When someone you love is hurting, your immediate instinct is probably to help. But when their pain is especially deep or the situation keeps getting worse, the fear of saying the wrong thing can leave you unsure what to say.
Scripture gives you practical ways to encourage others. The first step is learning to pay attention so you can discern what they actually need.
Warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone.
1 Thessalonians 5:14 (NIV)
Paul was writing to believers about caring for one another within the church. He did not prescribe the same response for everyone: One person may need correction, whereas someone else may need encouragement or practical support. Whatever the need, Paul reminds us to respond with patience.
Here are nine practical ways to encourage someone you love when they’re hurting:
- Be Present
- Listen to Understand Them Better
- Acknowledge Their Pain
- Ask What Kind of Support Would Help
- Share Scripture with Discernment
- Offer Practical Help
- Keep Showing Up
- Pray with Them and Keep Praying
- Encourage Them to Seek More Help When Needed
1. Be Present
When someone you love is in pain, you can feel pressure to say the perfect, most meaningful thing. Sometimes your presence communicates more than the perfect words ever could.
After Job had lost his children, wealth, and health, three friends came to visit him. When they saw the depth of his suffering, they wept with him and sat on the ground beside him. Job’s friends didn’t try to fix anything or ask a lot of questions; they simply sat with him in his grief.
They sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.
Job 2:13 (NIV)
You can do the same for someone facing a frightening diagnosis, walking through a spouse’s hospitalization, or carrying a sadness that is hard to put into words. Don’t pressure yourself to come up with a profound response; you can simply say, “I’m so sorry. I’m here with you.” Then stay.
2. Listen to Understand Them Better
When someone opens up about what they’re going through, your first job isn’t to fix it; it’s to listen.
Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
James 1:19 (NIV)
Someone who is grieving may not need advice about moving forward; they may simply need a safe place to talk about the person they miss. A friend may say they’re disillusioned by faith, but underneath that could be years of unhealed hurt and misunderstandings.
Start with a few simple questions:
- “What has been the hardest part of this for you?”
- “How are you doing with everything today?”
- “What are you most concerned about right now?”
Then really listen. You may find that the response you were already forming in the back of your mind is not what they need at all. Before you can know whether someone could use encouragement, support, or loving correction, you first have to understand what they’re carrying.
3. Acknowledge Their Pain
Romans 12:15 tells us to “mourn with those who mourn.” That asks us to take time to acknowledge and better understand another person’s burden instead of rushing past it.
If a friend has lived with chronic pain for years, “Everything happens for a reason” may not be what they need in that moment. If a parent is grieving a child who has walked away from God, reminding them that He is sovereign may be true, but it can still miss the sorrow they are trying to express.
You don’t have to fully understand someone’s pain to acknowledge it. Sometimes a few simple words are enough:
- “I can see how much this hurts.”
- “I’m so sorry you’re having to walk through this.”
- “I know you’ve been carrying this for a long time.”
Words won’t solve the problem, but they will communicate something just as life-giving: “I see what you’re carrying, and I’m willing to be with you in it.”
4. Ask What Kind of Support Would Help
You don’t have to guess what someone needs. Ask them and let them share with you. Questions give people space to tell you what would actually help them.
They may want you to listen. They may need help thinking through an important decision. They may want prayer. They may be overwhelmed by practical responsibilities. Or they may need help finding someone with more experience in what they are facing.
You could ask the following:
- “Would it help to talk through some options, or would you rather I just listen?”
- “Is there something practical I could take off your plate this week?”
- “Would you like me to pray with you right now?”
An important note: Sometimes what someone wants and what they need are not the same. If someone you care about is making choices that are hurting them or others, encouragement may eventually include sharing a hard truth with them. If so, speak with humility, patience, and genuine concern. Your timing and tone matter.
Go Deeper: Caring Enough to Confront walks through how to speak up about destructive patterns with humility instead of judgment. Consider using its teachings when your encouragement has to include a hard truth.
5. Share Scripture with Discernment
God’s Word offers real comfort when life hurts. Second Corinthians 1:3 describes God as “the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort.” He is the one who comforts us so that we can comfort others.
Scripture can remind a grieving person of the hope of the Resurrection. It can strengthen someone whose faith has been shaken. It can give words to someone who does not know how to pray. It can bring truth back into focus when pain has distorted someone’s view of God.
