record to say that is hard; that is very, very challenging. And whether it’s busyness or we wound one another or we don’t understand each other, there are three vital skills that you must learn. Let me give you what they are. I’m going to cover one today and I’m going to spend two broadcasts on the second one and two more on the last one, because you can identify the lies and you can try as hard as you want, but without these skills, you will never make it.

Skill number one is learning the skill of forgiving your mate. Skill number two is communication. I don’t mean talking, I don’t mean just sharing words, I mean the entire process, the sharing of your heart, the actual transfer of what is on your mind and your heart and your intent actually gets into the mind and the heart of your mate. You actually connect. We're going to give you some tools, some super practical things to learn to communicate this week.

The last one is resolving conflict. Maybe another way to say it is you have to learn to fight fair. We are going to have Conflict about money, conflict about kids, conflict about sex, conflict about in-laws, conflict about schedules, conflict about roles, conflict about responsibilities, conflict about free time, Right? We're going to have conflict. Most couples attack the other person instead of the problem, because they don’t have a clear plan and they don’t know the skill of how to resolve conflict.

And before I talk about skill number one of forgiveness, what I want some of you to hear is the most challenging, most frustrating time I have ever had in my marriage is when I recognized we needed to change, I recognized we wanted to have a good marriage, I recognized she was trying and I was trying. But no matter what I said or what I did, my best efforts actually made things worse instead of better. I got so discouraged. I really came to the point I wondered, “Can this marriage make it?” And so, I have been there and I want you to know there’s hope.

This series is not about learning more truth about marriage or learning more about communication and nodding and trying a little something. This is about you saying, “I’m going to do this. I am going to learn to communicate. I am going to go into training. I now know the lies that I believe that, over time, the enemy will use these; in my moments of weakness, my flesh will use these and the world system is designed to use these lies to absolutely destroy my marriage.”

The God of the universe wants your relationship with your mate to demonstrate the love of Jesus with His Church. Perfect? No. Significant, rich, deep, fulfilling. Ups and downs? Of course. Hard seasons? Yes. But an intimacy, a oneness of mind and soul and body and spirit and emotions. It’s not only possible, it’s God’s will. But we have so longed believed so many lies we get off track not even knowing how we got off track.

And secondly, if you don’t have these skills of forgiving, and communication and resolving conflict, you will not be able to get through the hard, rough times life will bring.

So, here we go. Let me spend my time with you today talking about forgiveness – what it is and what it’s not.

First, what it’s not. It’s not a magic bullet where you say two little words, “I’m sorry,” and then everything is okay. It’s also not, “I have forgiven them so I guess all the hurt and all the pain and all the struggles and the same behavior I let happen over and over, I’m just a doormat and I say, ‘I forgive you,’ and I get the same response each and every time.” No, that’s not what forgiveness is either. I just say, “I’m sorry. I own my part, but there’s no next steps to deal with things,” no, that’s not forgiveness.

Forgiveness has three aspects. It’s a decision, number one; it’s a process, number two; and it actually is accomplished, number three.

The three key words about forgiveness is this, “I forgive you.” The word “forgive” literally in the New Testament has the idea of to release. In other words, behind not forgiving is this desire that we have to pay people back. And the Lord says, “Vengeance is mine; I will repay.” We have to come first and foremost if we are really going to forgive is instead of looking horizontal, instead of contemplating the wound, the hurt, the betrayal. And I don’t in any way diminish how painful and how wrong you may have been treated. There are times to, to just process and cry and take it to the Lord. That’s real. But you can’t want to hang onto, “I want to pay them back. I want to see them suffer.”

Someone has wisely said, “To not forgive another person is like drinking poison and believing that it’s killing them instead of killing you.”

And some of these are little things, right? But for many listening, it’s been a betrayal, and there is some pain and hurt that if you bury, it comes up in passive aggressive-type behavior and joking and putting them down and doing things that little by little will just erode the intimacy and the connection and the real love that you long for.

People choose not to forgive and almost do it unconsciously and just figure out how to live in these parallel lanes inside the same home and try to forget everything for a while and maybe sex will make it better or let’s go on a vacation and that will make it better. Or I’ll buy something for them and that will make it better. But you never get to the core of really forgiving the other person.

And so, spiritually, Jesus taught as we have freely been forgiven, so we must freely forgive. We know that God is rich in mercy, we know that when Jesus hung upon the cross the just judgment for my sin and your sin and the sin of all the world was placed on Him. God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever would believe in Him shouldn’t perish but have everlasting life. And then the next verse talks about Jesus didn’t come into the world to condemn the world, but to forgive, to restore.

First John reminds us that when we confess, when we agree with God, when we get brutally honest when we confess our sins, He is faithful because of His character, and just because of what Jesus has done to not only forgive us, but cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Here’s the key: we have to give away what we have received. Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us.”

