What is Relational Intelligence?

As we begin this series, Relational Intelligence, I want to just make this opening remark: we all long, whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert, the deep desire of your soul is to have this life-giving, intimate, character-shaping relationship that has this rugged commitment to one another.

Like, you are hardwired and designed for meaningful, rich relationships. And it’s not just any type of relationship, but it’s an intimate relationship. It’s where you really know someone and you are really known by someone.

Life-giving, like when you’re around them. You remember, maybe you have had friends like this or you have someone, like, when you’re around them and you’re just like, “Ahhh.” Like you’re just so full, you’re refreshed.

It’s character-shaping, like, when you’re around this person, you want to be a better person. As the proverb says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” That there is this relationship that you’re just growing and you’re becoming more of who you were made to be through that relationship. And then that it’s not this, kind of like, you know, go-with-the-flow relationship, but it has this rugged commitment to one another.

Not a fair-weather friend, not a fair-weather marriage, but that you make this absolutely rugged commitment. You know that come hell or high water they are going to be with you through the storms of life. You may not always like each other all the way through it, but there’s this deep-seated commitment that we are with one another.

And we all have this deep longing and desire. And the question, the question is simply: how in the world do we get that kind of relationship? Right? How in the world do you get that type of friendship that’s life-giving, character-shaping, that you’re really known and you know them?

How do you get that type of marriage? Life-giving. Intimate. The other minute, I said “intimate,” and many of the guys’ minds went to sex. You’re like, Really? Intimate? Sex? Well, we can talk about that too. But where you’re really known. How do you get that type of relationships?

And here’s what I would say is in our culture and in our day, we do not need more relational information. It’s everywhere. What is needed for us to experience those types of relationships is actually what we are calling relational intelligence.

Said another way, it’s relational wisdom. See, we live in a world that is absolutely overwhelmed with information and, yet, starved for wisdom. Now, what is relational intelligence? What is relational wisdom? Why is this so important?

Because I think as we begin to unpack this, you’ll see why this is really the framework for us to experience those types of relationships. Relational intelligence or wisdom is the skill of navigating relationships well. It’s the ability, it’s the skill – it’s not just knowing. It is this absolute skill to navigate crisis well, to navigate conflict well, to navigate major decisions well, or maybe even financial or future decisions.

Wisdom, fundamentally, isn’t just information, it is a skill. Now, here’s what’s great about skills. You can grow and develop in skills.

Now, let me give you a little example to help us unpack this. Think about swimming. If I want to learn to swim, I can read a book – most of you are like, Well, you could just YouTube it. You’re right. I could YouTube it. I could YouTube all the information about, you know, the proper stroke and techniques and all of those sort of things.

Now, here’s the thing: I am not a skilled swimmer or really know how to swim until – what? I get in the pool, right? I know, intellectually, but I don’t know experientially, and there’s a massive difference between knowing intellectually and experientially. And when I hop into the pool, all of the stuff that I have learned is now, I’m beginning to put it into practice and develop a skill of swimming.

This is relational intelligence. See, relational intelligence is not merely the acquisition of knowledge. And this is why this series is a little problematic. Because for some, you want to put some nuggets of truth in your mind and walk away and feel like you’re better at relationships. It does not work that way.

Relational intelligence is the proper application of the correct or right knowledge. That’s wisdom. It is the proper application. It’s getting into the pool and swimming. I have to practice and put into practice. The way you develop a skill – think about this – the way you develop a skill is I have to begin to use it, get coaching on it, and then have this consistent repetition to grow in it.

It is the proper application of – what? The right knowledge. Now, think about this. Let’s say that you want to grow as a swimmer – I don’t know why I picked swimming; I just did.

And let’s just say I’m hosting a night that is a clinic, a swimming clinic. And then let’s say Michael Phelps is hosting a swimming clinic just down the road. Which clinic are you going to go to? Not mine! Why? Because I’m not the most decorated Olympian of all time, I’m just a guy that can swim.

Michael Phelps has the right knowledge that, when, if you really wanted to learn the skill of swimming, I would go to his and I would close my clinic down and go to his as well. Now think about this: the God of the universe who hardwired you and created you and actually understands how relationships were fundamentally meant to be designed and operate says, “I want to give you the skills and help you grow in this,” and we need to then begin saying, “Okay, you know what? I think I’ll take Your advice.”

