A conversation about faith, politics, or someone’s choices can raise the temperature in the room. Voices get sharper, and you both start defending instead of listening. By the time it’s over, you can feel further apart from your loved one.
No one wants to pretend you agree when you don’t, and you certainly don’t want to rehash a painful argument over and over again.
The apostle Paul gives Christians some direction about conversations like these in Ephesians 4:15: “Speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ” (NIV).
Paul is describing how believers grow into spiritual maturity together. Love influences why we speak, when we speak, and how we speak. Truth gives our love clarity and substance. Both are necessary if our goal is to help someone (and not just prove ourselves right).
Aaron Pierce’s recent teaching on this gives us six ways to navigate difficult conversations with people we love. He shows us how to approach a difficult conversation with biblical conviction, humility, and care.
- Examine Your Preconceived Notions
- Listen Before You Speak
- Find Common Ground
- Lead with Grace
- Be Aware of Your Own Defensiveness
- Surrender the Conversation to God
1. Examine Your Preconceived Notions
Before deciding what to say, consider how you are viewing the person who disagrees with you.
Once you begin thinking of someone as an opponent, you interpret everything they say through that assumption. Their worst statement becomes a summary of their character. Your purpose quietly shifts from helping them to defeating their position.
Jesus saw people differently. Matthew wrote, “When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd” (Matthew 9:36, NIV). Jesus saw their spiritual condition clearly, and that clarity moved Him toward compassion.
Ask God to help you see the person as someone made in His image and loved by Him. Then examine your motivations:
Do I want to serve this person, or do I want the satisfaction of proving my point?
You may still need to speak firmly, but a compassionate view of the person will shape how you do it.
2. Listen Before You Speak
James 1:19 tells believers to “be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (NIV). Listening is an act of Christian obedience. It also keeps you from assuming.
Here is a memorable pattern for difficult conversations: Listen. Ask questions. Listen again.
If someone states a view you find troubling, you might ask the following:
- “How did you come to believe that?”
- “What experiences have shaped the way you see this?”
- “What concerns you most about this issue?”
- “Could you help me understand what you mean by that?”
Listen in order to understand the person’s position. Don’t prepare your response while they are talking. When appropriate, summarize what you heard and let them correct you.
Understanding does not mean you have to approve of the person’s point of view. It simply gives you the information needed to respond wisely. It may also reveal a question, concern, or experience that reveals something important.
Listening can lower your defensiveness. It allows you to slow down, seek understanding, and ask God for discernment about what this moment requires.
Tools for Conflict Resolution: When the stakes are high and you tend to freeze up or come out swinging, the Field Kit for Better Relationships offers simple scripts for speaking honestly without accusation that you can adapt for your next hard conversation.
3. Find Common Ground
A difficult conversation does not need to begin with the point of disagreement. Look for common ground.
Someone concerned about injustice may rightly recognize that the world is broken. Someone who advocates for an unpopular group may value human dignity. Someone who distrusts the church may have witnessed hypocrisy that Christians should acknowledge rather than excuse.
Finding common ground creates space to explore deeper questions together. It also allows you to see the whole person, not just their opinion.
Aaron Pierce, in the Not Beyond Reach series, tells a story of a man who shared that one of his tattoos represented his anti-capitalist and anti-authoritarian beliefs. When another person began debating him about capitalism and socialism, Aaron redirected the conversation.
Aaron first affirmed the man’s concern for suffering people and his desire to address the world’s brokenness. Then he raised a deeper question: Why do corruption and oppression continue under every human system? That question opened a conversation about the condition of the human heart and the hope found in Jesus.
Aaron listened for the concern beneath the point of view and, as a result, found common ground and connected it back to the gospel.
Go Deeper: For help navigating the hardest topics, from faith and politics to sexuality, with curiosity instead of combativeness, the Not Beyond Reach participant’s guide and video series walk you through how to build bridges with the people you love who think, believe, or live differently.
4. Lead with Grace
Paul wrote, “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone” (Colossians 4:6, NIV).
Grace governs the spirit in which we speak. Before offering your perspective, consider asking for permission to do so:
“Would you be open to hearing how I understand this?”
Then explain what you believe, show how Scripture has shaped that belief, and avoid making claims about why the other person disagrees. In a spiritual conversation, a debate about a political or cultural issue can become central while questions and curiosity about God remain squelched.
Pray for wisdom to understand these things:
- What is the central spiritual issue?
- What does this person most need to understand right now?
- Do I have the relationship and timing needed to say it well?
- Can I support, with Scripture, what I am about to say?
If you cannot answer those questions in the moment, you may need to listen longer, continue praying, or return to the subject later.
5. Be Aware of Your Own Defensiveness
You might enter the conversation calmly and become defensive as it unfolds. Watch for the signs: interrupting, sarcasm, raising your voice, assuming motives, or feeling compelled to answer every statement.
Second Timothy 2:24–25 says that the Lord’s servant must be kind, able to teach, and patient when wronged. We are called to instruct gently. Your attitude in heated conversations reflects your faithfulness.
If you start to lose your cool, acknowledge it:
“I care about you and about this issue, but I am becoming defensive. Could we pause and come back to this when I can listen more carefully?”
Pausing can keep a difficult conversation from causing unnecessary harm. It also gives you an opportunity to examine whether pride, fear, anger, or the need for control is influencing your response.
6. Surrender the Conversation to God
1 Corinthians 3:6 says this: “I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow” (NIV).
We don’t know what happens in someone else’s heart after a difficult conversation. One conversation may plant a question. Another may correct a misunderstanding. Another may provide the opportunity to explain the gospel clearly. God is the one who works in the person’s heart.
This knowledge frees you to be patient. You can tell the truth without pressing for immediate agreement. You can also continue demonstrating that the disagreement has not erased your care for the person.
Afterward, ask God to show you what to do next. You may need to apologize for your tone, clarify something you said, send an encouraging message, or give the person space. Pray for God to use what was good and repair anything your weakness may have damaged.
Think of one relationship you have that may be affected by a disagreement. Before your next conversation with the person, pray for compassion toward them. Listen carefully the next time you speak, and share only what is good and honors Christ.
To learn more about building trust, starting spiritual conversations, and discussing difficult cultural issues, explore the series Not Beyond Reach.
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