Here’s the truth about human nature I want justice from everyone else, right? That deep seated, I don’t deserve this, that’s not fair.” And, yet, from God, I don’t want justice, I want mercy. Lord, forgive me. I know I lied. Lord, forgive me. I know You told me to do this and I didn’t do it. Lord, forgive me. You told me never to do that and I went ahead and did it anyway. And then afterwards, and here’s the consequences and I know I don’t deserve it but forgive me.

Let me give you a very key passage before I talk about how the act – forgive; the process – forgiving and what you actually do in that process. And then the finality of forgiven, the evidence that it’s at peace. You are right with God and as far as it depends on you, you are right with your mate.

It was a passage that was the turning point in my marriage, because I felt when I did my part, Theresa does her part. And if she doesn’t do her part then the problem in our marriage is her.

Well, then, I’ll forgive and I’ll do, like, x, y, and z. I’ll unload the dishwasher or I’ll help with vacuuming, I’ll have one of these little conferences where I listen to her and I make eye contact and I do all this stuff I’m supposed to as a husband. Waiting for the transaction, well, that means she is going to do x, y, and z that says, “I love you,” to me. that was a lie I believed. And if it didn’t happen when or how I wanted it to happen, then I was resentful and bitter. I wasn’t really forgiving. I was using forgiveness as a means to get what I wanted.

Listen carefully to the core behind all forgiveness is to look to the Lord and what He has done for you and what He has done for me long before we even think about trying to release or forgive our mates.

The most powerful teaching of Jesus is in Matthew 18 Peter and the disciples are really, really wrestling with this forgiveness, like, it’s so unfair and so Peter goes way out and says, “Well, should I forgive my brother, like, seven times?” And, Jesus uses this hyperbole seven times seventy. Basically, there’s no limit to the forgiveness you must give because there’s no limit to what you have received.

And then He tells a parable that, for me, was the turning point. For me, it took all that pent up justice and I have done all these good things and I’m sure I had a very skewed view of myself and Theresa at the time. And He tells this story for this reason.

“The Kingdom of Heaven may be compared to a certain king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. And when he had begun to settle them, they brought one to him who owed him ten thousand talents.”

I mean, I could give you all the details. a denarius was a day’s wage. And this was like a hundred years of a day’s wage would be one talent. So, ten thousand, I mean, it’s just like you win the lottery every single day for, maybe a month. So, this overwhelming amount of money is the point.

“But since he did not have the means to repay, his lord commanded him to be sold along with his wife and his children and all that he had and repayment to be made. Then the slave, falling down prostrated himself before him saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay everything.’ And the lord felt compassion, and released him and forgave the debt. But that slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii, a hundred days’ wages. And he seized him and he began to choke him saying, ‘Pay back what you owe.’ So his fellow slave fell down and began to entreat him saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you.’ But he was unwilling, and threw him into prison until he had paid back what he owed. So when his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply grieved and they came and reported it to their lord all that had happened. Then summoning him, his lord said to him, ‘You wicked slave. I forgave you all that debt because you entreated me. Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, even as I have had mercy on you?’ And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that he was owed. So shall my heavenly Father also do to you if each of you do not forgive his brother from your heart.” Or in our case, our mate from our hearts.

And personally, I somehow felt justified because I was hurt and I was wounded. And, by the way, Theresa felt the same way. And as a result of that, I would sort of say the right words, but I didn’t forgive in the way God had forgiven me. And the turning point came when I recognized how much I had sinned and how deeply and merciful God had forgiven me and that I could not expect that from God if I was unwilling to give that to my wife.

And then I did that. And I did it unlike I did it in the past. I didn’t do it with this attitude: Well, I’m to forgive her, I’m going to release her, and I’m going to do nice things for her so that she’ll do nice things for me.

When you forgive with open hands, you must release that person, turn them to the Lord, say, “Lord, You teach them, You help them, I release them from the pain inflicted on me. And you do that freely. Because they deserve it? No. But it takes the resentment out of your heart; it doesn’t allow bitterness to grow.

And so, let me give you the practical ways to do that. Number one, it’s a choice. multiple times I have had to literally, write down, “on this day, “I choose to forgive, one of my children or my wife for,” and then I write down, the harsh words she said to me for the we-made-these-plans and then she didn’t follow through.” Or – you write out, “I choose to forgive,” and you write it out, it’s a declaration, it’s an act and you do it on this day and you put a date.

Then the second part of the process is forgiving. And Jesus says that for our enemies, He says we are to bless them. That means to want good for them, to see God honor their life, bless their life, bring them joy, bring good things and good circumstances and good people and we are to pray for them that persecute us. How much more our mate? And so, you bless them. without thinking of anything in return, you give words of life, jot a note. You know what “I love you” means to them, right?