This is a bad way to say it, so I’m sure I’ll get a few emails from this. That’s okay. God is the Michael Phelps of relationships. Like, you can’t compare that way! I know! I know it’s a bad illustration. But you get it? You see, it’s not merely the acquisition of knowledge, it is the application of the right knowledge.

And so, here’s what our series is really fundamentally about. Our series is we live in a world filled with sound bites and relational advice that we just tend to swallow whole. Never really evaluating: is it true? Is it good? Or is it wise?

And there is a massive difference between sounding good, feeling good, and actually being good for us. Now, if you flip to your Bibles, if you wouldn’t mind opening up to the book of Proverbs. Actually, all you have to do is take the middle, some of you have hard copies, most of you have a digital copy of the Bible. Flip to the middle, you’re pretty close, you might have to flip back a little bit.

Proverbs, it is the book of wisdom in the Hebrew Scriptures, the Old Testament. And there are these pithy sayings that are principles for life. It’s important to know they are not promises, they are just principles. This is how life generally tends to operate. And if you apply them, you’ll flourish in different areas: relationships, finances, all the rest spiritually.

And so, if you would turn to Proverbs chapter 14, we see this incredibly powerful statement that I think is one in which we need to wrestle with afresh when it comes to our relationships.

The author says it this way. He says, “There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end, it leads to death.” There’s a way that feels good. There’s a way that sounds good. There’s a way that looks good, but in the end, it’s killing us. There’s a way that we are going about relationships, friends, listen. There’s a way that we’re going about our dating, there’s a way that we are going about our marriage, there is a way that we are going about our deep and core familial relationships that appear to be right and we can even justify them.

But in the end, it’s undermining your relationships. It’s killing you. And we don’t have to look very far to see this is true. In fact, let’s just step back for a moment and look at the state of relationships in America.

Think about marriages. In America, there’s this growing pessimism in finding a love that will last a lifetime. Fewer and fewer people are actually getting married and you think about it, if you look around and if, on average, forty, fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce, well, there’s a good reason to be pessimistic about marriage.

Like, hey, man you got a fifty/fifty shot? I don’t know about that. Let’s think about friendships. Friendships, we live in the most socially connected time, and yet, people are more disconnected than ever. Americans are friendly, but lonely, according to the Barna research group. Gen Z has been identified as the loneliest generation. Wow.

Gen Z that has grown up as a digital native, always been connected, and they are just hoping and coping and trying to make it through. It breaks my heart. This is across the board. One out of five Americans have no person they can talk to. Socially connected but completely disconnected.

Well, let’s look at family. The average family spends thirty-seven minutes of quality time together. And then some families will go, “Well, that’s a lot of time. We just hope to get that amount of time. Thirty-seven minutes? Wow! Where do you get that time?” And maybe it’s just the car drive because if when you’re in my stage of parenting, [11:46] I have two teenagers and an elementary school, all we are are unpaid Uber drivers for our kids. Just drive them from one thing to the next!

The average adult spends three hours on social media per day. Andy Stanley, pastor and author, had this incredible, poignant statement about the families: “Our kids are growing up experientially rich but relationally poor.”

In fact, as parents, don’t we want to give our kids the experiences that we weren’t able to get? And so, we spend so much money and effort and energy to give them all these experiences and to keep them from experiencing the bad things we experienced, which are, you know, the things that helped shape us into who we were made to be anyway. And, yet, they are growing up relationally poor.

Or let’s look at dating in America. Online dating has become the dominant way people connect and there’s nothing bad with that, in fact, a lot of great things about that. Over half of all singles have created a dating profile. The great majority of people find dates this way. It’s interesting, only two percent find dates in the Church.

Here’s what online dating, though, has helped produce in our consumeristic culture: a swipe-right, casual, non-committal, hookup dating culture. The rules of dating are always shifting. Technology and how we interact and what’s – you know, do I respond? Is it the forty-eight-hour rule? Is it the seventy-two-hour rule? I don’t know when to text them back! Do I wait for him to text? I don’t know.

And so, as a result, singles report to being extremely confused. Gen Z and Millennials, however, still long to find a love that lasts. Gen Z and Millennials say, “Yeah, that intimate, life-giving, character-shaping, relationship that has this rugged commitment? That’s what we want!”

And here’s what’s amazing. In a hookup culture, only nine percent of singles really want to date casually. The vast majority say, “No, we want a real, significant relationship.” And here’s what we have to face: how we are going about relationships is not working.