However, Scripture should not be used to bypass the difficulty of someone’s pain. If someone has just told you their spouse died, they may need you to mourn with them before you talk about the promise of a heavenly reunification. If someone is struggling with unanswered prayer, they may want empathy before they get a lesson on trusting God.
Then, if they are open to the conversation, remind them of God’s faithfulness. Remind them of the prayers He has answered in the past. Remind them of a difficult season He carried them through. Remind them of ways you have seen their faith grow. Help them remember the character of the God they trust.
A Resource for You: If you’re looking for something to walk through with a hurting friend, Psalms of Hope is a free ten-day study in Psalms 1, 15, and 23 that speaks directly to the darkest seasons.
6. Offer Practical Help
Sometimes the best encouragement looks like helping someone make it through the next day.
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
Galatians 6:2 (NIV)
Carrying someone’s burden can be a simple gesture that shows you care. Be proactive in offering assistance. “Let me know if you need anything” isn’t always helpful when someone is overwhelmed. Make a specific offer like the following:
- “Could I bring dinner Tuesday or Thursday?”
- “I’m going to the grocery store tomorrow. Can I pick anything up for you?”
- “Would it help if I came with you to the appointment?”
7. Keep Showing Up
Some pain receives a lot of attention at first. You’ve probably seen this with funerals. The funeral happens, meals arrive, friends call, people check in, but then life begins moving for everyone else while the person grieving still wakes up every morning with a heavy loss.
Long-term, meaningful encouragement requires patience and commitment—through the medical treatments, through a divorce that is still unfolding, or through the job search that stretches into months.
Paul says, “Be patient with everyone” (1 Thessalonians 5:14, NIV). Patience gives people room to heal, grieve, struggle, grow, and take their next step on their own timetable.
So keep showing up. Put a reminder on your calendar if you need to. Call again in two weeks. Remember the anniversary of the loss. Send a text after the medical appointment. Ask about the situation months later. This kind of follow-up communicates, “I haven’t forgotten what you’re going through.”
8. Pray with Them and Keep Praying
Prayer is one of the most meaningful ways believers can care for one another. You don’t need a long or polished prayer; you only need to pray with intention for your friend:
- “Father, You know how tired they are. Give them strength for what they have to face this week.”
- “Lord, give them wisdom for this decision and help them trust You when they cannot see what comes next.”
- “God, comfort them in their grief and surround them with people who will continue to care for them.”
When it feels appropriate, ask them if you can pray together. Keep them in your prayers and let them know you are covering them in prayer, even when you are not together. You might even send a message saying, “I prayed for you this morning.”
Praying for someone also reminds you that you are not the one responsible for fixing another person’s life. You can love them, support them, and walk with them, but God is the one who ultimately sustains them.
Free Resource: If you want more language for praying over someone in a hard season, check out 12 Prayers for Encouragement and Strength During Trials, which offers Scripture-based prayers you can pray or pass along.
9. Encourage Them to Seek More Help When Needed
Sometimes, being a caring friend, spouse, parent, pastor, or small-group member is not enough on its own. Someone experiencing serious depression may need professional mental-health care. A person struggling with addiction may need specialized treatment and ongoing support. Someone talking about self-harm or suicide needs immediate intervention, not encouragement to pray harder or try harder. Abuse or coercive control requires attention to safety and appropriate professional help.
In cases like these, be bold about helping someone connect with qualified care. You can say something like this: “I love you, and I’m concerned about how much you are carrying these days. Can I help you figure out who to call for additional help?”
If someone may be in immediate danger or is considering harming themselves or someone else, contact emergency services or an appropriate crisis resource in your area. If it is safe for you to stay with them, do not leave them alone.
Helping someone seek professional care does not diminish the role of Christian community. Sometimes it is one of the most practical ways to be a faithful friend.
Encouragement Begins With Paying Attention
You will not always know exactly what to say when someone you love is hurting, and you won’t be able to change the diagnosis, repair the marriage, restore the job, answer every question, or make the grief disappear. But you can pay attention.
Good encouragement isn’t about having all the right answers. God uses your availability, compassion, wisdom, and willingness to walk with someone one step at a time to encourage people. That is how authentic community grows.
Take the Next Step in Loving People Well
The book “I Choose Love” offers practical, biblical help for putting God’s love into action in your everyday relationships. Get your copy of “I Choose Love” today.
TOGETHER WE CAN