Are you ready to have a marriage that thrives, not just survives?
After more than 40 years as a pastor and 46 years of marriage, I’ve sat across the table from hundreds of couples. I’ve listened to the heartbreak of infidelity, the ache of emotional distance, and the quiet admission that somewhere along the way, they “just grew apart.”
But here’s what I’ve learned: behind nearly every struggling marriage is a lie. Sometimes it’s a cultural script. Sometimes it’s a hidden belief we’ve never examined. But all of them distort what God designed marriage to be.
In my series Uninvited Guests, I talk about how spiritual battles in marriage are often subtle, and they almost always begin in the mind. The enemy wants to fracture families by planting seeds of resentment, disappointment, and distrust.
Theresa and I learned this firsthand. Our early years weren’t smooth. We had to confront lies we believed about each other, about love, and about what it really takes to stay together.
If you’re willing to confront those lies, God’s truth can bring real change. Let’s look at three of the most common lies, and the truth that can set your marriage free.
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Free MP3Listen NowTable of Contents
- Lie #1: If I Just Marry the Right Person, Everything Will Work Out Fine
- Lie #2: When I Experience Disappointment, Annoyance, and Anger Toward My Spouse, That Means I’m Falling Out of Love
- Lie #3: My Spouse Needs to Step Up and Do Their Part Before I Do Mine
- The True Foundation of Marriage Is Unconditional Commitment
- Here Are 3 Things You Can Do Right Now To Love Your Marriage More
Be Aware of 3 Common Lies that Wreak Havoc on Marriage
Lie #1: If I Just Marry the Right Person, Everything Will Work Out Fine
It’s the storyline we’ve heard for years: find “the one” and everything else will fall into place. Movies, books, and social media sell us the idea that the right person will fulfill us. But the truth? Every person is imperfect.
When you build your marriage around the idea that someone else will complete you, you set yourself up for disappointment. I’ve been there. When I was young, I mistook emotional intensity for lasting love (more than once). It took time and a few hard lessons to realize that emotions are unreliable guides.
A lasting marriage is built on shared faith, intentional effort, and perseverance. God’s design includes hard work, forgiveness, and learning how to love through difficulty, not around it.
Hebrews 10:36 reminds us:
“For you have need of endurance so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive that which was promised.”
Endurance means choosing commitment when emotions fade. It means building habits that foster connection and returning to God’s blueprint for love.
Lie #2: When I Experience Disappointment, Annoyance, and Anger Toward My Spouse, That Means I’m Falling Out of Love
Six days into our marriage, Theresa and I had our first real argument. It wasn’t over anything important, but it felt huge. I remember thinking, “Did I marry the wrong person?”
That kind of doubt creeps in when we equate love with ease. But Scripture tells us something different. Love grows in the soil of forgiveness. It’s shaped by grace, not by perfect compatibility.
Conflict isn’t a sign of failure. It’s a chance to become more like Jesus. This is especially true when we forgive, serve, and choose kindness.
Ephesians 4:32 gives us a clear picture:
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as God in Christ has forgiven you.”
You won’t feel “in love” every day. But the daily choice to forgive, to listen, and to extend grace is what builds real intimacy over time.
Lie #3: My Spouse Needs to Step Up and Do Their Part Before I Do Mine
This one’s subtle, but powerful. It sounds reasonable: “When they change, I’ll change.” But it creates a cycle of waiting, withholding, and resentment.
I call it “marital poker.” We wait for the other person to go first. But biblically speaking, marriage isn’t a 50/50 arrangement. It’s 100/100.
Jesus didn’t wait for us to deserve His love. He gave sacrificially. And that’s our model. The breakthrough in my own marriage came when I realized that I can’t change Theresa. I can only ask God to change me, and let that change affect how I love her.
Humility is the starting point, and it’s what breaks the cycle.
Tired of Playing Marital Poker? Listen to the full Uninvited Guests series here.
The True Foundation of Marriage Is Unconditional Commitment
At its core, marriage isn’t a contract. It’s a covenant. It’s a promise to love an imperfect person for life. It is a promise that is not based on performance, but on commitment.
Unconditional love means choosing to meet your spouse’s needs, even when they aren’t meeting yours. It’s not enabling sin or ignoring hurt, but it is refusing to make your love conditional.
If you want transformation, you can’t just read about truth. You need to train your mind to believe and live it. Theresa and I created the Marriage that Works Truth Cards for this very reason. We needed something tangible to remind us that love is a choice, and God’s Word is our guide.
Here Are 3 Things You Can Do Right Now To Love Your Marriage More
1. Get in Training
Place a few Marriage that Works Truth Cards by your bed. Read them out loud every morning and night. Say “Stop” when the lie surfaces, then replace it with God’s truth. You’ll be surprised how this small habit shifts your mindset.
2. Speak Your Spouse’s Language Sacrificially
Love your spouse in the way they best receive it, not how it’s easiest for you. Maybe that’s acts of service, words of affirmation, or simply being present. Small, sacrificial actions build deep trust.
3. Humble Yourself and Seek Help if You Need It
If you’re stuck, get help. A biblical counselor made a huge difference in our early years. Don’t wait for your spouse to agree—your willingness to grow can change the dynamic.
Ready for the next step? Build spiritual intimacy in your marriage today.
I want you to know that the deep, rich, intimate marriage you long for is possible.
When you refuse to believe the lies, when you lean into God’s truth and choose to love an imperfect person, your marriage becomes more than a commitment. It becomes a living picture of Christ’s love for His Church.
If you’re ready to take the next step, becoming a monthly partner today will give you access to the Marriage that Works Truth Cards—the same ones Theresa and I use.
I hope they serve your marriage as powerfully as they’ve served ours.
Written By
Chip Ingram
Founder & Teaching Pastor, Living on the Edge
Chip Ingram is the CEO and teaching pastor of Living on the Edge, an international teaching and discipleship ministry. A pastor for over thirty years, Chip has a unique ability to communicate truth and challenge people to live out their faith. He is the author of many books, including The Real God, Culture Shock and The Real Heaven. Chip and his wife, Theresa, have four grown children and twelve grandchildren and live in California.
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