“There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.” There’s a way that looks good, may even feel good, certainly sounds good, but ultimately is undermining the very desired relationship that you long for.

Now, some of you might be wrestling with me a little bit and going, like, Okay, Ingram, if relational intelligence, relational wisdom is so great, why isn’t everybody doing it? Well, I’m so glad you asked, thank you. Let’s talk about, I believe there are two main challenges with relational intelligence and why this is looked past in our culture.

The first challenge with relational intelligence is it’s countercultural. It’s completely countercultural. This is not the way everybody friends, this is not the way everybody dates, this is not the way everybody does relationships.

Let me just say this real quick: if you like the results that everybody else is getting, then keep doing what everybody else is doing. If you don’t, you might want to consider relational intelligence.

Now, this is just a news flash. It might shock some of you. Following Jesus is countercultural. Christianity, from the very beginning – not just like in our day – from the very beginning is completely countercultural.

In fact, Paul the apostle, when he is writing his letter to the Romans, which is this incredible letter, the first eleven chapters are unpacking the mercy and the grace of God. Like, this is what Jesus has done for you. And then chapter he shifts, “In light of all that God has done for you,” and then he says, “therefore offer your bodies,” or, “present your bodies as a living sacrifice.

This is your spiritual act of worship.” And then he says this great line, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world.” That word conform literally means to be molded. Don’t be pressed in and molded to the pattern or the way that this world goes about dating. Don’t be pressed in or molded into the pattern or the way that people just tend to do marriage.

Don’t be pressed in and molded to the pattern of how everybody is going about friendship. He says, “No, no, no. But be transformed,” literally the word means: allow yourself to be changed and transformed – how? “…by the renewing of your mind.”

See, what we put into our mind is of principle importance. See, we put so much into our head that just conforms us to the patterns of this world.

See, like, I’ve got to get into God’s Word, I’ve got to get God’s Word into me, I’ve got to begin to have my mind being renewed on what is true and right, “Then,” notice this, this is so good, don’t miss this, “then you’ll be able to test,” that’s that idea of testing the genuine – genuineness of gold, “and approve,” like determine and see, “what God’s will is.”

Think about this: God’s will is not that He’s holding out. God’s will is not that He wants the worst for you. God’s will, His good, His pleasing, and His perfect will for your relationships, for your life – like, God wants what is best. And you get to experience that when you begin to go, “I’m going to embrace the countercultural ways of Jesus and relational intelligence.”
If relational intelligence, relational wisdom is so great, why isn’t everybody doing it? Well, I’m so glad you asked, thank you. Let’s talk about, I believe there are two main challenges with relational intelligence and why this is looked past in our culture.

The first challenge with relational intelligence is it’s countercultural. It’s completely countercultural. This is not the way everybody friends, this is not the way everybody dates, this is not the way everybody does relationships.

Let me just say this real quick: if you like the results that everybody else is getting, then keep doing what everybody else is doing. This is just a news flash. Following Jesus is countercultural. Christianity, from the very beginning – not just like in our day – from the very beginning is completely countercultural.

In fact, Paul the apostle, when he is writing his letter to the Romans, which is this incredible letter, the first eleven chapters are unpacking the mercy and the grace of God. Like, this is what Jesus has done for you. And then chapter he shifts, “In light of all that God has done for you,” and then he says, “therefore offer your bodies,” or, “present your bodies as a living sacrifice. This is your spiritual act of worship.” And then he says this great line, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world.” That word conform literally means to be molded. Don’t be pressed in and molded to the pattern or the way that this world goes about dating. Don’t be pressed in or molded into the pattern or the way that people just tend to do marriage.

Don’t be pressed in and molded to the pattern of how everybody is going about friendship. He says, “No, no, no. But be transformed,” literally the word means: allow yourself to be changed and transformed – how? “…by the renewing of your mind.”

See, what we put into our mind is of principle importance. See, we put so much into our head that just conforms us to the patterns of this world.

See, like, I’ve got to get into God’s Word, I’ve got to get God’s Word into me, I’ve got to begin to have my mind being renewed on what is true and right, “Then,” notice this, this is so good, don’t miss this, “then you’ll be able to test,” that’s that idea of testing the genuine – genuineness of gold, “and approve,” like determine and see, “what God’s will is.”