And so, you not only forgive but then you do the things that bless their life. And don’t miss this one: And you pray for them. And the early prayers for me was, “Well, change her heart, help her be more this way, help her be more that way.” I was trying to fix her in my prayers. But to bless is, “Lord, would You give her great joy? Would You give her just a deep awareness of how beautiful she is in Your eyes? Lord, would You cause this day to just bring joy to her heart? God, would You encourage her with I know that relationship she is really struggling with one of her parents. Lord, would You…?” And you just begin to pray blessing. And, by the way, I didn’t feel like doing it. My wounds were so deep, not that she did terrible things, probably me being so overly sensitive. But my wounds were so deep that I couldn’t do it for her.

In fact, it was scary because my heart had gotten hard. I didn’t want to be nice to my own wife. I didn’t want to say nice things. Now, I admit that. Now, by the way, I’ve got forty-six years, you know, under my belt now and our marriage is better than I ever dreamed it could be. Perfect? No. Do we still have struggles? Yes. Does she still hurt my feelings and I hurt her feelings now and then? Yes. But these were the foundational things that we learned.

And when it was so hard, I looked up to God and I said, “Lord, I can’t do it for her right now and I want You to soften my heart. But I’ll do it for You. This is my act of worship: I am praying for my wife; I am bringing her before You. God, this is my act of worship: these words that are kind. This is my act of worship: Without being asked I’m going to take out the garbage, I’m going to vacuum the floor and I’m not going to point out, “Oh, did you notice that I did this or I did that?” This is my act of kindness: I’m going to say words that affirm her inner beauty and how nice she looks today and why I’m glad God gave her to me as a wife.

And I began to process day after day after day blessings and words of affirmation and acts of kindness and acts of service. And what I can tell you, the person that changed immediately was not her. The person that changed was me. The bitterness went out of my heart, the resentment went out of my heart, I was in the process. Now, would she still say something or do something and Does that mean I haven’t forgiven her when those emotions come back? No, no, no, no, no. That just means the wound got reopened and I need to go back and say, “No, I have forgiven her for that.” Or maybe something new, “I choose to forgive her for this.”

Act: I choose to forgive. It is a process: I will pray for that person and I will bless them with my words and my actions. And I don’t have to feel like it. I am going to do that as an offering to God. And third, when I see and hear something good about them, I’ll know I’ve completely forgiven them when my heart rejoices.

And this is true not just in our marriages, but this has been true in the most difficult betrayals and relationships of anything that I have ever experienced. It’s what Romans 12 teaches, “Bless those who persecute you. Bless and curse not. As far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.” This starts with your view of God’s mercy for you. It is a skill.

I practiced this in a couple relationships where I really got betrayed in some ministry. And about a year later, I heard something good about this person that I did ministry with. And I artificially said, “Oh, yeah, that’s great. That’s great.” But in my heart, it was like, Boy, Lord, that doesn’t seem fair after, what that person did to me.

And, yet, I was praying for blessing in his marriage and blessing in his life and blessing in his ministry. And it took about two years and I remember hearing something really wonderful as God was using his life in a great way. And I remember rejoicing and thinking, Wow, that’s so great. And it was like, oh, not only is that great, I’m really free.

Bless those who persecute you. Bless and curse not. As far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.”

Now, in our next broadcast, what I’m going to do is I’m going to help you learn how to communicate, Not just say words, but really learn to communicate and then later this week we are going to give you a very specific plan about resolving conflict.

Can you imagine the joy in the heart of Jesus as He sees the walls coming down in your marriage and emotions coming back of love and encouragement and connection? Can you imagine the impact in our children’s lives as they see a model of two people that are in love after five years, ten years, twenty-five years, thirty-one years – whatever the number – that after ups and downs or even maybe after a hurt or an argument where there’s a sitting down and a sharing and an honest confession and a praying with one another and a crying together and a coming back together. We are all human. We all will mess up, but God is loving and kind and merciful and forgiving.

And He wants to communicate with us through His Word and we talk with Him. And He wants us to be involved in community to where we get support to do these things I’m talking about. I can’t do anything that I’m teaching you or that I have shared without the support of brothers in my life that I can share these things with honestly, or my wife having sisters in her life where she can go through this journey with them and come and be the kind of wife that I need and I can be the man that she needs.

Can I encourage you? Make your marriage, apart from your relationship with Jesus, your highest priority. In the decades to come, if the Lord does not return, it will be so much more important than your work, so much more important than your kids’ grades, so much more important than what other people think.

The foundation of culture and society and life is our relationship with God, number one, and our relationship with our mates where we give evidence of the beauty of the body of Christ connected to our head, Jesus. And we model that in our marriages in a way where the love of God and the kindness of God and the beauty of life and relationships can be exhibited through one man and one woman deeply in love, choosing to sacrificially put the needs of the other first. It’s an amazing, beautiful strategy and plan that the King and Creator of the universe has made. Don’t miss out on it.