Think about this: God’s will is not that He’s holding out. God’s will is not that He wants the worst for you. God’s will, His good, His pleasing, and His perfect will for your relationships, for your life – like, God wants what is best. And you get to experience that when you begin to go, “I’m going to embrace the countercultural ways of Jesus and relational intelligence.”
The second reason I think this is a challenge and it’s probably the biggest stumbling block for many of us, it’s not just countercultural, it’s counterintuitive! It’s like, wait a second! You’re asking me to do what?

The path to experiencing intimate, life-giving, character-shaping relationships is often contrary to what we expect. Now, when Jesus talks about the kingdom of God, and the ways that it means to follow Him, He talks about it, and it’s counterintuitive. In fact, listen to what He says to His disciples.

He says, “Whoever wants to be My disciple must deny themselves, take up their cross, and follow Me,” which you’re going, Okay, I want to follow Jesus, which means I have to deny myself? That’s counterintuitive. “For whoever wants to save their life,” hold on preciously to their life, “will” – what? “lose it. And whoever loses,” or, “gives their life away for My sake will find it.” It’s counterintuitive.

And we see this. You see someone who is consumed with them, consumed with only their things and what they want and what they need and what happens is they ultimately lose their life. And Jesus says it’s counterintuitive. “If you want to find your life, lose it for My sake.” Give your life away.

He would say things like this, “The greatest among you is the one who serves.” See, we have to embrace that relational intelligence is counterintuitive.

Let me give you, return back rather, to the swimming illustration. There are principles of swimming that are completely counterintuitive, aren’t they? Remember back to when you were learning to swim. Can you think back there? Maybe some of you, your kids or you can think back to when your kids were learning to swim.

And one of the principles of swimming is to swim well, you have to put your head in the water, right? And you ever seen, like, a small kid really try to get this, it’s just so like, I need to do what? No! Our fight and flight response tells us: do anything but put your head in the water. I put my head in the water, I drown. That is a dumb idea. Hello?

And, no, it’s just like, you know what? It’s counterintuitive, but when your head is up, what happens? Your body goes down. And at very best, at very best, you can doggy paddle with the best of them. But you never will swim well. I have to put my head in the water, it allows my body to float and then I’m able to develop the skill of swimming. It’s counterintuitive.

And some of you are like, What is wrong with this doggy paddle? Nothing. Nothing! I just have never seen it utilized in the Olympics. It’s completely counterintuitive.

For the remainder of our time, what I want to do is look at an American relational belief that has informed much of the relational advice that we have accepted.

And the American belief goes something like this: I have the right to go about relationships however I desire and still get the results I desire. You know, as Americans, we are all about our rights. Freedom. I have the right! Nothing wrong with that, in fact, many of you moved to America for those rights and those freedoms and it’s like, “I have the right to…!” Don’t tell me what to do, I have the right! I have the right to go about relationships however I desire and still get the results, what’s the result? An intimate, life-giving, character-shaping relationship that has this rugged commitment to one another.

I have the right to do friendships however I desire. Whether it’s being disconnected or just reaching out when I need you, and still get the results that I desire. I have the right to do relationships at the workplace however I desire, whether I’m engaged or disengaged and still somehow get the relationships that I desire. I have the right to date however I desire.

My wife and I were watching the opening episode of The Bachelor. Don’t judge. Don’t judge. The first episode is amazing because Bachelor Peter has watched his parents’ relationship and have this marriage, over thirty years, and he’s talking to all these women, many of whom he made out with on the first night.

And then talks about this love that he longs to get that will last a lifetime. I have the right to date thirty women at the same time, sleep with many of them, vote them off the island like Survivor, and then sit with the winning contestant – I mean, woman – watch the entire episodes back of how I did relationships with thirty other women, and then still get the result: a love that lasts a lifetime.

See, we buy into this, because it sounds good. It feels good in the moment. And we don’t want to believe that how we are doing relationships will somehow undermine the relationships we ultimately long for.

Two or three verses later, the author of Proverbs, from our proverb that we said, “There’s a way that appears to be right, but in the end leads to death,” says this, “The simple believe in everything, but the prudent give thought to their step.” The simple believe anything.

Now, what is the simple? The simple is a young person who is untrained, morally or intellectually and therefore, gullible. They are naïve. They just take in whatever they hear and go, “Yeah! Sounds good. I’ll do it. Yeah, of course.”

The prudent, however. You see that the simple believe anything, but the prudent, what do they do? They give thought to their steps. See, the prudent understand that all of life is connected.

The prudent understand that your past decisions not only follow you into your future, which they do, but they actually direct your future. And so, the prudent give thought to their steps. Now, this is what the prudent understands. When I take a step, it moves me in a particular direction. I take a step forward, I take a step back, I take a step to the side – I am moving in a particular direction.

When I put multiple steps together, now, I am moving along a particular path. I’m headed in this direction. Every path, every road has a destination. It is taking you somewhere.

No, no, Ryan! Life is all about the journey, not the destination! Fantastic. You’re still headed somewhere. See, the prudent understand, as I’m making these steps and taking these steps, these steps are taking me somewhere and I understand that all of life is connected and so, I recognize that there is, even though I’m enjoying the journey right now, there are results or destination that I’m headed towards.

And so, relational intelligence says I may have the right to go about relationships however I want, but I am not free to choose the results I desire. You do! We’re – this is America. You can go about relationships however you desire. But you are not free to choose the results you desire.

And so, as we begin this journey together in relational intelligence, would you take a chapter out of the prudence playbook and give thought to your steps? See, our tendency, actually, culturally, is not to give thought to our steps but give thought to other people’s steps, critique other people’s steps, talk about their steps and why they shouldn’t do what they are doing.

Let’s just lay that aside. Let’s just give thought to our own steps. So, let me ask you this question: if I continue taking these steps relationally, what is the destination? Think about it, if I continue to take the steps that I’m taking in my friendships, what is the destination? If I continue to take the steps that I’m taking in my marriage, what’s the destination?

See, we spend a lot of money on the wedding day and a lot of intentionality on the wedding day, and somehow think it’s going to be automatic moving forward. My counsel, when I talk to newly engaged people is: invest the same intentionality and focus on your marriage as you did on your wedding. Spend money on your marriage, not just your wedding.

The single best investment for our marriage is the counseling that my wife and I do regularly.

If I continue taking these steps relationally with my co-workers, what is the destination?

For some, you are flirting with an affair at work. You’re flirting with an affair at the gym. And you’re just going, “No, no, no, nothing has come up of it. It’s just a conversation.” And you’re just allowing little things and you’re like, yeah, you’re not at the destination but you’re headed in the direction.

If I continue taking these steps dating-wise. Or how about with your family? With your kids? Maybe ask this question just a little different, if I continue taking these steps spiritually, what is the destination? Like, how is your time with God? Is it leading you closer to Him?

What if I continue taking these steps sexually? What’s the destination? Or financially? Emotionally? Maybe you just keep giving your heart or maybe you’re withholding your heart. You’re keeping your heart from people. How about vocationally?

And for some, there’s – the way you’re going about your work is undermining the long-term relationship and impact with your kids.

And some of you are running and going and you never see your kids. All with the mode of: I want to have a better life for my kids. Your kids just want to have a life with you.

If I continue taking these steps relationally, what’s the destination?

Now, for some, you are wrestling because you’re like, Okay, Ingram, what about if you’ve already taken a lot of steps down those paths? What if you have taken a ton of missteps? What about me, where I’m at?

Think back to that definition I gave us earlier: an intimate, life-giving, character-shaping relationship that has a rugged commitment to one another. I don’t know where you’re at but here’s what I do know: Jesus has made a rugged commitment to you, and it was displayed on the cross. And He said, “I don’t care where you’re at, what you have done, what your background is. I have made a rugged commitment that says I’ll go to any lengths to bring you into relationship with Me, to bring you into My family,” on the cross.

And so, instead of running from God, feeling this voice of shame and guilt like you’re not good enough, you just simply run to Him. You just confess, God, I need You and You already paid for all this and You knew I was, like, my brokenness. And You said, “I’m going to take care of it.” And You want to welcome me home.

And so, instead of going, like, Man, I’m just no good. I can’t do this. And go into that just negative self-talk. Go, No, no, My God already did this and so I am going to run to Him.

I love the person, I don’t know who said this, “Though I cannot go back and have a brand-new start, I can start today and have a brand-new end.” And that’s true for you, because of the cross.

I like how C.S. Lewis said it. He said, “We all want progress, but if you’re on the wrong road, progress means doing an about turn and walking back to the right road. In that case, the man who turns back soonest is most progressive.”

Would you give thought to your steps? And would you say, maybe you’re down the road – “Help”? I have the God who has made the rugged commitment to me who loves me unconditionally and has invited me and now I’m going to realize I’m going that direction. I’m stopping and I’m coming towards You and there’s no shame, there’s no guilt. It’s just, “Come to Me, loved one.” And He says, “Welcome home.”